Grief is Knowledge
I was on vacation for most of August and in that time and space, I gained some perspective about myself. I think we’ve all had a lot of time to think and process and accept some of the events that will make 2020 memorable for a lot of the wrong reasons, but maybe we come out wiser and stronger. Change is inevitable and indeed messy. Always messy.
Moments like these are pivotal and in hindsight usually prove to be benchmarks of our growth, but the quiet and slow revelation of how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us can be so humbling. It’s a process to be able to look at perceptions like these with compassion and honesty and there’s always some unpleasant bits that stay hidden in the recesses. Even though our journeys are unique, we have all experienced similar problems and challenges to a greater or lesser extent. In this blog space, I’d like to think that my experience is not unique so I don’t feel alone, but the end of the day it’s a solo endeavor. Our experiences are subjective and a manifestation of where we are currently directing our energy in our daily lives.
My manifestation right now is a big empty space. A space in my heart that I have reclaimed by slowly throwing out everything that isn’t serving my highest good. I’ve spent time cleaning out my music studio space and my house over the last year to reflect who I am now and what I need now, why shouldn’t my heart space go through the same purge? In some ways, it’s very surreal. Foreign terrain in a familiar landscape with room to think my own thoughts and breathe my own air. I’m hoping that it allows me to stock the shelves and add to the space slowly with what I need from moment to moment. Quick turnaround helpful nuggets of knowledge that I need for that exact moment and when they have served their purpose, they are back stocked and eventually sent back out into the ether.
The result of reclaiming this space has been extremely reflective and a bit messy (ok more than a bit…) where I was asked to look deep within myself to be able to examine who I am, how I treat myself, how I treat other people, biases, assumptions etc. Maybe it’s a sign of the times. What this reflection brought up for me was that I realized how many judgements I put onto myself, other people and how I assert my opinion onto situations multiple times a day - actively and passively whether they involve me or not - and the pressure it puts on me and others to be right.
I always need to have the right answer when someone asks me a question or I feel dumb or somehow diminished. Those close to me need to snap to when I ask them a question or when I need something and if they fail they’ve somehow let me down - maybe I’m assuming that they work the same way I do where they work just as quickly to give the right answer almost like a mind reader. This sets an impossibly high expectation! The realization started with people I care about pointing it out (ouch), to a place where I’m able to notice as I’m doing it, then it progressed to trying to stop doing it which somehow made it worse. At a low point after we returned home from our trip, I felt really lost and really bummed. Out of some kind of surrender, I told myself “I know nothing”….
Then there was silence. A pause in this internal battle. Something shifted and created an opening or a pause in the internal chatter. This feels different. This feels important. It’s not my job to know everything. I don’t have to have all the answers - and no one expects that of me.
At first, it was a gentle mantra. A phrase that felt helpful to clear my thoughts. Then I tried inserting that phrase into other situations - people who cut me off in traffic, someone on TV saying something that I would normally judge or that would make me shake my head or get angry. It short circuited that expectation and as a result, softened my energy towards them. It made me front load my reaction with empathy for what is transpiring in their life right now, what they have hardwired into their thinking from years of repetition and how their words and actions reflected that. [I know nothing] about this person or what their life is like. [I know nothing] about why they need to do what they’re doing or why they’re saying what they’re saying. The layers of everything that happen in everyone’s lives pile up until our defenses and our justifications are just habit. We’ve forgotten why we do a lot of things.
This lead me to look at why I have these unrealistic expectations of myself and others where I need instant correct action, answers and instant exactitude. It’s not relevant to anyone else’s story besides my own, but suffice it to say that in my formative years I felt the need to develop armor for myself by thinking quickly as well as learning to have a very active spidey sense for when someone was not being truthful with their words and actions. AKA childhood scars and scar tissue. We all have them.
This is all so new, but I’m noticing that my energy is softer and I definitely feel more relaxed. I notice that my interactions with people have more space to be curious instead of guarded. I’m not as worried about the what if’s. It feels liberating letting go of needing to know what might happen two years from now as a result of a decision that I make this week. It also makes me sad to realize that I steered a lot of outcomes to meet my standards for a long time. That’s where I’m at now and it’s going to take some time to own that part of it and forgive myself.
To cap off this revelation, a couple of funny things happened to confirm that I’m on the right path: About a week later I heard a quote in the most unlikely place that caught my attention. It was in a scene from the binge-worthy Netflix series Mindhunter (which is about the creation of the behavioral science unit at the FBI which studies serial killers!! 😆) When I heard nearly the same phrase from one of the characters, who was justifying a more empirical way to approach analyzing the data that they were collecting, I had to rewind to make sure that I heard it right. Adding this to my non-coincidence list for sure. Thanks, Universe!
“The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing.”
Boom - mic drop! I’m not saying that I possess true wisdom - far from it, but it comforting to feel like someone noticed that I’m working really hard. And of course to reiterate the message (and probably keep my ego in check), when I turned on my TV a few days after hearing the quote in Mindhuter, I happened to be on a channel showing Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. The scene with Socrates (“It’s under So-crates”🤣) where Bill S. Preston, Esq reads this same exact quote from their history book. Really? Yes, really. The universe works in strange and hysterical ways.
Ever start reading a book, loved it then started realizing it’s too deep to just read casually & needs to be studied…😂
#lion #Facts #history #knowledge
#truth #bold #honest #focused #be #whatmatters #life #enlightenment
“But the idea behind Pascal’s wager has fundamental applications outside of theology. It stands the entire notion of knowledge on its head. It eliminates the need for us to understand the probabilities of a rare event (there are fundamental limits to our knowledge of these); rather, we can focus on the payoff and benefits of an event if it takes place. The probabilities of very rare events are not computable; the effect of an event on us is considerably easier to ascertain (the rarer the event, the fuzzier the odds). We can have a clear idea of the consequences of an event, even if we do not know how likely it is to occur. I don’t know the odds of an earthquake, but I can imagine how San Francisco might be affected by one. This idea that in order to make a decision you need to focus on the consequences (which you can know) rather than the probability (which you can’t know) is the central idea of uncertainty.”
— Nassim Nicholas Taleb: The Black Swan
Did you know it was illegal to own gold?!
#gold #silver #invest #investing #money #cashflow #Executiveorder1602 #money #realestate #stocks #USA #FDR #forex #knowledge
“Through wisdom a house is built, by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”
When I saw this video I was deeply amazed at the lesson he was teaching. So many times I looked over this for stupid YouTube videos. But one day I decided to see what this man had to say. I suggest others do the same.
#revenge of #Mr #Muhammad
Possessed with the #spirit
#sensubeans : #navybeans
#Here we offer #success #knowledge & #goodvibes
Know your worth #Kings & #Queen
#college #rap #hiphop
Go on this post and comment ⛽️ on the @thehiphoplab #ShowMeTheMoney #JerryMaguire
Questions welcome only #professional interactions 😋😉
https://youtu.be/_nL6KfcFRIs (at Detroit, Michigan)
Ah, to be an ornithologist so that I may immediately and without hesitation call bullshit on the generic bird noises being used for background in movies by knowing full well that that bird lives no where near that area.
#Repost @conspiracy_intellect @download.ins
#hollyweird #weird #conspiracy #illuminati #awakening #people #kanyewest #conspiracy #knowledge #energywepons #tesla #sheeple #newworldorder #occult #chemtrails #flatearth #celebrity #alien #aliens #ufo #ufo
I want to know everything
Been awhile since I jumped on @voiseyofficial so I had to speak my mind. Bearlt made by @will0nthebeat! Putting a spin on the classic #changegonnacome by @officialsamcooke! Just know a #change is gonna #come!! #motivation #motivational #create #creative #inspire #instadaily #instamood #knowledge #woke #bewoke #thankful #samcooke #soul&b #troyweekesmusic
Time is precious. How you use it is very important. Do not spend it on anything that doesn’t make you a better person.