I rally need to cry but my body won’t fucking do it.
I can’t even do sadness right
I rally need to cry but my body won’t fucking do it.
I can’t even do sadness right
you know your fucked when you start relating to the characters that are in the show to make you say “wow they’re so crazy”
I feel better these days .. I have hope . But this cakes with fear . That fear stops me . I know how good I can be and my potencial , how’s that not motivation enough to do the things I have to do? I need motivation…
Sometimes you realize you’re going in a direction you don’t want to go, so you have to recalibrate. That’s okay. Don’t keep going somewhere when you know it’s the wrong direction, just because you’ve come so far already.
Some advice from your friendly neighborhood dude who just had the most horrific experience with a “”“”“"mental illness”“”“” group and has been part of way too many tumblr sponsored mental illness groups and is thinking of starting one for a teen outreach this summer for at risk kids.
If you join a discord server for mental health support for people with trauma based disorders, here are some RED FLAGS
- if they try to tell you you’re not allowed to mention the word trauma because trauma is too triggering to say. This happened to me. I mentioned I had a trauma based disorder and someone was like “you better spoiler that word” uh buddy…. Maybe a discord chat isn’t where you should be doing self help then. Online free therapy is a thing….. This is not me shitting on triggers. This is me saying if you haven’t even hit a point where you can say the clinical word for what you’ve been through, peer support is not what you should be doing.
- instead of telling people privately “hey ____ upset me/ hurt me/ was not appropriate for this server or channel” the mods and other members do shit like attack you publicly and tell you that you act inappropriately when you’re in… You know… A place where people with trauma are and many people with trauma don’t always respond well under public pressure. One on one 99/100 times is better than a public confrontation for the vast majority of people.
- the blacklist reads like one of those parody DNIs. This is not a diss on unusual triggers. But this is a diss on people who are like “yeah, we will all be passive aggressive and such if in your intro you mention that you have an experience we don’t like”. This is also on the same note as the first one. If you have enough trauma that things that would either a) commonly come up in your group topic of choice (if u are a bunch of superhero fans who are also mentally ill etc) or b) common words or something else would disturb you so badly that you’re going to have a breakdown? Once again, maybe large servers of people aren’t for you, because when 25+ people who all have 25+ words to censor come together, that can mean a blacklist of 400+ words/phrases sometimes (25 to the power of 2 is 625 so this is not an exaggeration) and that is not practical in the long run. I’m not saying accommodations don’t matter, but I’m also saying caring for yourself is important, and maybe smaller groups or just one on one with close friends is a healthier option than a giant proverbial marketplace.
- the whole place is a ball of toxic positivity where people won’t talk about the real issue and are only passive aggressive in the name of trying to always be nice.
- no one is willing to acknowledge the danger in exclusively self diagnosing things like personality disorders. This is controversial, but personality disorders are tricky as hell. My BPD is comorbid with a lot. Same with my in progress ASPD diagnosis. It’s not something you read about online and just willy nilly decide you have because you relate too much to a character in a movie or because you are impulsive or have an issue with remorse etc. Autism, ADHD, anxiety, etc. Those are pretty cut and dry, yes, it’s pretty damn obvious if you have them. Self DX away. PDs? Not nearly as simple. I have 4 years of university of education and two and a half years of a career backing me as well as lived experience. Do NOT @ me on this.
- people swing around the terms like OSDD, DID, schizoaffective, schizotypal, schizophrenia, etc. like they’re the fun new hashtags. These are serious conditions. And while these are much easier to self dx as it’s pretty obvious if you have them (less so with schizoaffective and schizotypal as one is a hybrid of bipolar II and schizophrenia and the other is a PD with schizophrenic traits) people still don’t know jack shit about them on this site sometimes…
- Lastly?? If your main mod is someone who has no actual education/experience on your mental health condition and doesn’t know anything about proper therapy or coping (meaning they lack lived experience that’s ended in success or at least a learning experience that has taught them something that is beneficial), maybe don’t take mental health advice on what you should or shouldn’t do from them regarding your condition. Also? If you’re starting a mental health discord??? Try perhaps, to have at least A MODICUM of understanding about mental health. Please. For fuck’s sake.
And this first point goes for any other member in my opinion. It’s super frustrating both on discord and tumblr and twitter mainly to see people give out insanely bad advice about mental health. If you don’t know what you’re talking about? Shut the fuck up and don’t endanger people with your misinformation. It could deadass kill someone.
Day 1. Got my prescription today and took the first pill. Got pretty stressed out about it because I hate swallowing pills. I could feel myself edging towards a panic attack and knew that if it hit, I would never take the pill, so I put it in my mouth, prayed “God, please don’t let me choke on this pill,” and took a drink of water. I instantly spilled water all down my front, which startled me so much that I swallowed the pill without thinking. Not what I meant, but nevertheless effective. Touché God.
Not sure if it’s a placebo effect – my doctor said it would be weeks before I truly felt the medication – but I already feel less anxious. I was actually able to do some work on the YouTube video essay I’ve been working on for 4 months. This afternoon, I edited a whole 45 seconds worth of footage, which is a personal best. However, I quickly lost interest and abandoned it for something completely different. My prediction for the next few weeks is that the meds will help me see where my anxiety and depression end and my ADHD begins; I’m still having trouble focusing on a single task, but it’s not making me curl into a ball on the floor and cry, like I’ve been doing for the past month.
It’s probably a placebo, though. We’ll see what happens when the meds actually kick in.
Today just hasn’t been a good day for me mentally and then fucking idiot Abbott ends the mask mandate for all of Texas.
My dentist was doing her thing right. The whole “how often are you brushing how often are you flossing why aren’t you doing it more” and i was like “depression”. And she was like put a tooth brush by your bed and dry brush when you’re sad and do the same thing with the floss. And I’m just laying there like “what kind of mental health wizard are you?!”
We’re doing alright, everything considered. Just had a therapy session and I’m all out of juice, which feels a little bad because my therapist asked me to write more about the subject we were talking about after the session. I’m trying to remind myself that “after” doesn’t mean “immediately” - she has other patients to attend to, too, and her own life, I’m not keeping her waiting. She’d tell me to rest and recover for certain if she knew that I’m having this mood.
Either way, I’ve run into further troubles with my clinic nurse. Yes, the one who wanted to commit me to inpatient when I came out about my DID symptoms.
I am genuinely fucked lmao.
So i’m making this list for therapy (lol), and Im writing down my feelings n shit when I realize…
Wow! These sentences are beautiful written, almost like poetry! Wait, am I writing my feelings, or am I writing what I want to see?? Surely, my inner monologue isn’t THAT poetic…
Song Recommendation ❤️:
It’s okay if you can’t do everything you’re supposed to. Even if there are other people who can. Everyone deals with things differently, and always feeling like you’re bad is really unhealthy. Don’t let your guilt over what you can’t do stop you from being great at what you can. :)
today my therapist heard all about what is happening with Stray Kids and the idol industry
Making any survivor of trauma help themselves at the level of cost to prove effective in any manner — be it legally etc. — allows their abuser(s) extra time to exploit victims, longer.
I’ve always felt pain in such an extreme way. It hurts to the point where death would be better.
Be careful not to use someone else’s yardstick to measure your own success.