Co-vid is making me dumb. I haven’t seen a coworker in person in months. He adds me on LinkedIn just now. He’s younger, I’ve always thought he was awkward in an adorable sort of way and think he’s got the hots for me. He’s younger, I think 25, maybe younger, and I think that I’d probably eat him alive. I think I would be a bit much for him. I try to keep my claws out of anyone I work too closely with. Also, he’s young for my taste. Then again, older means baggage.
I’m probably just lonely because of co-vid but I have half a mind to see if he wants to hang out…. I know he likes video games… hanging out as friends, I say to myself… 🤦♀️ I don’t know. Something kinda stirred in me seeing his picture. I need to not date coworkers. He’s cuter than I remember? Or that’s a really good picture. He’s short and a little tubby in the most adorable way. I don’t mean any of that in a negative way. I think he’s about as cute as a button.
I’m still too emotionally sore over L to date. It’s way too early. I know in my heart that if L weren’t leaving for NYC that I would have fallen in love with the guy. I wish he were staying, but this isn’t the movies. We don’t get cinematic endings. Things don’t work that way. They’re much messier and complicated. They don’t end, wrapped up nicely in a little bow and that’s probably why we love those neat little happy endings so much. They aren’t real and they’re much nicer than reality typically is.
And as she types this… she is still thirst texting the cute, baby software developer on LinkedIn. I swear to God… what’s wrong with me? I am being friendly, not openly thirsty, but I wanna kiss him… ok, I blame hormones. 🤦🏻♀️
I’ve already sent a regrettable text to L. I think I’m testing to see how much he REALLY wants to stay friends, by testing boundaries too much, because I’m psycho and told him that I’m sad to see him go and that I was falling hard for him and think I would have fallen in love with him if he stayed.
Push, push, push. If I push those buttons enough, he’ll never talk to me again, right? Like so many dudes who told me they wanted to be friends or keep in touch. Haha. Right…
9/16/20 - of tex mex eggs, treadmills, and ellipticals
So, cooking eggs in the microwave is my cheat sheet for having a filling breakfast but being lazy AF.
I had 5 eggs for breakfast with a whole avocado, no oil. I cooked it without seasoning, heated it for 3 minutes, one minute at a time with cover, and sprinkled my homemade taco seasoning on it with garlic salt and black pepper. My taco seasoning is a combo of like ancho chile, chili powder, cumin, and honestly I can’t remember what else, but it tastes good. I have it in a jar. Probs should have labeled it? I thought I’d remember more. Ah well…
Good thing I have Instacart. I got the 90 egg pack at Sam’s Club. Its literally $9-ish dollars for that. I’ll blow through these fuckers fast. 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
Also. The treadmill has arrived! I ordered an elliptical too, because you know I’m bougie. 💁🏻♀️The elliptical shows up tomorrow. I got it on Amazon. It was worth it. Mental health / physical health expenses. 🤷♀️
Now, I’ll just have to work on building them. 🙄 Shouldn’t be hard, right? 😭😭😭
I’ll post bragging pics once finished. I eventually want more gym equipment. I’m trying to make my workout space bangin’.
So, my period has been a smidge irregular the past few years, I think related to some health stuff and the IUD, but I’m noticing my cycle extending, and what I mean by that is that I am getting shorter periods, less spotting between periods, and more days between the end of a period and start of the next period.
It used to be a very small window between periods and long periods and it drove me nuts. I’m excited my cycle is getting back to normal. Yay!
Because I fear pregnancy more than most things, I bought a 100 pack of pregnancy test strips on Amazon for $19.99. I knew that my cycle was probs getting back to normal, but hey last adult situation with the dude I got dumped by got a little messier than intended on accident and I thought better to be safe than sorry. What a relief that my period started today. Thank fuck.
Hell, the test strips are good til 2022, and I’ll fucking hand them out like party favors. Halloween idea for adults, pregnancy tests and condoms bowl. Be safe and don’t multiply!
I also can’t get over how weirdly fucking cute the package is for the pregnancy strips… and all of the individual wrapping… like omg
And the treadmill is getting delivered tomorrow! Which is weird because I definitely had a spidey sense that it was coming today or tomorrow, even though the shipping vendor they used, which is some company I’m not familiar with did not update destination along the way. I mean, come on… the treadmill left Seattle for Saint Louis. It didn’t just magic itself here in one stop. 🙄
Now, I must clean more like a mad woman so the servicemen can get the damn thing in. Like omg… so much to feckin do..
I decided to spring for a treadmill because co-vid has no end in sight so I don’t feel comfortable going to a gym, and because there was a really good sale at the retailer, so I’m paying $24/month 0% APR for 36 months. Not too shabby.
Now I’m stress cleaning to create a space for it in what used to be the storage / study room. My cat Pumpkin threw a fit and would yell at me and cry whenever I was upstairs in the loft (former study / storage space), so I was effectively kicked out because of my cat being a whiny baby Maine Coon… aka like every Maine Coon I’ve met, a total drama queen. 🤨
Lucky for Pumpkin I like it better downstairs because its more open down here. He"s lucky he’s cute. He’s my brat, and not the kitty who just went to the hospital, that’s Lovebug who is napping on a pile of sweaters on my desk while I’m working because he’s a trooper and he deserves it. 🥺
Now, I’m aggressively cleaning and trying to get rid of lots of shit so I dont feel cramped in, and I’m having some very brutal conversations with myself about what I’ve actually used in the last 5 years… There are a lot of things I’ve held onto that I’ve convinced myself I will use or need “someday.” Ah, yes, and the many things that I have tried using, but don’t work for me personally because they look nice or were a gift. I’m having a veritable purge, but honestly, all of the organizing and purging of possessions has been good at helping me manage my stress, anxiety, depression, and ADHD, so its a win on all fronts. I’m amazed by all of the things I own that I forgot I owned… so in my mind, that means I have way too much stuff, and my brain will have more space to think when it isn’t cluttered with stuff or trying to clean up a constantly messy space, which gets messy easily because I absolutely have way too much junk.
ADHD is walking into the kitchen to make coffee for relaxation, popping out your phone and looking at Tumblr, immediately forgetting why you went to the kitchen, walking out and then remembering, “oh yeah, coffee.”
I am taking a break from work. It’s my first day back from vacation. I feel just a teensy bit anxious. Like, I know that everything will be fine, but I am just feeling anxious being back and looking at my inbox.
I’ve been having a hard time calming myself down. I forgot to brush my teeth this morning, so I just did that and now I’m just trying to mellow.
I am going to focus on some very simple tasks and chill before getting back to work stuff. My anxiety was just making it literally impossible to focus.
This shit isn’t cute. Your loss, dumbass, I’m a kinky ass woman, but I don’t take shit from anyone, but especially not from losers like you!
I doubled down and reported it. I don’t care. That is not appropriate behavior, I don’t care if he thinks he was joking, he was being a fucking pig.
Note: I am not actively swiping right or trying to date anyone or on dating apps since I literally just got dumped, but Hinge will show messages sent to you. I got this notification, and I was instantly in a bad mood.
Confirmed. He doesn’t want to see where things go. I would be open to that. He doesn’t want to do long distance.
I still feel pissed. He said it was real and he would be open to seeing where things go if he wasn’t moving.
But he also sounds like he took the first job offer that came his way.
$55,000, with a PhD, for a job in NYC? It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. Ok, so you just busted your ass on a PhD for 6 years just cuz? Lmao, ok then. For someone so smart, he’s a real fucking idiot.
I’m marking in my calendar for 2 years about how I won’t be engaged in 2 years, which he claims I will be. Well, I sent a text saying I had half a mind to do that so I could laugh when I’m single and not engaged in 2 years as he claims I will be. Yes. I know that’s petty AF and immature, but I’m also feeling salty AF. I went from being heartbroken and sad and now I’m just pissed.
9/6/20 - tw: anxiety shit, toxic former relationship, and suicidal ideation mention (from years ago) tw marked in tags
Literally, nothing is actually wrong, I’m just battling my inner demons.
Like, I am convinced that I am going to get ghosted by this guy, or that he will lose interest in me / get sick of me, or that he will be scared off if / when he visits my apartment because its big and I make about twice as much as he does.
Like, because of my past with dating, I literally caught myself telling myself he had ghosted me when I hadng heard back in 24 hours. He was out with friends and apparently had too much to drink and then spent most of today recovering.
Thats my reflex now. Nothing can be this nice and nothing this nice can last. I’m telling myself that I am being love bombed and that this isn’t sustainable. I could never be this happy with someone.
Like, wow, my ex and every other asshole I’ve had bad dating experiences with in the last 2 years have REALLY fucked me up.
He literally has not given me any indication of this and I find my anxiety free wheeling.
I’m grateful that we have some days apart. I think that after 24 hours together on Friday through Saturday that we need time apart. Like, best that we don’t get sick of each other.
I’m really just venting. I think I’m going to schedule an appointment with my counselor this week. I was going to take this week off. My normal day is her wedding anniversary and I wanted to be considerate of her schedule because of Labor Day so we could skip the session this week. I thought I was fine, but ah! My brain has to cook up wild flights of fancy related to my insecurity!
Logically, if the guy were to pull any of the scenarios I’ve imagined above, he wouldn’t be worth my time. I KNOW THAT. Anxiety is a fucking bitchy little liar. It is not being helpful. I am afraid to lose something that I am enjoying and that it will hurt. I am afraid of becoming more bitter than I already am. I am afraid of being tossed aside. I am afraid he is not as good of a person as he seems and that he is being gaslight.
I really attributed this to my ex. My ex basically in part pretended to be someone different than he is out of insecurity and kept the ruse up. He was severely abused, and so he was afraid of losing love. He didn’t think anyone could love him. He is bipolar and was undiagnosed during our relationship. I am not mad at him for any of that, but he didnt change. He was a very different person during phases of our relationship. He went from warm and soft to hard and angry and soft and angry… he felt like he wasn’t the person I began dating. I did love him. He did gaslight me. I forgive him. He understands that he did some wrong things and is working on himself. I honestly feel sorry for him. I feel a mixture of anger, sadness, and frustration, and wistfulness when I think of him. The love was real. I am afraid of loving someone and losing them again. I loved him but staying with him literally made me seriously contemplate suicide. It was not good to stay there. My heart feels so conflicted. I was full of so much love and so much suffering and pain.
I have so much baggage and I’m having a hard time. I was relieved he didn’t want to get together tomorrow and that we are holding off until Wednesday. I wanted to work on organizing my home and watching Netflux and hiking. I am literally getting the space I want and also feeling anxious and fearful of abandonment in the same breath.
I am not foolish enough to think that I love him, but when I said goodbye to him on Saturday morning, he kissed me at my car and I thought essentially that this would be the time to say “I love you.” It felt like the thing I would say under those circumstances. I felt it was the circumstance I would say it. I feel like I have been seeing him as a mixture of his former and current self, overlapping in the same instant, two points divergent in time laying over each other like slides in a projector. I felt that moment was overlapping in time - my present and my future where I could be saying those words in the same circumstances.
I am scared. I am scared of my own feelings. I am afraid of his feelings and how he has felt hurt before and that he could run from me too out of fear. I feel amped up anxiety.
I think I need to lay down and sleep. I just needed to release my anxiety. I accept that i have these feelings. They are only feelings and just because I am thinking them does not mean they are accurate. I will sleep and I will be ok and no matter what happens, I will be ok if not immediately, I will be eventually.
9/6/20 - gardening, family, not very fitblr, dating
Excited to bring my dirt to mom from my compost today. She needs the soil for her garden. I find composting meditative, calming, and satisfying. There’s something beautiful about seeing things change back to the earth.
We’re having a mini BBQ thing for labor day. My family mostly celebrates holidays by eating.
I havent been logging calories or doing Noom like the last week. 😬 I could be doing worse, but I could definitely be doing better. Oof.
I am excited about L, but I am also nervous. I don’t want to jinx things. Everything is so nice and I’m almost afraid that if I talk about it too much that the bubble will burst and it will all disappear in an instant. I can feel my anxiety rearing its ugly head telling me that nothing nice ever lasts in romance, and I find myself texting T & R, 2 of my dude friends for comfort. T is tough love and R is my comfort. Im grateful for them. T would tell me thats sappy and gross. Lol.
9/3/20 - Más Citas / More Dates, Friend stuff, Not being a good Fitblr… lol
L and I had a really great time yesterday and will be getting together again Friday to hike. We’re thinking coffee, hiking, and probs food after. I want him to meet the cats, but also depending on the trail, we might end up more in my direction than his. He is pro-cat. Also, I mean, I assume we will want to shower at someone’s place after hiking so we’re probs going to someone’s place.
The hiking is essential, because I absolutely not being good about exercise or eating. I’ve hung out with one of my dude friends twice since vacay and that means watching The Simpsons with his roomie, Taco Bell, and my newly minted Baja Blast margs. 😂 Lol. I was helping him with some job shit and he’s a sweetheart and insists on getting me food. I’m not complaining but that also means junk food. He’s 6 foot and somehow eats like a carnival raccoon and doesn’t gain any goddamn weight. So not fair. 😭
Also cool because his roomie is military and so his schedule is crazy and so I just never really saw the guy much before. The roomie and I are hitting it off - cool dude. My friend told me his roomie was like 100% vanilla otherwise I would probably have tried to seduce his roomie. 😂 And by probably, I mean, I would have. 🤣 Lol. My bud is one of the few Doms I know who I don’t think is a douchebag, thats why I know the roomie is vanilla. They have a gentleman’s agreement that if he has a play partner over, to please do it while he’s out, which is fair. He once had to explain why a bunch of clothespins went missing… so like I censor myself a bit around the roommate. 🤣
I’ve been hanging out a lot with my friends which has been great. I had a dinner with a gal pal I havent seen in months because of fucking co-vid. We missed each other’s birthdays because of it, so we did like a dual birthday dinner. She got me the book Basic Witches and I fucking love it. My eyes lit up. What a fucking awesome gift. 🥰 My birthday was back in March and hers was in June. She’s my astrology buddy, and she’s getting into crystals so we were talking about it. Lol, we’re new age-y basically and spilling the T. Man, I’ve missed her. She said she missed my fun Aries energy. She’s my Cancer babe. 😂
L and I got coffee in The Grove which is the LGBT neighborhood in STL. I’m sad because its not as big as it used to be. Also, its pretty awesome because L is def LGBT supportive AF. He’s a cis straight dude, but woke and he’s pretty familiar with the stuff there because his best buds are this gay couple in the same program and he used to live in the area. His friend called while we were hanging out to tell L how his interview went. L helped him prep for this massive like 5 hour interview, and I just can’t imagine the stress. 🤯 It’s a big international company and let’s just say that the money would be insane if his friend gets it. He had him on speaker and we talked for a bit and I’ve decided he’s precious. I feel like his friend and I would hit it off. I haven’t even met his friend and I’m excited for him. It’s an amazing opportunity.
Also, just really awesome to see how supportive he is. I mean, he just seems like a really upstanding guy.
We hung out at a local museum after coffee for a few hours then headed back to his place. Adult situations occurred. Lol. I was late to dinner with my friend and I have a speeding ticket. I have a court date and my dumbass needs to figure out lawyer shit so I can avoid points on my license and my insurance going up. 🙄
It was actually sweet because L was like “tell your friend I’m sorry I made you late.” I mean, 2 to tango, but hours definitely went by quickly and he was concerned when I told him I had a ticket, he interpreted my text different because of how I worded something and we end up on the phone again after dinner. I’m just amazed we’re hitting it off so well.
So, here’s to seeing where things continue going. Again, no jinxes, no getting ahead of ourselves. We’ll see what happens.
I’m excited about my date today with L. Yay! We’re on for date 3. Trying not to jinx things. I’m just excited to see where things go.
I have whoops, not been logging calories and I’m definitely treating my staycation like a destination. vacay and I haven’t been counting calories. Lol. I need to at least be exercising and I should go hiking like I said I would. 🤣
L is real slick though. I was showing him some pics on my phone and had said something to the effect of “I was taking lots of progress pics at the time because I was losing weight, and now I’ve gained weight,” and without a pause he shot back “in all the right places.” I mean, I dunno, it made me smile. He has a way of catching me off guard and I like it.
I’ve been spending a good chunk of this morning thinking about the kissing that happened at the end of our date, leaned up against my car. 🤤
Thai food followed by Clementine’s Naughty and Nice Cream. We sat on a bench and ate ice cream and talked and kissed. I found out that he actually just finished his thesis. He’s a Dr. now. He was actually working on turning in his final thesis while we’ve been dating and talking. I don’t know how he found time for me.
The 3rd date is planned this week. My head has that happy, muddled feeling where I can’t think straight. I’m just in a happy, hazy headspace. ☺