I wanted to stop doing drugs, but you just wouldn’t go away✨🖤
I wanted to stop doing drugs, but you just wouldn’t go away✨🖤
Does my fear of men outweigh my need to be railed hard by a man 😣😩😫
It fucking hurts..
OC ok to RB
I’ve been housesitting with my boyfriend and I’ve been binge eating (like one massive meal and snacks during the day) and hes noticed how much i ate in each meal and im so fucking disgusted and anxious.
I would like some advice. I wonder, truly, if this is ROCD or not. Or, if I truly am falling out of love with him. I try, and I have been fighting for so long. And here are the thoughts that I have -
something’s wrong with me
and I don’t know what,
but all I know is that I need…
I’m so so sorry for this.
I don’t know if I’m depressed, I’m just angry and frustrated at myself. I know things might get better after but… I don’t know how to deal with this. Ever since August, every day started to feel… Bad?
January to June was great, I felt nothing at july, a bit of drama in August but I didn’t really think about it thinking tomorrow will get better.
September? Well I started to get more interested in the fandom so I would say it was… Okay… October was… Nice. And then everything went down hill from November to December… The ‘false’ raid was a little down slope. When ever that was.
I just want something to be wrong with me so I can have an excuse for functioning this poorly
I HATE IT!! MY PARENTS DON’T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS , THEY PISSED ME OFF!!!
I’m crazy I dont understand why people don’t understand that
i‘m always excited to go to therapy but why the fuck does everything feel so much heavier on the night before?
During my journey with my mental health and my journey to heal and get better and seek help there was a point in time during my freshman year of college that made me realize I NEEDED professional help, I needed to reach out and start the process of healing.
This point was not because of the self harm tendencies or the suicidal ideation, it was when I realized that I didn’t actually want to die, but to have a break from existence. What I wanted for something to happen that wouldn’t kill me but would require hospitalization and a long period of recovery.
I actively fantasized about being in a car accident or falling ill with cancer or even being attacked on the street. This wasn’t a fantasy about death but about having an excuse to “not exist,” and excuse to not have responsibilities, not have to think for myself or care for myself. I wanted an escape from regular life, a “real” reason to not go to class, or work, or shower, or talk to people. The reasons I had, aka bad mental health, weren’t good enough in my mind. I felt that if I had a real, palpable, physical problem, then it would be ok to just not “exist” for a period of time.
We are raised to believe that the only reason for long breaks or for calling in or for taking time off is for physical illness/ injury or other obligations such as family deaths and so on. I wasn’t ever taught in school or at jobs that “mental health days” were ok or were even a thing. I was always taught that it’s not ok to take days off when there’s not an emergency or when you aren’t sick, and to take a day off otherwise was being lazy and a bad employee or student. I was a little lucky that my mom was sympathetic to mental health and allowed me to take “sick days” in high school when she knew I wasn’t sick I was just depressed or anxious. Despite her sympathy and allowances of taking time off, I still had the “lazy” mentality in my brain when I went off to college.
By the time I finally reached out for help I had essentially wasted my entire freshman year of college, barely passing my classes to avoid academic peobation. I had almost no friends, no money, and had essentially stopped talking when I wasn’t high or drunk. I actively abused alcohol and marijuana to numb myself, I was cutting every day, and I would spend hours walking the streets around my campus at night hoping for someone to attack me. I walked across streets without looking for cars, I barely ate, and I actively sought out a large number of sexual partners in an effort to feel anything but numbness and anger. It was a waking nightmare.
When I finally had my “epiphany” I was a shell of my former self and had gone through several traumas including an abusive boyfriend and a sexual assault. These events and my mental state altered my personality to the point where I don’t even quite remember what I was like before all of this happened. I sought help from a therapist and got on medication, an SSRI, after a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and clinal anxiety. I began my recovery in 2015, and now in 2020 I can say I’m significantly better.
I still struggle with self harm thoughts, as it became an addiction for me. I also still struggle with the ideation of not death but a break from existence, a time where I have a palpable excuse to not “adult”, not have to work or fulfill major responsibilities. Those thoughts are not that often though but I don’t think they’ll ever go away.
I know this was long and drawn out but to anyone patient enough to read this whole thing, I just want you to know that 1. You are not alone
2. It’s ok to take mental health breaks, you aren’t being lazy or selfish
3. Suicide is a final solution for a temporary problem
4. You may not think it or feel it, but you have a support system, you are loved, and you are strong enough to become happy again.
If anyone needs to talk please reach out to me, or contact a mental health hotline at 1-800-662-4375 or 800-273-8255
Depression isn’t something that everyone understands, the happiest people can be struggling mentally, holding on to what little they have left.
Sometimes people don’t know how to handle their loved ones with mental illness and what to say when they come to you and the things that people can say to someone who has these mental illness can really distroy them even more sometimes. Be kind. Be patient. Show love.
Took a mental health day from work and made a spiced orange green tea recipe with Pigeon.
I wake up angry, I get sad and nervouse and then BOOM I get the biggest random bursts of euphoria immediately followed by the deepest existential dread and then I go back to sleep and I wake up angry,
Nobody knows that I cry behind closed doors.
Nobody knows the amount of strength it takes to put a smile on my face and say “I’m okay.”
Nobody knows that the sigh’s I have are for the pain i feel, and that’s the only way to relieve it.
Nobody knows the amount of faith I give to people, just to be let down again.
Nobody knows the amount of tears I cry.
Nobody knows that when I wake up in the morning I sometimes wish I were dead, because at least if I were dead I wouldn’t have to take today’s bullshit.
Nobody knows that I sit in a cleaning supply closet just to get peace.
Nobody knows how alone I really am.
Nobody knows that I scream on the top of my lungs, in my car, on my way home from work.
Nobody knows I agree a lot in conversations cause I am tired of hearing the same stories over and over again.
Nobody knows that I turn the shower temperature heat all the way up just so I can feel something other than my inner pain.
Nobody knows the hurt that I am hurting.
Now you know.
I feel the urge to see a therapist but at the same time I’m f****ing scared to burst into tears in front of them, I’m also scared to share out loud my deepest, shittiest thoughts. Maybe I will never help myself out.
eu sei que ferrei muitas coisas por ser bipolar.
eu sei que aceito pouco por não saber o que é amar.
eu entendo que tudo na minha vida vai ser assim,
mas queria muito saber se tu confia em mim.
eu não confiaria.
learning to cope on your own is important.
learning when to leave the party is important.
learning what situations to avoid is important.
learning to socialize without alcohol is important, as well as, learning your limits and not overexerting yourself in the process.
learning your ways out is important and so is taking breaks.
Learn about yourself so others may learn, too.