My dearly beloved
As always, I hope you’re fine. It’s been a while since the last time I wrote you a letter, it’s just that now I have plenty of things to let you know.
You know throughout the years and failed relationships, my walls and insecurities were built. Every single time someone’s flirting or trying to give me signs they like me, it’s not me who reads the situation but my insecurities; and I have to say they’ve been misreading everything for a while and it’s just, after a breakdown, that I realize that.
It seems you gave me a lot of signs you liked me before but they went over my head like a ball. Or maybe it’s not they went over my head; maybe it’s just that I avoided them unconsciously in order to protect myself from being hurt; but I never realized I could actually hurt someone while trying to protect myself.
I never paid attention to the way you looked at me; to the pretty things you told me; to the way you talked to me; to the way you acted around me. I’m sorry I’m so blinded by my own insecurities, and I really hope you can understand it and forgive me for it.
There are some things I still need to solve with myself. I’ve been carrying this emotional baggage for so long and I need to work it out; otherwise I’ll keep hurting myself every time I realize someone used to like me when it might be too late to do something about it.
I hope you can understand what’s in this letter, because even I don’t understand myself these days. If you understand, please explain it to me. I really need it.
Your very well known unknown lover
To define the feelings i have for you is not yet to be discovered.
But will it be enough if i tell you that I’m willing to give us a try?
Will you still take my hand in yours and not give up on me just yet?
For i, with my shattered pieces and broken wings, can only promise you this;
I will not back down this time,
I will give you my all
I will leave my past behind
I will write our chapters in life
For i am ready, have been for a while
Do you want to walk hand in hand with all our demons, monsters, and wounded hearts?
I won’t let go, i won’t run
I will stay with you, let’s give us a try.
Tchaikovsky letter (Moscow), 22 Dec 1872
¿Por qué? ¿Por qué dejar sin padre a una niña de 5 años? ¿Por qué hacerme ver lo insignificante que soy para que ni mi papá quiera tenerme en su vida? A veces pienso en perdonarte, perdonarte por no haber estado la primera vez que me caí en un camino de piedras, o la ves que hicimos un regalo por el día del Padre en el colegio, pero ahí me pongo a pensar y no entiendo, no entiendo por qué no me buscaste, ¿Qué hice mal? ¿Qué no te gustó de mi, para que te alejaras así? Para que salgas corriendo. Después de todo creo que no, no tengo nada que perdonar, estoy bien, al final; que tu padre rompa tu corazón antes que cualquier otro chico haya tenido la oportunidad de hacerlo, eso te deberia hacer fuerte, ¿Verdad?
My Dearest, River
“I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as the starfish loves a coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them. I will love you as the pesto loves the fettuccini and as the horseradish loves the miyagi, and the pepperoni loves the pizza. I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer. I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness of the napkin, and the squinting eye of the reader loves the smudged document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written.
I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat, and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms. I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp… I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and all the secrets have gone gasping into the world. I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled. I will love you until every fire is extinguished and rebuilt from the handsomest and most susceptible of woods. I will love you until the bird hates a nest and the worm hates an apple. I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close… I will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else–and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.” -Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters.
With all the love in my heart,
Elliot Joshua Grey Johnson
letter sounds youtube
You know, I imagine the head letters who teaches the other letters how to make their sound are voiced by celebrities each based off what sound the letter makes like:
do you think that’s weird?
A more colorful letter! I got this super cute paper pad that I’ve been really enjoying using recently. I love all the cute monkeys! 🐒🐒
P No. 77
I don’t know if you follow me. You won’t tell me what your tumblr is but after I posted the last one of these you’ve been silent. So if you can see these, I’m sorry. But I need you to understand how badly I care about you. It physically hurts. And it feels like you do not care about me at all. I feel sick thinking about you now. You say you don’t know how to help me, but fucking abandoning me won’t help at all. I wish I wasn’t as attached to you as I am. I wish I wasn’t as into you as I am. I wish I wasn’t as invested in you as I am. I wish i could be fine with this distance. But i’m not. Something has to change. Either I have to figure my shit out (which I’m trying hard as hell to), you need to actually talk to me, or we need to be done. I’ve been in physical agony that last 3 days over you. I tried to talk to you about it and you disappeared. I tried to get your help and thoughts, and you disappeared. This is as much my fault as yours if not more, but I just, can’t keep going like this. I was making progress and it’s all gone back to shit. Just talk to me please.
These nights contemplating the ceiling or statgazing outside makes me happy, the first image that always comes to my mind is you, your soft lips distinctly pressing mine softly and gently, they are my obsession, they’re my own type of heroin.
Everyday I’m searching for an answer, how did you manage to make me alive again? I just don’t understand, years of darkness that my heart was oppressed by people who I thought I deserved, you just popped up in my life, you lighted that creepy cruel darkness, you simply returned the happiness, joy, hope, expectancy, the fortified feeling to my heart, you made me sensational and soft, you dug my heart and placed a real true. Everyday I ask god what did I do to him to bless me with you, you’re a boon. Your words escort me wherever I go, your existence avert me from falling apart during my hardest and roughest days, you’re the head of prospect and motivation that I have at this time. Ultimately I want you to know that I’ll fight to be with you and love you forever Claudia, love of my life🌈♥️👉🏻👈🏻🥺
I’m kind of sad, you know. I feel trapped and I have this incalculably massive feeling of not belonging. I don’t feel like I have a home. This house doesn’t feel like home, but neither have any of the other 16 houses I’ve lived in. This state doesn’t feel like home, and neither do any of the other 43 states I’ve been to. I’ve moved and moved and moved and nowhere was right. Nowhere I go or stay feels like home. They all just feel like a house or a place to stay for a little while. So consequently I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. It’s a very lonely feeling.
I kind of relate to that thought - I feel like I’m destined to be alone forever. And I’m not saying that dramatically or like “woe is me” or anything. I just genuinely feel like I’m going to inevitably be alone. And I don’t want that, but I feel like it’s sort of my inescapable destiny or whatever. Yes, I might be able to date someone here and there but it’s never going to last and I don’t want to be a heartbreaker. It’s always going to end and then I’ll be alone again and I feel like that’s going to be an unbreakable cycle for me no matter how hard I try to find someone to be with forever. I’m just going to end up being alone.
The problem with wondering if you’ve made the right choice, if there could have been another choice, is that you’ll never know, will you?
This makes me think: as a TCK am I condemned to a life of running, forging ahead or dodging these questions by just moving, again and again until I forget what the question even was in the first place? Until I’ve tried every place, every life, every choice?
So i needed to send something very important to a government related thing, otherwise i am rather screwed financially, i did get proof i sent it there, this was a few days ago on the Tuesday 20th of October (it is currently Friday the 23rd), however i just noticed the dude who handled the letter, n9t only did he not write down the PIP part of the building name but, and i admit some personal fault with this as i do get told my 9’s look like 4’s, but yes, he got the postcode completely wrong and wrote down a postcode that doesn’t actually exist
Do you think, if a person looks at it, it will still get to where it needs to get to, or am i kinda screwed right now? As like i said this letter is highly important
It does have the buildings full name on the letter, however there was no return address, and i won’t know if they’ve recieved it until i either see money has came through or if it hasn’t, i dunno how long it’ll take these people to process it even if it does go through so i coupd be waiting a while, i just, yeah, don’t really have the finances i need to last me that long, so if i need to restart this entire process i am in a bit of a spot of bother
That’s why i just need to know if it will still go through even if the person wrote down the wrong postcode?
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sono passati due anni e qualche mese da quando ti ho conosciuto. E’ inutile dirti che ti ho ancora in testa; d’altronde non starei scrivendo questa lettera se non fosse così. Anche se non avrò mai il coraggio di mandartela, la scrivo comunque, per me stessa.
Ci sono cose che vorrei dirti, altre che vorrei sapere, ma non voglio ricontattarti. Non voglio riportarti indietro se sei riuscito a dimenticarmi e ad andare avanti.
Vorrei sapere come stai, se la cicatrice dell’operazione è guarita del tutto e se finalmente sei riuscito ad ottenere quel corpo che tanto volevi, nonostante io continuassi a dirti che per me eri bello sempre e comunque.
Vorrei sapere se ora mangi e ti prendi cura di te stesso come avevi iniziato a fare quando eri con me.
Vorrei sapere se sei felice, se hai trovato un’altra persona che ti possa dare quello che io non sono riuscita a darti, che ti faccia provare quello che con me non provavi.
Tutto questo perché tu per me sei stato, sei ancora e sarai sempre importante, a prescindere da come sono andate le cose tra noi. Ti voglio bene e te ne vorrò sempre, per questo mi preoccupo ancora per te, per questo ogni tanto ti ho scritto per sapere come stavi.
Mi sarebbe piaciuto sentirti ogni tanto senza starci male, senza sentire troppo la tua mancanza, e soprattutto senza farti stare male. Quando ho capito che invece scriverti faceva male ad entrambi, ho lasciato perdere. Capisco quanto io ti abbia ferito chiedendoti di poterti rivedere per fare due chiacchiere e per vedere come te la passavi, capisco il disagio che hai provato. Sono stata egoista per l’ennesima volta, ho pensato a quanto magari avrebbe potuto far bene a me, senza considerare che effetti questo avrebbe avuto su di te.
Vorrei dirti che avevi ragione, su tutto quello che hai detto su di me quando ci siamo lasciati, cercando di farmelo capire più volte. L’ho capito, grazie alle tue parole ho capito che tipo di persona stavo diventando, e mi sono accorta di non voler essere affatto in quel modo.
Vorrei dirti che sono riuscita a cambiare, o almeno che ci sto provando.
Vorrei chiederti scusa per averti fatto sentire una merda dopo che ci siamo lasciati, non lo meritavi.
In fondo, non potevi restare con qualcuno che non eri sicuro di amare, non saresti stato davvero felice.
Vorrei sapere se puoi perdonare tutte le frecciatine che ti ho mandato, è stato un comportamento schifosamente infantile. Ero incazzata e soprattutto ferita, tanto ferita, e quando qualcuno mi fa del male cerco sempre di farlo soffrire allo stesso modo o anche peggio di quanto io stia soffrendo. Credo che il mio obiettivo fosse questo anche con te. Piano piano però ho capito perché le cose sono andate così; per il semplice fatto che non sarebbero potute andare diversamente. Chi volevamo prendere in giro? Quanto ancora avremmo potuto tirare avanti? Forse fino al mio diploma, ma non oltre. Come avremmo fatto se fossimo rimasti insieme, con te che venivi su solo dieci giorni al mese e io che ero fuori per l’università? Avremmo solo sofferto il doppio di quanto abbiamo sofferto lasciandoci.
Vorrei che tu potessi vedere con i tuoi occhi che sono cambiata, che sono più empatica con le persone, che riesco a darmi una regolata, che non faccio più soffrire nessuno.
Vorrei che vedessi che ora riesco davvero a mettere in pratica quello che mi dissi una volta: “non annullarti mai per gli altri”; ho smesso di correre dietro alle persone e fare di tutto pur di non impedirgli di uscire dalla mia vita.
L’unica persona con cui questo mi è ancora difficile sei tu. Non chiedermi perché, la cosa è totalmente irrazionale. So che non torneremo mai più insieme, so che non possiamo nemmeno vederci ogni tanto e parlare da amici, perché io e te semplicemente non siamo fatti per essere solo amici. Nonostante io sia consapevole di tutto questo, mi manchi; ci sono giorni in cui penso a quelle giornate passate a casa tua, e mi assale una nostalgia fortissima. Forse mi mancherai per sempre, chi lo sa. Se così fosse, sto ancora imparando a conviverci.
Vorrei sapere se anche io ogni tanto ti manco, se ogni tanto ripensi a quei giorni anche tu.
Vorrei sapere se anche tu, nonostante tutto, riesci a volermi ancora bene, se anche tu ci tieni a me, se anche io per te sono stata importante.
Insomma, vorrei sapere (e qui, lo so, sono di nuovo egoista), se una piccola parte di te continuerà a ricordarsi di me. Perché io no, non ti cancellerò mai dai miei ricordi. C’è un enorme affetto che non credo sia possibile far svanire.
Non posso dimenticarti perché è anche grazie a te se sono quella che sono oggi.
Tu mi hai salvata. Te l’avevo già scritto in una lettera che però ti ho fatto leggere, e che conservo ancora. Mi hai salvata da me stessa, mi hai ridato la vita, il coraggio e la grinta. In quella lettera ti avevo anche promesso che non mi sarei mai arresa, e così è stato. Ho continuato a lottare, dopo che tu mi hai ricordato come si facesse.
Grazie a te, per la prima volta sono riuscita davvero a lasciarmi andare, seguendo i miei sentimenti più profondi. Mi hai fatto capire davvero cosa sia l’amore.
Mi hai aiutata ad aprire le mie ali e a volare via, verso una nuova me, centomila volte più forte e migliore di prima.
Ti devo la mia libertà dalla paura (sai di cosa parlo), e per questo non credo che riuscirò mai ad andare del tutto avanti.
L’unica parola adatta per chiudere questa lettera è
Sii felice, ti vorrò sempre bene.
Yesterday i wrote a letter to the future me, i’m nervous 😳👉👈
I’m wishing the 2022 starts.
I love you. You are great just as you are and it is okay. It does not matter what time it is. It does nottttt. Please just learn just because you’re seriously interested. Don’t get stressed about things you cannot change. You will need this course for the next 4 years. So just make sure, you do your work the way you like it. Take time to take the correct notes and type them out. Maybe even try to learn in a different way than school is prescribing you to. I will never give up on you. I will always believe you can do anything. Live your life like Anne: not fearless, but always diving in head first, just because there is no better way than just going for it. No doing things half. Just do. Also listen to some music today and give yourself the time to sing a bit. Feel the emotions. “You broke me first” is such a powerful song. Just know that at this moment, I love you, I love me, I love music and I want to learn more about education. You can broaden your expertise and experience by studying this time. You are fully capable. Even if you just get 1 chapter done, I will be proud, or one page even. You learnt something today. And that’s all that matters. I love me. All of me. You are beautiful inside and out. Your brain is brilliant. The way you think is like no other. That is so powerful. I love you.
A letter I just wrote for myself to read tomorrow morning. I knew tomorrow was gonna be hard for me, so I just wanted to give myself this message. I love you.
this bothers me,
the fact of loving you I say.
I would like you to stay,
that we love each other completely
I loved you with all my strength
in depth, so that
is destroyed in the end.