Being open about me is something I should’ve been doing my whole life
People who matter will stay
Those who don’t will go
All I can say for myself is that I’m learning my lessons faster and maintaining my boundaries and standards in the face of intense NRE and chemistry.
Viking messaged me this morning saying that he tweaked his back and was working from bed. There was a bit of chit chat, then I got up to start my day. His next message was, “I want to be naughty today. Got any ideas?”
Seriously. -_- Nope.
Now I decide if I’m going to just ghost him and unfriend/block as needed or directly tell him off.
Cue the next chorus of ‘Thank You, Next.’
This one taught me that I really need to indulge my subby side and do the work to be sure I properly vet anyone I consider getting involved with. This one taught me that a good, healthy D/s relationship is what I need. This one taught me that I should just get off of FetLife for a bit… or at least not attempt to communicate with anyone there short of a casual fling.
I just watched the Wells Fargo episode of Dirty Money on Netflix. I vaguely heard about all of this a few years ago as they were being taken to task. I suspected that I was screwed, but I wasn’t sure.
Going back to 2011 when my former company Graphation was incorporated, after completing the process via Legal Zoom. (A quick note about that, we were walked through the process by a friend. He made sure we only had what we wanted and needed.) After the incorporation, I went to my bank, Wells Fargo. I started banking with Wells Fargo in 2005 while volunteering for a year as a live-in big brother for troubled teens. Before that, I only had my student bank. I wasn’t paid, but I could receive tax-deductible support. I barely had any support and lived off my meager savings while my parents took care of my car payments.
I need ONLY to open a bank account. I had already declined a credit card with Legal Zoom, a card my friend DID NOT pressure me to take and advised against. Sitting in Wells Fargo they informed me I needed a checking account and they said I needed a savings account as well. I was sitting with a personal banker, who I assumed was an expert and they must know what they’re talking about. The banker then insisted upon a credit card.
I knew a credit card would be bad news. I wasn’t a good businessman, I am a creative person who was incorporating out of legal necessity. However, I knew that for a startup it would mean debt. I was hesitant but was pushed in that direction. I don’t want to say “pressured,” but after having watched Dirty Money, I was certainly manipulated.
The final nail… I was going to say “nail in the coffin,” but this nail was hammered firmly into my skull, that nail was putting my name on the credit card. We set the business up in a way that our personal assets would be protected. However, the inclusion of my name on that card, that debt could follow me home.
After several years of financial struggle, we closed the business (a decision my business partner Andrew and I were divided on). We used the credit card on all these efforts to create a breakthrough that now feels more like bad bets. We made bad financial decisions, we put it on that credit card, I take that blame, that is fair. The debt collector who was constantly calling me made sure I was aware of that, reminding me “you signed for it buddy, you spent it.” When the company folded we owed a bit in taxes, however, we were protected from that debt.
When folding the company, I went through the process of how to do so with my accountant. He informed me that, as an officer of the company, I didn’t need to have my name on the card. The card should have been a company card. A fact I’m sure my banker knew. The banker that was supposed to look out for me. When my first daughter was born a few months later, the business failure wasn’t behind me, thousands of dollars in debt (quite a substantial sum for my family) followed us all home.
I felt (and largely feel) a failure, however, I do find some solace having watched Dirty Money. I wasn’t informed, which I deeply regret, but I was taken advantage of. I’m at once relieved and grieved more to know I wasn’t the only one.
This is not a race this is a record .
Your achievements or non achievements are a reflection of your daily life.Your ability to recall with ease, is a manifestion of those early mornings when you didn’t want to get up out of bed, yet you somehow found the courage to rise. It is testimony to one’s inner strength to switch on that kettle, yes that familiar scent of coffee is your guarantee that you will and shall, earlier than one ought to, stagger through the reluctance, grogginess and disorientation of time, space and common sense.
Then there is the ease, the ease in which you able to recall the Qur’an is a testimony to how much time you’ve spent with it. There is no room for pretending. The end of the week transforms into a yardstick, a measurement of a declaration you made. A declaration of love for the words revealed by Him.
If there is one thing I’ve learned so far, it is this: certainly with practice you will meet breakthrough and with breakthrough you will find yourself holding the hand of a grand responsibilty. Ever at war to ensure a firm grasp, you pray and pray to never let go. Salah is your best companion at this stage. ‘There are not enough prayers in the day’ I heard one say. Holding tightly, she too, nurturing that love.
The journey to memorise, I began to quickly discover, does not end past the door; the moment an ayah, a surah or juz is committed to memory no, rather it seems it is only just the beginning. The beginning of a grand adventure
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
I am going to start with saying people in business can be friendly, casual, or healthy parts of each other’s lives. But remember there is a line. It is when that line starts blurring that issues come up. I’ve had two reminders of this recently:
1. Person A I have worked with an none for almost two years. We had gotten friendly to the point of giving birthday gifts and talking about family. We started together because of business. But when I approached person A about a buying option it was rejected. That was not initially a problem. The problem came up when I found Person A had gone to another person afterwards for the same thing. That sense of betrayal felt more like friendship than business for both us and all contact was lost.
2. Person B a different person I work with. We had known each other for almost a year and they were with me during a small health scare. We became friends before any talk of business came up. Person B came to me with a concept they wanted to know if I wanted to join. We have discussed the business option 3 times since then. In one meeting we decided on our roles in the business and discussed money quickly with a more realistic timeline. Person B is now evaluating the options with other brokers they would need to make a fully informed decision about going through with the business option or not. Plus we are still talking and good friends.
Those encounters reminded me of difference between being a friendly business person, a friend with business knowledge, and a friend.
Don’t minimize Now. Sure, Back Then might have been harder, you might have objectively seen worse, but that doesn’t mean Now is easy or okay. Recognize it for what it is so you can handle it, because chances are minimizing Back Then back then didn’t work out so great either.
everyone is replaceable.
Growing up, I don’t know why I always feel I have to compete with anyone else. I constantly feel the need to be better than anyone else. Being better always becomes what I aim for. Even though I become frustrated in the process, I can’t stop this way of thinking. It’s like unchangeable. But comparing myself with other people all the time is giving me a hard time. It also makes me lose my confidence when I think about other people who seem to have a much better life than me. What makes this all worse is that I really care about what other people say about me. Their opinions matter very much to me. It’s even more difficult to stay sane because I always try to fulfill what is expected from me. So I’m not being myself. I don’t put my own perspective above anything else. My opinion doesn’t have a space in my mind. I behave according to what other people expect me to be. I do what other people expect me to do. This is not good. This notion of I must be this or that is slowly killing me inside.
Living this life is supposed to be a journey which is enjoyable. But I put too much stress on myself because of the pressure to be better than anyone else. I already knew that putting myself in a competition with everyone else constantly only put me into suffering. But I can’t change this perspective. This way of thinking is already deeply embedded in my mind. I realized that I will be anxious not to have something that is better than anyone else. It’s like my source of being confident. But this way of increasing my confidence is not good. I’m always stressed trying to compete with everyone else. I want to change my mind but it’s hard. I’m trying to change it, but the struggle is real. I can’t change it in one night. It’s already deeply rooted in my mind that I need to slowly change it step by step. It’s not easy, but I have to try. In the end, nothing is impossible. The key here is to accept myself as who I am. I care too much about other people’s opinion of me that I neglect who I really want to be. I ignore what has been my true self. I’ve been so afraid to take action for myself. I’ve been afraid people will judge me badly. But now I know that I can’t be perfect. I can’t please everyone. I need to learn that this perfectionism is not good for my mental health. I need to express who I truly am as myself. I need to be free from the fear of being commented on by other people. So I should keep trying to change my way of thinking and not give up. I need to free myself from this imaginary competition of mine. It doesn’t bring me any good so I have to stop doing it. I hope I can change myself. I can do this. It’s one of the steps for me to be a better person and live a better life.
So, yes – despite the long wait, I am, in fact, still working on the next chapter of my Hank POV story, Lessons Learned, which you can expect to be posted sometime within the next few weeks!
In the meantime, here’s a sneak peek, in which Hank and Connor receive some unwelcome news about the deviancy case.
don’t ever share your favorite songs or bands with the wrong people, because they can easily become tainted if the relationship dissolves in a negative way. keep your sacred songs a secret.
Okay, I’m semi devastated. The arm transplanting didn’t end well at all. It started off perfectly and the practice run was smooth. However when I went to put my mini-me’s arms from curvy collector to the the regular curvy fashionista. The first one went on pretty good but that 2md one never did. And it scrapped the vinyl ragged like nobody’s business. Then I got the right idea to drill through the arm and the joint mechanism and add a screw or something. Can we say all together that I fucked up. I kept hearing a voice that said don’t do it to your mini-me. But nope,.my stubborn self had to do it. Thankfully I found a Ms. Which in Am*zon Warehouse for 26.00 ( not that I can really spare it, but this is my only sanity rn.) Now that I’ve settled down some I’m glad I learned about the rotary tool, and even limb swaps. And have reached the conclusion that the arm holes from the curvy collector maybe have been a bit too large for the regular curvy body. Or that I did not remove the arm as gently and it caused artifacts. But I don’t think I’ll use tht particular method any time in the near future.
The one time I didn’t write on google docs— writing a young professor Bjorn Drabble— tumblr ate it. 😩
Since I decided after the New Year that I needed to change I took January as a learning period. The big thing about a learning period is to also make it a planning period. This way I could try and build a plan for goals to hit, have reference, and focus my research.
Goals for January were:
-Learn more of how to do my hobbies more effectiently; Use the tools I have.
-Review how other artist/people I know are doing things.
-Search for business tips
-Watched several tutorials. Did increase my speed slightly.
-Found an artist willing to work with me so I can have the point of view of a professional.
-Began watching videos of entrepreneurs on YouTube. (Had to go through several to find people I could relate to and understand.)
-Learned the Lesson of Don’t Reinvent the Wheel. Things work for a reason just decide which I am willing to do and go for it.
-Begin anaylzing what I have, figure out what I want to do, and work on how I want to do it. I need a mission, something I could commit to when things get rough. That will give me a mission statement.
I’ve been down so long
Your gaze is a memory forlornly gone
I’ve thoughts in my head I wish I could shake off
I’ve sins I’ll pay for right now while I’m still too young