Feeling and thought of not gaining all the information from studying pierces my brain, and it’s unbearable. I am so exhausted, anxious, and depressed that I can’t concentrate; I am always in a rush. Working full-time, studying part-time, dealing with myself, and everyday life pulls me down. I am anxious because I am not motivated, and I am not motivated because I am depressed and anxious. I always wanted to study and gain in-depth knowledge because I was always fascinated and galvanized by brilliant people and still am, but I never had the chance when I was a kid or teenager. (though intelligence is inherited, I believe that education expands it and allows its full potential.) So, when I first enrolled in school to get a degree, I was motivated and thought the process would be as I imagined, but no! I never have time to think and go deep in what I study; it feels like I am only taking classes to get a grade and graduate soon; it feels like I am in a rat race. Also, I observed that most of the students are okay with this system, which is sad. Oh, I always complain on Tumblr, but it feels the only place where putting my thoughts out feels safe and nonjudgemental 🧠
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I preached many times about you freeing me and letting me go, because in theory that would be a relief. so now that you have released me and let me go, I feel a pain in my chest that I cannot explain. it will be if it is true that the heart falls in love with that which poisons it !? because I know that this is the remedy for all of our history, but that little hope of still having you by my side was my daily sustenance, now you are gone and I have to learn to live with hopelessness.
3i wanna die so bad, and i don’t even know how to do it, somebody just help me and tell me how, i don’t wanna be here anymore
0I know this blog isn’t for my personal issues, but I really want to rant about this boy and how he played me… so just skip if you don’t want to read :)
So I met this guy through a club we both do, we were really shy and awkward in the beginning, and it took me like a month to ask for his number. So we started texting and everything was dandy, and we started dating, then it was the Christmas holidays and he ghosted me ( I found out that in this time he got himself a new girlfriend) so then in February we go back to the club, but don’t talk, cause it’s weird… then last week he texts me and asks to do friends with benefits, and I considered it because I really liked having this boy in my life, he was funny and sweet. But ultimately I want someone who I can do couple stuff with, and he can’t give that to me, so I told him I couldn’t do it. I just think it’s really shitty to dump a girl, not talk to her for months, then ask to have sex on the side. Idk, sorry for ranting but it feels better to get it all out on the page. If anyone has any advice or similar situations I’m all ears 🙃
1My mental health is SHIT rn Bc I just saw a pic of the OT and really went “damn, Tarkin can get it.” EXCUSE ME MA’AM NO HE CANT
1I really love when people fucking throw pissy fits because I kindly point out something that fucks with my obsessive disorders and how they could fix them. Thanks. Cuz my social anxiety and depression totally doesn’t literally torture me enough.
0You know when you’re having a mental breakdown and an identity crisis but then god complex kicks in like wassup you sexy bitch we the shiiiiiit spin the world round ur fingers
0At someone’s mercy. Being completely at the mercy of oneself and one’s inner self is probably one of the worst states of being. It is like drowning in oneself. Water in the lungs instead of oxygen. Choking. Writhing. Gasping for breath. Too much inside. Too little on the outside.
„Do you ever feel at someone’s mercy?“
„Always. Every day. Every millisecond, whether I blink or not. I’m at my mercy. All to myself.“And I ran with the stars, danced with ants and listened to the sounds in the vacuum.
Human. What is a human being? Gender. What is a gender? Biological. Social. Human. Constructs.
And I ran with my hands, danced with stones and listened to the smell of the glue stick.
Who am I and what? When am I and when do I destroy? Playing and laughing, mocking and teasing. Cops and robbers, I don’t know who is who. Sometimes I am probably not even me.
And I ran with ghosts, danced in the tornado and listened to the winter solstice.„Do you ever feel at someone’s mercy?“
„Always. Every day. Every millisecond, whether I blink or not. I’m at my mercy. All to myself.“Cut me open and tell me what you see inside me. What you find, who and when. I think I’ve lost myself in me, never really found myself. Wracked by nightmares, fears and a barbed wire fence maze. Like an avalanche, buried behind the next corner you don’t know when it will come and in which direction. Was it even the one you were expecting?
Will you look for me if I don’t ask you to?
Will you not leave me alone when I least want you with me?
Will you hold me even when the skin is full of old and fresh wounds and the head is lost in the blur of fading?
Will you kiss me in the night of endless emptiness and say it’s okay? That you’re not leaving? That though I have to go through it alone, you are the ring on my finger? The lifeline I can always grab?
Will you still support me when I disappear and you almost go crazy looking for me?
Will you be able to tell me that it hurts you and that you are afraid and that I need help?
Will you give up responsibility when you feel you can’t carry it anymore?
You tell me … can I ask you to do that?„Do you ever feel at someone’s mercy?“
„Always. Every day. Every millisecond, whether I blink or not. I’m at my mercy. All to myself.“When and then, now and forever. Often the next morning already scares me.
You know the panic of having to go to bed and knowing you’ll wake up again?
Do you know the fear of the weekend and all the emptiness?
Do you know the fear of the new week and all the never-ending sensations?
Do you know the fear when the doorbell rings and you have to open it?
Do you know the fear when your phone rings and you want to answer it?
Do you know the fear when your smartphone flashes because a message has arrived?I breathe in, breathe out and forget what happens next. Stand in front of the mirror of myself and still can’t see me. Masquerade ball without moving features. Clowning. Victorian age, or steampunk after all? Futuristic.
I love masquerade balls as much as they terrify me.
Give me nightmares.3I have gotten to the point in my life where I’m eating frozen raspberries by the spoonful at 10pm and I’m okay with that.
1Don’t you know that I would die for you
If I knew that you would make it through?
‘Cause losing me is better than losing you0Every morning I wake up,
My chest feels tight and all I can do is cry.
Every morning hurts.
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This is what depression also looks like..
It’s not all anxiety attacks and crying..
Im exhausted but man do I know how to keep my composure while my life is completely falling apart 🙃
2I want someone that I can trust to be a baby to, because I’m tired of being a “strong adult”
61 week in I lost 2kgs but have put one back on over the weekend as I had a complete breakdown and all my healthy eating went out the window whilst I cried into my icecream. Fuck why am I like this…
1Why am I not allowed to get angry, but everyone is allowed to do things they know make me angry and then make excuses for AND invalidate my feelings?
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