She wondered why it was so easy for me to move on, to pretend like we never were, to pretend like she never existed it. But it wasn’t easy, and I didn’t forget, my heart was not callous. I just couldn’t express it knowing that I would lose her anyway. Its like saying how I felt made the pain more real, the loss more great. I hated the way I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking, how I swallowed my words and emotions. I hated the way I made you feel like you were not worth it. But what I hated the most was the fact that I was too weak to tell you it wasn’t true.
“You always thought
That I left myself open
But you didn’t know
I was already broken
I told myself
That it wouldn’t be so bad
But pulling away
You took everything I had”
“The pain of it all
The rise and the fall
I see it all
I find myself say
I want to get lost in you”
Love’s just a thing that others do.
- “Everything You’ve Ever Dreamed” (ARIANNE)
I can’t help but think that you were just playing with my feelings this whole time…
I no longer just want to be kissed. I want to be kissed by him.
Sometimes following your heart is not what’s gonna give you peace.
Friendship is a precious thing, do not give it to a toxic person who does not value it. It’s alright to ask for space or say ‘No’ to a friend when you’re not emotionally/mentally/physically comfortable with something. Your health matters, and you should value it, because a true friend would never make you feel ashamed of yourself or block you for asking for space and respecting your boundaries.
If a friend manipulates you, bullies you over your personal decisions and never compromises even though you’ve always accepted them for who they are, it’s better to let go of the toxicity instead of clinging on just because you’ve been together for years.
Everyone have flaws, and a true friend would accept them and love you for who you are on the inside.
There were nights that I had to remember you and the pain you caused, thinking it must have been my fault.
Every now and then, I’m reminded of your existence in my life along with the good but mostly the bad memories.
I hate how I have let things slide believing it’s worth it, that love can always be a motivation to to keep it going. That fucked me up. I believed in you so much, I poured parts of me in you and almost drained myself.
I realized today that I don’t hate you but I would not want to do it all over again with you if given a chance. I used to think before that it would be great and I’d do it all again. However now my love is fading and I’m beginning to accept our fate.
Acceptance was the only thing that kept me going, forgiving myself in the process.
What I did yesterday was to learn on forgiving someone. To train myself to let go. To be okay again with the reflection I see on the mirror they left broken in pieces.
Erik on Letting Go of a Painful Past
It’s so difficult to let go of past pain and trauma, and I know that on a very personal level, but Erik walks us through it.
I’ve changed houses, cities, even states
It drags behind, never far enough from sight,
Over the years it’s grown so large, I know not
how I can pretend it is a decent size anymore.
I tried a few years back to sort through it,
Lo and behold, I rediscovered some old haunts,
It ended up heavier than before, and there began
my weary attempts to live with it, make peace
I didn’t really have a plan, to be honest
I figured if I let it stay without ever feeding,
it would die a slow death eventually.. hopefully
But I learnt a valuable lesson about hunger then-
It makes one do wherever it takes to survive
That’s how we ended up one night last year
I was lonely, it was hungry, we stayed up all night
Until I had no more tears left to feed it, and
It had no more horrors left to remind me of.
But I learnt a valuable lesson about failure then-
It’s like when the game gives you a choice-
End it there, or spend a diamond to gain an extra life,
I worked for months pouring all my heart, strength
to fashion a diamond and reset the board.
Along the way I fed it scraps from my mending heart,
One eye out to keep my motivations hidden away,
Hungry to live the new life I so painstakingly made.
And that’s the tale of my journey here, at Newstart airport
“I’m really sorry for the inconvenience ma’am,
It seems your baggage has flown to.. Old Anxtrauma”
“That’s quite alright, I’m here to make a fresh start anyway”
So very true. I have recently learnt to let go of things I previously would have allowed to drag me down for years. It is so empowering and it feels like I am finally breaking free of shackles of not only this life but of my ancestors and past lives. Your higher self always knows when the energy isn’t right. Listen and let go without fear, as an act of self love ♥
Perfectionism: how to let go for good
I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think about you.
I know it’s like I don’t care that I just disappeared, but I do care about you and I always will.
I think I’m still in love with you, but not like before. I’m in love with the good times we had in the beginning. I regret the time I lost, and the time I took you for granted. I envy the special memories we could have made together.
I don’t dwell in the past but even though I have accepted the fact that this is all over I’m still hurting inside. I know that the only way to feel better is to endure this pain until it hurts no more. If I’m ever lucky enough to meet someone as special as you I will appreciate that person in my life as if I will lose her later that evening. If by some chance she sticks around for a lifetime, I can show how grateful I am to have her in my life.
Most days I think about you when I wake up and when I go to bed. I still haven’t got used to your absence. Every once in a while I find mentions, and traces of you. Like ghosts that haunt me. Lately, I’ve learned to turn it off and distract myself. Some days it’s not so easy. I don’t think I can hide it. Someone might ask me if I’m doing okay but I just fake a smile and go about my business. I’m not saying these things to make you feel sorry for me. I’m not even sure if you think about me anymore. As far as I know this is just a cathartic message into the universe to help me feel better. A message in a bottle to help me heal inside. Despite these feelings I’ve always respected you for how you let me go. You did what you had to do and I’m not mad.
My heart still hurts when I think about the night you left. However, I’m not the one to stand in your way towards your happiness. I’m sorry that you grew tired of me. All I hope is that you are loved the way you wanted to be loved.
I need to reduce my attachments and aversions. I believe it will lead to reduced expectations and increased appreciation of all things and people around me.
Sometimes we are meant to be with someone for a short period of time in order to learn some valuable lessons about ourselves. This can help us grow and be a better person for the next relationship. If you can’t be happy by yourself then, you will not be happy with anyone else. And no human is worth such adoration. I hope you are safe and well.
In my heart you never left.
I’ll let him and this feelings go. There’s no reason to stay anymore. It’s just give me a lot of pain if I hold on.
I’m so thankful that I’ve gotta spend my time with you, knowing and understand you. Never expect it will be like this. None of us know our future and we walked along the path till today. It’s time for me to decide. It’s for my own good, aye.
You’re the great thing happened in my life and thanks for that 💜
I remember being so obsessed with this one person who neglected me and who would stop talking to me that I was trying to get her to write a diary so that I could read it to know how they really felt about me. Like all I wanted was to know if this person really wanted to stay friends. I just got empty phrases like “yeah of course” without showing it. Fuck.
Fuck all this,
No matter how much you love them, you’ve got to put yourself first. Especially if your family is mentally unstable, some severe and others to varying degrees. There’s only so much you can give from a well running on empty. Distance can be a crucial and powerful tool for saving oneself.