I discovered I have c-ptsd and recovery is fucking hard. Will I even recover?
I really really thought I was recovering. That I was healing. And now everything is back to how I usually felt. I was good for two months. Two fucking months. Nothing changed in my room, in my house, nothing changed but me. I did better. I was laughing more. I even caught myself dancing in the kitchen while I was cooking some food. Like who the hell could have thought I would be doing that a few months ago?
I was throwing out all kinds of garbage. Food, toxic “friends”, producte, thoughts. I went to a therapist. Brainspotting therapy really helped me. I lost some weight weirdly enough. My head was less foggy. I could think, I wrote songs, I sang without throat ache. Then the corona crisis happened and even though I’m at high risk for complications, I was still doing Ok. Yes of course there was some anxiety, but in those months that occassionaly happened of course. I was doing better, I wasn’t doing perfect. But it was doable. And now since 3 days I am back to the emotional flashbacks.
I think it’s the complex trauma /ptsd that has caught me off guard. I am very anxious, my heart beats out of my chest. I did some youtube EDMR sessions and breathing exersises. I tried thinking positive. But it weirdly feels like how it was before. It’s something familiar and one side of me thinks: “oh darkness welcomed me again, this is familiar” while the other part of me thinks “fuck fuck I need to start over all again, I was doing so good and now it’s all gone”. (Which causes me so much more stress and anxiety)
And I know sometimes in healing and recovery you have to take a few steps back, but this is the first time and it feels really scary. Even scarrier then when I had this everyday, because now I can compare with a “good side”. Like before this darkness was all I knew, now I know how it feels to be more okay than usual. And I know everything se is so much more important right now than me and I completely respect the reason that I can’t go to therapy now. But I really miss it. And I even miss my therapist (I only know her for 2,5 months, I’m weird).
What changed with the emotional flashbacks is this: Something inside me wants to talk about my feelings the whole day weirdly enough (that’s also a change). And I also feel like I want physical contact. Not in like a sexual way, but just cuddles and stuff. Really weird. And I now know why it’s happening now. I know that I have c-ptsd. And I tell myself that I am doing everything I can to recover. And that I am doing great. And that I will find new people who will like me for who I am. And that they can handle me and they respect my feelings. But, you know. It’s hard. It really is hard to just live/survive you know.