My brother got upset because I didn’t eat dinner yesternight I told him I didnt know I had dinner made no one told me. He was like if you know we are eating that means we made you a plate too. I said I didnt know they were eating. I said I barely have an appetite when I do get hungry I eat immediately cuz if I wait too long it’ll fade away and last night I got hungry and had my usual instant soup noodles so that’s usually enough to keep me filled til the next day. I told him I dont go looking for food unless I’m hungry. I dont mean to waste food I would have ate it if they said something 🤷♀️ I hope he doesnt think I’m intentionally skipping meals because that would only be half true 😅 I also have very low appetite, that’s what makes restricting so easy for me..
12/5/20 12:52 am CST
i want to say that i’m feeling better these days.
my mind finally stays blank. i really hope this lasts.
and i’m really trying to learn to smile better. it’s good isn’t it?
although my sleep schedule is still terrible lol but at least it’s not full of nightmares and panic attacks.
“so you think it’s funny when people randomly play songs on your sad playlist and unintentionally trigger your depression causing you to spiral for the next 2 weeks?”
“yes, and I’m tired of pretending that it’s not”
I feel too much and nothing at all, like I’m floating away and falling hard. I’m hyperventilating and can’t can’t seem to get enough air.
I’m desperate for change, but o have no idea how to get there.
It really sucks when you experience your emotional and mental health slipping away.
Everything is fine, nothing is going on
Meanwhile your brain is working.
You try desperately to change the thought process, into positive energy for it to turn right around and you think “what a crock of shit”
So you go outside, soak up the sun, maybe even run a little and play with your dog, only for that smile to disintegrate as quickly as it came about.
So then distracting your brain with mindless games, movies, or social media seems to take place, only for it to not distract the brain, thoughts racing, wondering, screaming…
So you shower. The anticipation of being able to cry and let loose in peace.
Only to find a brick wall.
So you close your eyes and submerge your entire head underneath the shower. Holding your breath and plugging your ears because your mind…
It’s too fucking loud.
You are finally able to let go and cry after talking with your higher being.
Asking for help.
Asking for clarification.
Asking for strength.
You quickly become self aware, of feeling numb. Inside and outside. Realizing that you push people away because you have become convinced that no one can understand how exactly you are feeling. When you don’t even completely know yourself.
You think about how poorly you treat family, you start to feel shame about being annoyed by your family, by your friends. By yourself.
You think how easier it could be…
But then you stop.
Your mind flashes of all the possibilities of ending, as well with flashes of your family, your spouse, completely heartbroken at that fact that you are GONE.
So you stop, and take a deep breath and look in the mirror..
You notice your stomach growling. Pissed off because the only thing you could choke down today was coffee, and a string cheese as of 5PM.
Should I eat?
What’s the use?
I am just going to gain more weight any how. Distractions…
wenn ich so darüber nachdenke: Oft bin ich getrieben von einer Sehnsucht, einem Fernweh, einem etwas schwer definierbaren.
Ich möchte oft von jetzt auf gleich, alles hinter mir lassen und in ferne Länder reisen, dort vielleicht leben und stelle mir vor, dass es sicher besser sein würde als in Deutschland. Dieses Land hält mich hier nicht und ich fühle mich überhaupt nicht mit den Menschen hier verbunden, noch ihnen zugehörig.
Getrieben bin ich auch von meiner Lust. Lust nach neuem Essen, Lust nach anderen Kulturen, ausgelebte Lust mit der einen oder anderen Frau eines anderen Landes…
Gleichwohl bin ich hier gestrandet, kaum fähig mein normales Leben zu leben. Vielleicht ergibt sich ja in Zukunft etwas in der Art.
Doch versuche ich mir immer im Klaren darüber zu sein, dass zB die japanischen Frauen, die ich so anziehend finde, oftmals nur eine Illusion sind. Wie oft öffnen wir unsere sozialen Medien und lassen uns von Illusionen treiben, in der Hoffnung, es wäre das reale Leben…
Das deprimiert mich, denn dennoch hofft mein Innerstes darauf, dass dies eine Art reales leben darstellen könnte, obgleich es das nicht ist…
Wir machen uns meist nur etwas vor, um uns zu zerstreuen und um uns abzulenken, von dem was unser normales Leben ausmacht…
I’m moody, i’m depressed, i wanna hit my head against the wall,i’m wanna do hands-walk (of course i can’t) ,am i faking it?
breakfast: oats w bluebs,pb and some vitamin berry powder (260)
dinner: mandarine (50)
total: 310 cal
lolol im proud i somehow convinced my boyfies dad (he a cook) that Im not hungry for dinner:,,)) luckily i still got blow to push my appetite away yey
I hate apologizing for the fact that my brain does not process information the same way as other people like why am I apologizing for the way I was born lol
I want to drink myself to oblivion.
Okay, what kind of character arc am I going through right now?
Yesterday my girlfriend want me to take my Clonazepam early due to my agitated and anxious mood. I love her and i know she loves me back but she doesn’t understand me(her words).
Also she has a really low self esteem,and when i’m moody she thinks she did something"wrong" and i’m angry or whetever for what “she did”. How can i explained her that i get moody because air is FREE
my boss just told me about her depressed nephew and then told me “it always makes me happy seeing you though. its nice to see some young people are still stable and have their life under control”
hah. haha. ahahahahahah! I’m so glad to be making you happy though
Just woke up to an anxiety attack. Why am i like this???
has anyone else ever been triggered in a dream? i’ll give an example.
one time, around may, when my misophonia had gotten way worse than usual for no apparent reason, i had this dream. i dreamt that i was inside a gas station or small grocery store. and i was at the checkout area and this guy was chewing insanely loud. even in the dream, i felt panicked, angered, yk, all the usuals. even when i woke up i was still triggered the same way i would be by a sound in real life, and the sound kept replaying in my head. has anyone else experienced this or something similar? i’m curious.
I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely relaxed, calm or happy. That’s why death is so appealing.
Biittch! I just bought a food scale. Am I anorexia enough now?!?