“Your southern vowels and gospel hymn laughter, fell down on me like a gentle rain from Heaven. In the softness of your rub, I felt a healing touch, so strong it could cure any ailment. To stand in your light was a Baptismal Revelation. The floods of your Love could wash out my darkest demons, in an instant. Your quietest breath, exhaled against my skin, had to be Divine. It was always, always, always, Salvation.”
- Oh, To Be Loved By You.
#24
To stop the hurt
To stop the pain
To stop the chance of ever having my heart broken again
I ask, how do I avoid it?
What can I do?
The answer is complicated, but i’ll have to follow through
I’ll going to miss out on the fortune it would be to love you
When there was we
but now there is only me
-A.D. (pensivepoems)
My first love was fleeting
A barely there moment for me to grasp with slippery fingers that could never quite hold on to it for very long before it inevitably dissapeared and instead I was left with nothing but memories of a time when I could safely call it mine.
My second love was like a wave, it grew into something larger than life and awe inspiring- something that took my breath away with just one touch.
It was intoxicating,
And when I rode on that high just right it was the most exhilarating experience.
But then I slipped,
and fell,
and drowned,
and never saw it again,
Forever trapped beneath the very thing which I had once thought to be my everything,
fighting,
gasping for breath.
Never quite able to catch myself.
And even if I had stayed on that wave, I knew that it would eventually die, for I knew that nothing so bright could ever truly be mine.
Such as my third love, whom, in mercy, brought me back to shore -safe- but once again on my own, the wave safely returning to where it had once been,
and leaving me with nothing but the hope that it would soon come again.
And my fourth love wrecked havoc.
It was a storm.
Fierce, raging, it swept through my life and took everything in its path,
leaving me defenseless
and hallow,
leaving me bared to all the world
with nothing to call my own,
leaving me wishing for a reprise, and knowing that even when it did come, it would leave me just as quickly, and I would be swept back up into its chaotic beauty.
My fifth love, oh my fifth love, was all consuming. It swept me up and held me close and refused to let go even when I gave it every reason to.
This love which twisted and turned and bent itself a million different ways, and at certain intervals I was sure it would break.
This love that left me open, that allowed nothing else.
.
.
.
And my sixth love, was a fire.
It burnt if I got too close,
but I grew to crave its warmth.
I had another dream. Usually nightmares entail but last night was neither strange nor sad.
Not to say my mind didn’t shatter. Every time I drift I can feel my consciousness slipping unwillingly into an uncontrollable state. So much so sleep comes rarely.
But last night I did sleep. Last night my mind found a space far beneath the surface.
Last night I dreamt about you in a way I that I stopped feeling everything else.
It was like my mind had stripped all the toxicity away and left me with a new image.
Last night I felt the sun turn yellow.
Last night the meadows up north had warm winds.
Last night the flowers had colors.
Last night you fell into the same song.
You fell into everything I fell into.
And last night
I think I really did love you.
I make a trip to the city, the way station my home.
To Paris, Athens and Hydra, all warring for my love.
Hour upon the hour, circling; journeying from one to the other.
To Shela, summoning from the kitchen. Lisbon, from the hall.
NANA
Coming down from another day
of the Apocalypse. Yesterday
was the end of the world. Tomorrow
we will take a walk along the park.
Grape vines, purple paint weaved
in and out of the grey metal fence.
Today is the hollow day in between.
The only noise comes from dead plants
brushing up against abandoned places
in the wind. The coming down day.
The sun has more dark paint in it,
more headache than usual.
Yesterday the body was soft, moving
as if in an atomic blast… today the body
is more like a statue, painted in place,
coming down… tomorrow the body
will be fresh again… lively red
springtime glass of end times wine.
I shouldn’t need weedto make me want to liveto make me happy.
to make me alive enough to live
But Bernie’s gonna lose
and I don’t have a job
and I do have rent to pay
and I always feel like I’m taking up too much spacedoing everything wrong.
I shouldn’t need youto make me want to liveto make me happy.
to make me alive enough to live
But my god, look at you
walking back from consoling
a stranger on the sidewalk
because you couldn’t not.
And my god, listen to you
fervently explaining a point
fire in your eyes
suddenly distracted
by the flowers in mine.
And I’m starting to love youI fucking love you.
And my god, I hope
I’m doing this right.
k.g. ¾/20
Dread was the earliest morning;
The trading oneiric realms
For the reality of
Existence;
The
Ache of living
Penetrating my brain.
Always the same, always:
"I want to die.“
First thought of the day.
On
And
On
In an
Endless me
Telling myself to shut up and go
Back to oneiric realms
Back to sleep.
Not to spin
‘Round
And
‘Round
In the black sludge of thoughts,
Spiraling down an emotional
Sewage drain, like
Toxic waste.
And
It would take
Hours to shake off the clutching
Claws of Death, draggin’
And that voice in my
Head, naggin’:
"Why can’t you just be o k a y ?”
Nowadays, I think maybe I can be.
Certainly now it is a lot easier
To trade oneiric realms
For the reality of
Existence.
Waking up, half conscious,
Basking in the soulful comprehension
There is the dream girl, longing
To be part of real life’s
Flowing future.
—
5-4-2020, M.A. Tempels © “… the dreamer is a fool. nonetheless, a happy fool. and so I dream.”
Let’s slow down this kiss and see how it accelerates everything else; dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. The pulse quickens, heart pounding, feeling light headed. What an amazing high.
“Con lei foss'io da che si parte il sole,
e non ci vedess'altri che le stelle,
sol una notte, e mai non fosse l'alba.”
- Canzoniere, Francesco Petrarca
Forever. That`s how long you told me you`ll love me.
I`m here standing at your doorstep asking,
Why did that forever end so soon?
What happened to the promise of always being there?
The memories seem like they happened yesterday,
But you feel so distant, light years away
I look up at your window, only to see the blinds shut and the lights off
You locked me out sooner than I had realised
You ended us in the blink of an eye
You should`ve at least said goodbye
Was it ever real?
Was your love for me just a story you brewed?
Was I ever yours and you were mine?
You`ve left me here standing in the cold,
You, the missing piece in my puzzle,
I`m left here alone and my puzzle incomplete.
Stargazer
“The rain kept falling like I fell for you, slow and quiet and then, all at once it was an downpour.”
