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last week we noticed midge was limping, and like... we've known for a while she's had hip difficulties and joint pain and we'd been giving her stuff for it to help. but after that day last week she just kinda. you know when cats start going downhill they really nosedive. she kinda progressively kept...not eating, just laying down in her box or on the blanket. we'd fetch her food and water, and pet her, and she'd still purr to see us. and then she started wheezing and having trouble breathing, and it's like. it was going too slowly and too quickly all at once.

so I sat up with her last night and told her a lot of things. because like. midge is my best friend. midge is... we got her and buffy 19 years ago, when I was 10, and the first time I saw them they were messin around and biting each others' ears, and I held midge, and she was 6 months, and I just. she was my cat. and we just. we watched each other grow up. she helped me and I want to think that I helped her. she was just there for me when things were awful and when things were wonderful. I told her that she's helped me, and that she's perfect, and that I hope she knows I'd do anything for her, and I wish I could do more. I wasn't expecting her to last the night.

in the morning she was in her box (a shitty old amazon box she'd taken over and made her Safety Zone for several months) all curled up, wheezing. I said good morning to her. went to get ready for work. when I came back about to leave, she'd gone.

it was raining when we buried her. she was really small and still in her box, curled up like she was asleep, but...cold. she was so thin too by then. it's haunting. it's her but it's not but it is. there's a corner of the garden where we can dig and wouldn't be disturbed, under the hydrangea. she always used to sit out in the garden and take naps in the sunshine when it was warm. she wasn't interested in wandering off or anything. just wanted to go out and sleep in the garden. so I liked the idea of her being in there. since her sister buffy and our dog ben went to the vet crematorium gardens, it was nice, they were best friends. but midge never really got on with them much, so it's nice she gets to stay here. but it was raining, and cold, and I really like. hated the thought of her being cold and wet and alone out there. it was scary. that's my cat, that's the body I petted and hugged and looked after and that looked after me, and it's going into the cold wet dirt. we wrapped her up. I wanted to put her in there. made sure to tell her I loved her. we put a stone on top, and a garden lion statue we have, to guard her. and it's so hard to think about it now. and I'm gonna be thinking about it a lot.

I just. we have all this stuff left now. blankets, her toys, her bowls. her cushion on the windowsill. and it's gonna be here. and all the cat fur, and it's gonna stop smelling like her, and soon this will be a house with no cats, and it'll stop being a house where she lives. and it's so scary.

I just. she was my midge. she'd nap in mum's planter and come in covered in dirt. mum got her a little penguin toy you filled with treats and she loved it and batted it around. she liked to smell flowers. she had this stupid high pitched meow and would purr when she saw you and chirp anytime she even looked at you. she would climb up dad's chair and lick his head so much he started a twitter hashtag. she'd sit in front of the TV when she wanted our attention. she'd stare into empty screens like she was seeing into the void. she was a fiend for cream and chicken and had special Best Favourite Food meows that were longer and purrier and would just absolutely do anything to get it. special chicken or cream times. when I was a kid dad would let her into my room to wake me up for school. one time she just climbed into my bed and snuggled with me. she'd hang out on my bottom bunk on my fluffy cushion for naps. she had one black legwarmer and one ginger legwarmer. her butt was half and half like todoroki's hair. she liked tummy rubs. she had the most perfect and amazing little nose smudge I've ever seen in my life and I think about how there's never gonna be a cat again who looks like her and I get so sad. she was such a little princess who was spoiled and entitled but so so affectionate and loving and sweet. she was a brat but she was my brat.

midget gem. little rafflesia. midgemodge. midgeymidge. peanut. stinky. sleepy socks. baby baby. her midgesty. miss midge. miss mib. mib.

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yourinstagram i ended up picking a better outfit btw

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