someone: “how’s life going?”
me: *hasn’t slept in 3 days, forgot to take my pills and lives only on caffeine*
4Look at you you’re pathetic
And it’s not the first time I’ve said it
Dwelling on the past as it eats you up inside
It’s like you don’t even want to be dignified
You’re just wasting away
Lying on the floor in dismay
Is this the man you want everyone to see
Living life so recklessly
What are you doing
You have a future worth pursuing
So Stand up and fight
There’s an end in sight
-Prodigal Son
1There’s a strange power in giving in to the darkest parts of yourself. For so long I was fighting to be better - to eat more, to live more, to keep myself safe. I was fighting everything in me to be something else. Someone healthier. I’m not recovered. I’m a broken mess, but somehow this feels right. The darkness feels like home. I have control over my pain and over my death when I inflict it. There’s a strange kind of power in owning my pain.
6Przez chwilę myślałam, że może to Ty jesteś tym z którym choć przez chwilę będę dzieliła życie, ale Ty nawet na kawę wyjść ze mną nie chcesz a co dopiero w związki się pakować.
2last week I went to Vienna with school and it’s crazy to think that my really first thought was that I wouldn’t be able to binge while there
I’m so fucked up…
1Fairytale
I wish my life was like a fairytale.
Where magic is real and love always wins.
Where the evil doers get what they deserve.
The hard working folks with good hearts are hailed as heroes.
Where the world looks so beautiful,
And you can always hear a happy tune.
You feel so warm and cozy with these words:
“And so they lived, happily ever after.”
But my favorite part?
The part I wish was just like my life?
The part where none of it is real.
That it’s just a tale.
It never happened.
2Am I relapsing or is it just a temporary hormonal imbalance caused by my periods? We will never know.
2i met you again today
for the first time
since may
you sat in my chest
with the identical
solemn expression
for you do not care
about my wellbeing
it is your life’s purpose
to wreck my mind
you would not blink
if his blood dripped
from my canines
innocent or guilty
you will not decide
convicted, you screamed
of what
we did not know
leave it up to me
to put all the blame
on a part of my soul
i do not own
a victim in the flesh
you two rested your head
on the graveyard
within my heart
flowers, he suggested
fire, you replied
once again,
he agreed
perhaps that is why
i choked on air
when you reared
your twisted head
the sky is no longer blue
it was filled with tears
and the stench
of longing
the aroma of a clean office
within the hell he owned
the sound of computer keys
never drowned out
the whispers of him and i
but how could they
when you were beside me
the entire time
placing your sadistic hand
on my scabbed knee
his siren song
your lullaby
find the humanity
to let me go
1I told my parents that my (maybe over 20 year old, or even older) matress has a lot of mold on it and they didn’t care at all. That actually didn’t surprise me, but a part of me was still hoping that maybe they would at least care when it could affect my health ( because they also don’t give a sh*t about my mental health), but yeah, that’s not happening. I guess I’ll sleep on a very moldy matress until the stench of it becomes unbearable or I’ll have to sleep on the floor. It doesn’t even matter how I decide, I’m going to end up sick anyway and nobody of them will care, as usual. Can somebody kinda relate? Idk, I just feel really sad because I have nobody to go to. Actually, I don’t even think this could start a conversation, but that’s also fine, honestly.
02-23-20
Apparently my anxiety got so bad that it was causing me physical problems to my health.
My anxiety had gotten to a point where I was having multiple panic attacks a day and was suffering pretty badly. It ended up getting so bad that I stopped being able to breathe properly for a while and was getting chest pains which may or may not be related. We are waiting to see. My doctor immediately tried to prescribe an antidepressant to which my parents declined which I am okay with for right now. We are going to try to take care of it and get me some help. Maybe my debilitating anxiety will be managed for the first time in years. I guess we will see in the future.
3
