I have this friend who is toxic but who I can’t seem to get away from. She’s controlling and always needs to know what I’m doing and with who and often if she finds out I hang with someone etc, she will start talking to them on Instagram or Snapchat - and that’s fine. She can have friends but she also goes after the boys I talk to and even goes as far as trying to break us up only for her to try and get with the same boy.
Anywho, the real issue is that she has no respect for me or my disorder. She knows I deal with anxiety with food and anorexia but she will always flaunt how much or little she’s eaten, often tries to force me to go to fast food restaurants and even going as far as interrupting me when talking about my health only to say that she’s going through that too - only that she has it worse. She even talks about how fat she feels even though she weighs a lot less than me, although she’s shorter. She so often tries to make me feel bad for ex. Working hard in school, not drinking, not doing drugs and also trying to meet new people. Especially that last point - that’s where she usually becomes mad at me and tries to play the victim so I’ll feel bad and isolate myself with her again.
How the heck do I get rid of her? We literally have the same schedule and classes.
I'm scared of teusday... why didn't they tell me what they think I have, and why did the wanna hospitalize me to begin with, but now they're not, they're just going to medicate me and not tell me what for before I even see a therapist im scared
Autism and Being a Grown-Up: Self-Analysing Self-Consciousness
If you have been diagnosed with autism or even had it suggested that you might be autistic, it is likely that you have heard something along the lines of “You’re too grown-up as a child” or “You’re too immature as an adult”. It’s also possible that you’ve even questioned your maturity independently and compared yourself to others. I know I have.
I think that subconsciously, the reason I constantly use black and white filters on myself is to appear more serious so it could be psycho-analyzed that I'm trying to appear more grown up than I am.
I’m twenty-two years of age and when I look in the mirror, I don’t look like I belong in the age bracket of people I went to school with at all. I don’t feel like I proper adult and I don’t really act like one either. What’s interesting there about that thought is that I have automatically assigned “being an adult” with all of these other things;- being able to drive, exercising regularly, having my own place or at least, a place with other people besides my own family. Whilst it is definitely true that social media and psycho-social pressures founded in television and advertising enforces this idea of what being an adult is, it’s definitely true that I didn’t have the same childhood that other people had.
When i was younger (6-12 especially), it was noticed by my parents that I seemed too keen on being clever and mature. I wanted to know the proper words for everything and longer and more complicated adjectives to describe things. I remember that they got me an educational game for the computer called My Amazing Human Body by DK Multimedia that I was obsessed with. It’s going to sound really stereotypically dorky but there was something thrilling about knowledge entering the brain. Finding out stuff wasn’t “fun” and I didn’t treat it like a “fun and edu-taining” piece of software, I played it all the time and wanted to memorize everything about it. When I Google and find screenshots of the game now, that seems ridiculous.
So when people my age talk about their childhood, I automatically go for either this or Spongebob Squarepants. I watched a lot of The Simpsons growing up but I remember spending even more time listening to the commentaries on watching the special features where staff would explain little tidbits about how the show is put together. That seem infinitely more interesting and engrossing to me. I can’t help but feel that neurotypical childhoods are sat watching more cartoons and taking part in more recreational activities because whenever I would be asked in secondary school if i’ve seen a certain popular show, I often would never have heard of it.
It could be said that it’s a form of masking that sometimes, I catch myself talking about shows that I’ve never seen. When I got to secondary school, overhearing chat about specific internet and TV culture became so engrained in my head that I would store it for the purpose of being able to hold up my end of a conversation. Obviously, I know what Billy and Mandy is now. The main result of this is that I don’t really identify with having a childhood. it’s just fuzzy. Now that I’m what you’d call a grown-up adult, I regret time spent growing up because I feel like I wasted a lot of it or that I didn’t enjoy what I had when I had it.
I believe that, as an autistic kid growing up, you aren’t really that interested in having fun because of how social it is. You resist the chemicals that are sent to your brain. Being a child is noisy and you want the quietness. Whereas now, you’re trying to get back to that place you never were to begin with. Obviously, it goes without saying that this isn’t true for everybody and by no means am I a qualified psychologist. I’m supposed to be an adult but I’ve got that niggling urge inside of me to just be silly and have fun and enjoy myself.
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Really, I have it better up in my head because I’m free to approach life how I want to because there’s nothing in my brain that goes off and says “I should be more grown-up”. Really, it’s a great shame that people lose their attachment to playfulness and I should be happy with the brain I’ve got.
I wrote a few days ago that I'm looking for people who want to share their BPD experience with me in my new book. I want to get the word out there on how difficult this disorder is to us. I want to help others know and show their 'special person' or friends, family members and give them something so they can express themselves since it's hard for us too.
I'm still looking for ANYONE who wishes to share with me since I had a few people inbox me when I first posted my idea, I'm even here to listen in general if you need help with anything. We will be okay!
love looking for legitimate information on my personality disorder and instead just being reminded that most people just want to vilify us 💕✨
#i found two books by a guy who actually has studied bpd and knows what he’s talking about #but all the other recommendations are like ~dEaLiNg WiTh An EmOtIoNaL aBuSeR~ #as if being mentally ill just automatically makes us monsters????? #bpd #borderline personality disorder
Bleep Bulimia Episode 51 Guest Speaks About Full Recovery
Bleep Bulimia Episode 51 Guest Speaks About Full Recovery
I am so honoured to have had this guest on my Podcast. This beautiful lady explained that it was the first time she’s gone public with her history of being a bulimic. She is fully recovered, yet says she still holds shame about having been at one time a “bulimic”.To me, her ability to speak so profoundly about it brought to mind my own feelings. I was quite open, even when bulimic,…
I realized at the end of the day when I get into bed and think over my day I judge wether it was successful or not based on what I ate. I’m incredibly obsessed with food and I don’t even realize it. And I rarely ever have a “good” day. In my ED brain a truly successful day would be eating absolutely nothing. Almost everything I eat I have a negative connotation with it unless it’s low cal or a vegetable. You know how most people have an adverse reaction to a food they happened to eat and get food poisoning from? Like, “oh I ate blue ice cream once and got food poisoning and now I can never stomach eating that same flavor of ice cream again.” For me it’s almost every single food. I’ve vomited up just about every food I’ve ever eaten my whole life. After over a decade of living with bulimia you’d think you would be numb to it but honest a lot of times I imagine how hard and awful it’s going to be to throw up the food before I even eat it. Maybe it’s a way to make myself eat less or maybe it’s because I truly am suffering from this disorder.. maybe both. Idk. I think that’s why I basically starve all day and only really eat in private at home when I’m alone and usually with wine. It numbs all the horrific feelings I have about food. But at the same time this is horribly unhealthy. I drink far too much for my health. And numbing myself to emotional pain of my ptsd and numbing myself to the adverse reaction I have to most all food is not okay. It’s weird trying to explain this to someone who’s never had an eating disorder or even likes food. I hate food. If science came up with a way to just take a pill every day that had the exact amount of nutrients and calories needed to keep you alive and healthy I would absolutely jump on that. I wish that was real. I just.. I can’t deal with this. I’m so fucked up. And broken. I can’t even be a normal human.
Hey guys! Sorry for not posting. Summer has been okay here, we did have a 2 week heatwave which was nice! I went on holidays with my bae and I went on a family trip to see relatives with my parents! Things have been okay, my ED hasn’t been the best but I’m back in recovery now so hoping things will get better! I’ve started dance again which is going amazing so far! AND I FINALLY STARTED COLLEGE! The first part of 2021 was bad but let’s hope the rest of the year is a good one!