to lose respect from someone you would do so much for has killed me.
internally, i’m not doing great. instagram doesn’t help. continuously i’ve deleted the app, and re-installed it because i know it helps with promoting myself. but time and time again, i find myself stuck in the tunnel of endlessly scrolling through instagram watching attractive, polished females flaunt their endless perfections.
i don’t see myself that way. many people have come up to me and complimented me. it’s so hard for me to accept what they’re saying, because i don’t hear them. i force a smile and say, “thank you, i appreciate that.” and don’t say anything else. i don’t even appreciate it. i feel so bad that i don’t, because they’re going out of their way to compliment me.
on a bad day, i stay in bed all day. today i did. in the morning, i told myself i would have a walk and go to the gym, then go to the library to work on things because i can’t in my bedroom. my bedroom is where i sleep and disable myself, but i couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. i just couldn’t. i lacked all the motivation to do that.
because of this, i’m falling behind. i have so much to do. for myself and for people. i feel like a disappointment to myself and to the people that need things from me. this failure has led me to believe i shouldn’t bother, because i’m not going to achieve it, anyway.
my living situation isn’t helping, either. i don’t have anyone to physically talk to here at home. the people i live with are much, much older and they don’t have anything in common with me. i live in a seperate part of the house. they don’t know anything about me, or anything about what i’m doing. they don’t understand it, and don’t bother to understand it.
i would love to wake up in the morning, go into the kitchen and say, “good morning!” and receive a “good morning, how was your sleep?”, back. a genuine interest in me and how i am. i would love to come back home and have dinner together at the dining table. i would love to play board games with them and smile, laugh, and connect. i would love to tell them how i have been, and about my personal life. surely, they have experienced the same feelings i have when they were younger. there has to be a connect somewhere.
i’m going to go to the doctor on wednesday morning and get my mental health checked out. i haven’t been in this state before. this year really fucked me up. i’ve never told a professional about my mental health before, and i’m a bit scared because i don’t know what’ll happen.
i’m hoping this will help.