Something I didn’t realise for a long time is how much ableism, Christianity, my fucked up family comes together to fuck with my mental health.
Even though I know I am doing my best. Even though I know I have no control over how much pain I’m in on a day to day basis. Even though my family* has made it clear I am not useless or unwanted or a burden
*edit. Family in the first paragraph meant my parents. Family in this paragraph means my husband, his folks, and our kid
My brain still takes my pain as evidence that I am a useless burden on my family who doesn’t deserve to exist.
I’m not even talking about worrying that people think I’m faking or “it’s not that bad”
I’m talking about in my brain my pain=me being a bad person
Some part of me is still convinced I deserve this. That I’m in pain because I am fundamentally bad. That this is a punishment I deserve.
That is obviously false. Logically I know I didn’t do anything and there isn’t a power out there punishing me.
I just am sick. That happens even to good people.
I don’t think I’m overwhelmingly good but I’m not bad or evil either. I’m a fairly chaotic neutral edging into chaotic good person. And it’s okay to just be a person who does their best.
I know this but whenever my pain flares my brain whispers about how I deserve the pain because I am a bad person. The evidence my brain produces when asked is weak as shit. It’s all “remember this time you were awkward in 8th grade?”
Everyone was awkward in 8th grade!
But it’s still insidious and all the time whenever I have a flare.
Ableism plays a factor obviously
Christianity playing into was because I heard a lot from of a particular flavour of Christians who preach that exact rhetoric growing up. That bad things only happen to bad people.
Not the church I went to but if you go to school with people who believe that you get influenced.
My shitty family was…well if your parents get mad at you enough for expressing pain or being ill enough and praise you for hiding it…. Well you learn bad lessons
That’s not even getting into the times I was I called a liar about being in pain.
I had the wore far sighted glasses despite being very nearsighted for 3 years because my parents didn’t believe me when I said I could see better without my glasses and that they gave me headaches.
(btw that was because I had a shitty eye doctor who did that deliberately and lied to my parents and when confronted said my nearsightedness was because I was allowed to read despite being a girl.)
This is very long and rambling but I’m tired of my brain blaming myself for being in pain. As if it’s a moral failing. And I’m angry at the people who put this in my head
My dad made me cancel my meds appointment so I’ve been 3 days without them. I’m to depressed to even kill myself… It’s either this or living in my moms shithole hoarder house. I dont know which I prefer
Tw: medical neglect. Child abuse. Child neglect.
So I remeber several times when I was a kid I used to get terrible terrible headaches. Chronic migraines ran in my family and thats what I assumed I had (even though my parents never took me to the doctor) but years lster I would learn they were resilts of being dangerously dehydrated. Largely due to the fact. My parents only bought soda that only they were allowed to drink, we had well water in our taps that was unsafe to drink (or even cook with for that matter) and the only fluids I regularly got was those tiny milk cartons once a day on weeksdays at school.
But there are two very specific memories that I have reguarding the headaches and sickness I would get.
The first main one was when i was in fifth grade. I woke up super sick one morning. So sick I was seeing double, I had a temp of over 102, was so dizzy I couldnt stand without support, throwing everything that got passed my lips. I wake my mom up after I made sure my brother and sister caught there bus (because tthere busses left before my and it was my job to get all siblings up and ready for school while my parents slept). I told her I was really sick and needed to go to a doctor. She told me I was lying and sent me to walk to the bus stop. I got about a quarter of the way to the bus stop and fainted. I remeber fir three days after that I was delusional, feverish, and throwing up everything that made it past my lipz. They never took me to the docotr.
The second one I was around the same age and I was once again in charge of making sure my siblings made it to the busstop. But I was so dizzy I was curled up into a ball in the hallway feeling like I was going to vomit. I had only been able to walk maybe 12 feet beforw collapsing on the floor. My vision doibling any time I even move my head up and down. My mother (who my siblings woke up because I wouldnt walk them to the bus stop) was yelling at me because I was being a lazy crybaby. (Remeber my mother has chronic migraines and she was sayong this while I was telling her my head felt like it would explode). She eventually sent me back to my room to sleep until i needed to wake up for school. I. ended up back into my room before throwing up and fainting.
my informing my nurse i have been trying to seek therapy for Very Serious Problems for years (mentioning my several months long memory lapses in the process), and that the scheduling of therapy appointments for me have not been Seriously Attempted, Ever, By Anyone despite my numerous attempts to seek help in the past 3 years: this is fine :)
me realizing only months later that it could have been the perfect time for her to ask if i wanted to speak or had spoken to a counselor or on-campus therapist, yet she didn’t: this is f i n e :))
i understand. my mom had to work late that night. but my fucking shitty biodad had no excuse. you hit my brother when he tried to tell you i was bleeding from the head, because you weren’t fucking watching us. my mom came home at 1 am to me with blood caked in my hair because you couldn’t fucking listen to your children. and you fucking wonder why i never want to talk or hang out with you. you have some real fucking nerve, assholee.
when I was 11 I had my first dizzy episode and my mom was drunk and didn’t give a fuck and now at 18 I found out it’s because I have a heart defect that nearly killed me and she tells people that we thought it was my eyesight when I didn’t need glasses until I was 14 fuck you you fucking liar you’ve never been there for me I’m moving out in a few months for college and I am never coming back to this fucking hole
Once my dad almost let me die on my grandmother’s bathroom floor because he refused to believe I had asthma lol
There’s a medication I’ve used multiple times which always:
This wonder drug?
Which is completely legal where I am.
However, the doctors would rather prescribe opioids, which don’t work as well, while also basically berating me for taking opioids, while also refusing to prescribe a reasonable amount.
If they’re going to refuse to recommend what actually works, they could at least not be ableist assholes about it!
Doctors gatekeeping healthcare is dangerous as fuck.
I’ve been trying to get diagnosed with seizures for over six months.
For whatever reason (probably my mental health diagnoses) neurologist after neurologist keeps writing my “episodes” off as “not seizures.”
Yesterday I almost got hit by a car after I had a seizure in the middle of a major intersection. I was carrying glass jars, and narrowly missed cutting my face open on them when I fell into the pile of broken glass on the ground.
Of course, I have no real recourse other than making yet another formal complaint and making yet another new appointment at yet another new neurologist.
Yesterday I almost got hit by several cars after I blacked out having a seizure crossing the street.
But please tell me more about how my episodes aren’t “typical of seizures”, because I’m “fully conscious and able to speak the entire time.” Dr. Know it all at MGH
Which is not what I said when I was describing my seizures. At all. But I was his last appointment of the day and he just wanted to go home.
Alright, so I’m keeping a running tally of shitty things that happen in the ER this 12/30/19:
I’m fbdjdi we’re havin a drink with my neighbour and we were talking abt eye contact n shit, he was saying how when he was a baby if someone looked at him he’d turn his head like 180° the other way and my sibling was like to me “lol I remember you did that as well since you were a baby” like I’m laughing fuck my parents I really was just out here as a baby showing stereotype autism signs and my ma was like nooo he hasn’t been vaccinated it’s impossibleeee
What the literal fuck is this nonsense? Who let this bitch practice medicine? Did anyone think to suggest putting some fucking medical evidence in this piece?