I am tired of waking up. Going to work, try not let my co-workers step on my efforts, become the best there is. And even when I am PROVEN of being the best there is, I seem to be invisible to the ones in higher positions (and no I do not want a higher position, all I ask for is RECOGNITION). I am tired of going home to deal with a pressured family member, trying to understand her and push aside my own issues, but at the minimal misunderstanding I lose my cool (not like I have shit tons of ice in my mood). My brain feels about to combust, I am fire and all around me is GASOLINE. I try shutting down, but it sets off in my sleep, several nightmares, really horrible images. Shut off my friends (literally have absolutely NONE). Waking up is a real struggle, going to sleep knowing that a new day with same shit awaits is even worse. My health (in all aspects) is worsening every second that pases by. I've learnt to close myself and be as self destructive as possible and more. Is no good, that I am aware of, yet is the easiest for me. I make one single error and I am the worst, so I have given up on becoming better, I get no validation, never had, not from the people I want validation from. Each night I only wish to leave quietly, in my sleep or even disturbed by a nightmare, but yeah, just leave and stop being an issue for everyone that's around me. And yes, have tried to take my life away, MULTIPLE times, but I even seem to fail at that, so I have given up on that too.