theres always something missing when i look at my body. wheter is the gender or body dysphoria, the ed trying to eat my mind and body, the desesperation to be more tall or thin, to hate my body, its sex and well, existence.
it eats my head every single day but id rather not talk about it. i know how it triggers me so i wouldnt want that for others and i never find the right place to express it. theres some brief moments where im doing exercise and i feel good in my body, until i just hate it again. still trying to figure it out. i say this everytime i talk about it but thats the only thing i want, i want to heal, i dont want to avoid myself. i want to convince myself that im able to do it.
1Current vibe: my favorite tree in Primrose Hill, the perfect breeze, “California Dreaming” by the Mama’s and Papas came on at just the right moment, being a bit homesick but like in that good way(????), enough ambient noise to be interesting but not overwhelming,the perfect high, and it feels like home
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some kind of selfie to let you know I’m still alive. Hope you all are doing well 🍑🧡
3sunflower, my eyes
how is it possible to feel so much hope and so much despair in the same breath?
is it that fair? is that wrong?
i don’t know. all i know is that it’s complicated and convoluted and my emotions can’t seem to settle themselves.
rationality left a long time ago; perhaps (even likely) the moment i said i love you with a complete awareness of the statement’s potential consequences was the last time i practiced this.
that’s the thing - it’s never been about being patient or rational or conventional. if it was, there wouldn’t be an us; if our backwards path is the only path that led me to you, i’ll take it.
so maybe the internal contradiction thst is my entire existence right now is okay; maybe it, like the rest of us, simply reflects what love can be when it’s real - uncomfortable as hell but worth it nonetheless.
i don’t know how to be what you need, but i know i want to. here’s to hoping that my desire for this growth is (for once in my goddamn life) enough to sustain you.
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