I wanted to see my friends because I haven’t seen them in a while. I messaged one of them and I was like, “Hey girl! you want to hangout? I am going to be home today” she said yeah, and to come over with a bikini because it was going to be hot out and we could lay out and go swimming. Every time we are together we have a really good time, so that’s what I was expecting .. that’s not what happened though. My other friend texted me saying she was going to also be there with her brother who I was close to. I was so happy because these 3 have been some of my closest friends for so long and I couldn’t wait to spend the day with them like I used to.
On snapchat, I saw another one of their friends coming towards her house. I was never too close to this girl, but we got along and I wanted to eventually create a friendship with her. This concerned me a little bit, because if she was coming, there were probably other people also coming that I did not expect. I love having more people there, the more the merrier. But I was just concerned about being left out, which is possible when everyone is close friends with new people and I moved 2 hours away. Annnnddd I was right, more people came, and I was in fact, left out.
We were underneath a canopy getting sunscreen on and having some drinks before going in the pool. This is when the first hit happened. Everyone started talking about this “awesome camping trip” they were going on. They were discussing all the details, getting excited, making plans, all while I was sitting next to them knowing that they have never mentioned this to me before and didn’t plan on it. I did not want this to ruin the rest of my day visiting my friends at home, so I ignored it and just acted like I didn’t care and wasn’t listening. What could I have possibly done? Ask why they didn’t invite me? Invite myself? I’m just not that type of person, so I stayed quiet. Then they started talking about the sleepover happening that night, which I was not told about. One of my friends looked at me and asked if I was going to spend the night. I did not want to say something like “I didn’t know about it” or “I wasn’t invited”, so I just said “I’ll see how I feel later!” and she said she’d do the same.
We moved to the pool, and the water felt nice relaxing on a floaty. Until the second (third??) hit happened.. they started talking about a Hollywood Undead concert they were all going to. Hollywood Undead was my favorite band in middle school, it was literally my thing. I just went to a concert with 2 of the people there that day a few years ago and we always talked about going to another because it was so fun. Yet now they are going again.. just without me. This was talked about multiple times throughout the time I was there, and it made me think their plan was to make me feel left out on purpose that day. Why else would they be bringing up all these plans that only 1 person there wasn’t invited to? So again, I just floated around and pretended to not be listening. One of my friends came up to me and said I seemed tired, I said I was. I wasn’t, I just didn’t want to explain how hurt I was.
It started to rain so we were moving to someone else’s house. 3 of us were there already while the other people went home to change. Of course, they started bringing up more things that I did not know about. They were having a party that coming weekend, and talked about how excited they were and made plans and discussed games they’d play. All I could do was stand there next to them and not say a word. This is when I started wondering why I was even with these people in the first place. It started to not even feel like they were my friends.
When everyone else arrived, we went to the basement to play games. I was excited about this, because how left out could I feel playing a game? We first played a game that was similar to cards against humanity, that game was fun and I started to feel like everything was going to be okay. Then we moved on to a game that was about who would be most likely to do something, and a lot of the things said mean things on them. I tried not to take anything personally, since it was just a game. But I couldn’t help but feel attacked about some cards that were given to me. I can take a joke, but most of these did not reflect me at the slightest even though they swore they did, and it made me wonder if these people even knew who I was. I would talk about what some of them said and why they bothered me, but that is a whole other story.
After playing these two games, we decided to go back to my friend’s house that we originally were at with a pool. I would have just went home at this point, because other people did, so the time seemed acceptable; however, I didn’t drive myself, so I had to go back to her house. It wasn’t that late, and my parents only live 3 blocks away, so I didn’t have an excuse to leave when it was only 9pm. I ended up sitting on the couch until about 1am, mostly scrolling through my phone wishing I was at home 2 hours away with my fiance. It made me appreciate him a lot more because he would’ve never made me feel the way my “friends” did this day. I expected to have a girls day by the pool, party a little at night, and have a good time. All that happened is I was excluded from the group and it made me feel more self conscious than ever before.