#it wouldn't be as grandiose i imagine #but maybe a blade in that shape or something idk #idk how to do it and not have it be dumb so #ill probably go with the regular blade but still #it's good imagery

#the pink is maybe aggressive #rebeccaspeaks

#they never learn #why dont you read a book and maybe you'll calm down

#lxcposting#lan xichen #im not sure where to find fandom friends???? #I have like 1 mdzs friend and we were friends before mdzs #maybe I should make a server or smth?? #but also servers scary #HM#mdzs

#original content #so. busy. today. #just miserably busy and not enough of anything #and my jaw hurts #i think maybe i was grinding my teeth last night??? fROM STRESS #about how this day would go!! #and it went: bad #well no one died. so not that bad. #but not good #and not pleasant #and guess what?? i have to come BACK tomorrow!!! #legally!!! they want me to be here!!!! #AGAIN

#the most line of all time. i make this my discord status 70% of the time & i almost got kicked from a warrior cats rp server bc of it lol <3 #anyway #yeah i did draw more hlvrai. a little. but im done now i think lol #ill post them tomrrow. maybe. but theres def a few things ill only post to insta lol #rant#dl#wip#my art

#YOU SEE WHAT THE FUCK I MEAN #HOW DID I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO BE THIS UNADULTERATEDLY CRINGE #is this still me or am i already miserable? i just really don't want to go back to being a people pleaser #it sounds so fucking stupid but id wake up everyday knowing that was how i was with him and just fucking cry dude i wasn't myself i didn't #even know myself anymore every word I'd type I'd overthink the fuck out because when I'd be by rowdy fun loving self he'd hate me for it an #i thought that was the sacrifice i had to make that everyone gives something in a relationship i don't know the ground works of any fucking #relationship all ive seen are the bads so i thought maybe it was unpreventable that I'd just morph into the person he loves someday and i #wouldn't feel so shit about it then but it's different now i have something now that i didn't have back then #it really in all honesty feels like my heart and brain have been genetically modified and i really like that analogy it fits the sock #I've rambled to hours on end of the weirdest things that reach my mind and have received the same but cooler back and I've never felt that #way about anything it feels like i really know someone and they know me and that's not frightening to me its really safe feeling you know? #i just feel like I'll be dumb and mess everything up but then i get the feeling that that's probably not the deal here and probably never #was i just have this dumb double standard for myself that stops me from telling them that I'm really not feeling well and am probably going #to wind up accidentally ghosting him and that's why i go on tumblr to vent my dumb little heart out because I'm too scared to get out of th #dumb dumb idiot babey shell im in to learn how to fucking communicate because people deserve that much no- HE deserves that much #FUCK FUCK UHHH WINDING THIS UP WITH A LESSON I GUESS BYEE LEARN FROM ME I'M DEFINITELY NOT YOUR GUY'S ROLE MODEL #DON'T BE LIKE ME AND ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE INSTEAD OF HURTING THEM YOU MIGHT NOT FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE IT IN YOU BUT #YOU HAVE AND YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD IT YOU WERE JUST TOO BUSY BEING MORPHED BY EVERYONE'S EXPECTATIONS AROUND YOU TO ACTUALLY MAKE YOUR OWN FOR #YOURSELF!!!!! #HOW DO I KEEP FUCKING THIS UP IN EVERY POST VENT TW

#maybe don’t avoid your own hobbies next time #(having a blast drawing this exo tho) #talk tag

#sp.txt #i sent something on discord abt it but maybe ill take screenshots and show just how full of love i am

#😥😢😢😢😢 #I'm... maybe a coward when it comes to protecting myself #ask game #bb deia perguntou🥺🥺🥺❤️

#because hes GENUINELY INTERESTED but idk if i explainedjojo well wenough to him auhghughgghgh #maybe i could force my sister to watch it too that way it will be less awkward i sound like a socially awkward loser AND I AM SURE BUT LIST #LISTEN

#it's so fucking long so i wouldn't finish it anyway but hmmm.... #the jerver's planning on watching beyond sometime this week i think so....hmmm.... #that or maybe ill watch jupiter ascending again alsdfkasfd

#maybe.... just one more time... #manuel's bullshit

#and am doing so badly. #like. i haven’t sh in almost nine months but like. #am seriously this close. #i mean if anyone reads this don’t like worry or anything I’m not gonna do it bc I’d have to get out of bed. #but i feel like such a failure. #and now i can’t graduate in spring bc this is gonna add another semester. #and if i don’t do good on those essays tomorrow it may end up being two failed classes. #i havent been able to cry in like a month and a half but like I’m so overwhelmed i cried watching #the crappy 2019 little women adaptation today. #and like ik i was legit trying to pass but couldn’t bc of severe depression and stress #due to my work situation ending and the stress of moving and the overwhelming fear of having to be financially independent #and my abusive parents and living in constant fear and the complex emotions of starting to come out to people and deal with drs #and so much other crap #but i still feel like a failure and a piece of crap #like my brains going lol maybe ur ex was right and you are a piece of shit #and I’m like huh ya know that doesn’t feel so far off rn #especially bc instead of writing the paper due in 45 minutes I’m about to go to bed and hope she accepts it late so I don’t fail #bc there is no chance I can write it in this head space #but fuck man #i just feel so shitty #and ik if I tell my friends they will tell me that I’m not a failure and it’s not the end of the world and it will be ok #but that won’t change the fact that I still feel like a failure rn and that if I wasn’t so worthless I wouldn’t have failed #:( #cw self harm mention

#maybe ill take a video of it l8r some time becasue i dont think pictures do it justice. #moth talk

#i feel weird like . talking abt this here but also i need to vent and i cant w/o triggering my irls #i hate where im at rn lkke mentally i am not . well and i know this but also i feel like its really not bad enough for me to complain #or for me to get proper help . #my bmi isnt low enough and im not solely starving myself and im stuck in this cycle of anorexia and bulimia but like . it could be worse #i dunno like yes im struggling but i feel like i need something horrible to happen before i feel worthy of any type of recovery #also i feel like even if i did. like . get help .. i would relapse proportionately to how long i would have spent attempting to get better #and that no matter what id be miserable #damn this is a lot for a saturday night on tumblr dot com #i have friends over tomorrow so i have to pretend like everythings good and great lol cant wait . maybe ill actually have fun . maybe #ed ment

#kinda freaking out about it #but im trying to convince myself that its ok #and that ill still be able to enroll #maybe#pls#c talks

#sif says #hang on maybe I'll write some sappy melancholic bullshit

#misc. #or maybe frankie AND javi #but if i did that i’d be breaking a lot of our hearts including my own

#my art#art#illustration#fanart#painting#digital painting #phantom of the opera #the phantom of the opera #poto #i have a very serious problem #that should be treated by a professional #but i’m going to treat myself by meticulously painting every fruit on that fucking table #good news is though #i’ve found that painting as a warmup helps me a lot #maybe next time i can paint something other than phantom