I genuinely wonder what it must be like to have a fully functioning memory of your life. How does that work exactly? Knowing what happened in your past fully? Or even partially? All I get are random flashes, things that feel like dreams. Things I can't tell if they're dreams or, or if they're made up or if they're real.

I want to know what it's like to remember huge sections of my life at a time.

Is there a manual for how to continue?

Is life like a video game?

I feel like every time I ask is today the day I end the game?

continue? 3, 2, 1

Right before it hits zero I enter another quarter and quickly press start

I play again for a while until inevitably some new more difficult obstruction stands in the way of completion

And I try every way I can with the time I'm given

And again

Continue? 3

And I put the quarter in 2

1

It's nearly Halloween which means I want to go crazy with decorating and baking and organising parties etc, but I'm also lowkey depressed at the moment so I can't be bothered with any of it at all, but also Halloween is my favourite season and so I know I'll regret not attempting to enjoy it once I'm out of this hole again

I'm so tired. The kind of tired where you've spent you entire life hoping that today's the day. The day for anything to happen that was better for the last. Simultaneously you also deep down hope that today is THE day. The day that everything finally progressively starts getting better and life becomes a parabola instead of a one sided downward spiral. Perhaps even the opposite will happen and everything will just stop happening and there will be no bad and there will be no good there will just not be.

~💧~ “Haha haha oooo~ I’m mentally ill.~ Ha! HA! HA!”

Tears dripping

down my face

Restless and paranoid

The blue dawn

A new day

The same fight.

Thinking About Steven Universe Future

I love this show so much, I just wanted to start off with that. The Steven Universe verse is a tremendous one and it's so interesting. I love the idea of the Gem species, it's such a unique idea to me.

I like how we were shown the long-term ramifications of Steven's traumatic upbringing. It's weird to think about, but Steven was 13-14 during the main series. It was so, cheerful and compassionate and helpful, which is odd to consider with regard to real life. He had a kind of childlike innocence that I have never seen in a 14 year old; hell, especially not in me.

SUF gets a lot of praise, and criticism, for its portrayal of mental illness, and both are warranted. On one hand, it is incredibly realistic for a teenager, after enduring trauma after trauma, being turned into a on-site therapist for the Gems and gems in general, being attacked, assaulted, almost murdered, kidnapped, whatever, to break down. To no longer have the ability to keep up appearances, to snap and lose control. Him murdering Jasper honestly made a lot of sense, since he has been suppressing himself this entire time and eventually just couldn't anymore.

It's realistic for a kid to be traumatized like that and show all of those signs of something being seriously wrong. Ofc, SUF isn't the first show to do this. Season 4 of the Legend of Korra also did, which is part of why I love LOK and think Season 4 is the second-best or best season, but I digress.

My only criticism is I had wished SUF was darker and longer. SUF needed to be twice as long, at the least, or possibly two seasons for the portrayal of mental illness to be the most realistic and developed. So we can see the real ramifications of Steven's trauma and mental illness. If you want any idea about how this could have played out, I recommend this fanfic.

Either way, love this show and I'm gonna write a fanfic of my own.

You’re so wonderful and full of creativity. Your ships are so interesting and cool and explore so many cool dynamics, and exploring them doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You are human, and you are enjoying things in a safe environment that doesn’t harm anybody. Remember that there are no real people being hurt.

Your character should be judged on real life interactions/intentions, not on your thoughts/creative expression.

For some reason I keep going: I have never felt an emotion in my life, and wow, that thought is giving me a bunch of anxiety so maybe it isn't true? But, what if it was true, but it isn't, but what if. What if. Maybe I have something wrong with me? But no, I'm overexaggerating, I only have depression and anxiety. Also, I think I'm faking everything, I'm fake, and people know I'm fake. Everyone thinks I'm incredibly insincere and I'm the least comforting person in their life. Everyone is actively avoiding me because I don't know how to talk and they think I'm awkward, but people also tell me they like me so maybe that's a lie I made up?

And it keeps spiraling...

"Overthinking kills your happiness."

— Artwork by: Robert Carter.

Instagram/cracked_hat_illustration

Having adhd is wild because i was feeling down a couple of days ago and now I've started a vinyl collection

Why Meditation Must Be Taught One On One

I tried to learn design from a book. I clearly needed a teacher. Have you ever tried to learn a skill from a book? When I was a kid I tried to learn Judo that way and besides learning how to fall, I didn’t learn anything at all. In reality, I didn’t even how to fall with any certainty. To perform meditation properly you must be certain that what you’re doing is accurate. Doubt kills a…

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As someone who suffers from both physical and mental illness/ chronic pain/ disabilities. I hate people who are very anti self diagnosing.

I’m fortunate enough to have an official diagnosis for most of my issues. However there is physical issues that still have no diagnosis. But even though I don’t have a diagnosis for all of it, I can explain that I have extremely chronic back pain to the point I literally physically can’t move and most reasonable people will be like “oh okay that sucks”.

But when I was undiagnosed with my adhd for example, I couldn’t just say oh I have a hard time staying focused and starting tasks, oh but I could read a book for 7 hours straight with out stoping but also I will forget to eat or sleep or go to the bathroom. But I could be like I have adhd but I haven’t gotten a official diagnosis yet.

Like the idea that you need an official diagnosis to have mental health issues is blatantly classist, and ableist. And definitely has aspects of sexism and racism as well

I feel like an experiment to see how much suffering one being can endure before they decide go take matters into their own hands and end it.

WOW! YOU'RE GON NA BE A [[BIG SHOT]]!!

Hi I love this funny lil man,, finally,, a fellow shorty,

Drawn w the haste of a new hyperfixation,

I’ve never felt more frustrated and angry while simultaneously feeling hard core empathy and sadness than when I watched Hoarders: Buried Alive.

Like, I understand why you don’t wanna throw that rock away but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THROW THE FUCKING ROCK!

I can remember being 12, laying in bed praying and begging god to not let me be gay... I can remember writing in my diary saying "do not become a lesbian".

My family were fundie Christians, they drilled into me that gay=sin and hell. And for 12 year old me who sometimes thought girls were cute, it terrified me.

I can remember a church friend talking about boys playing with dolls and demanding that we not let our sons become gay. I can remember my grandfather getting cross at my grandmother for acknowledging a gay couple as a couple. I can remember in highschool telling my mum my best friend was bi and she said it's okay their sin isn't any different to ours...

I've moved away from Christianity now. I feel like I'm finally becoming who I really am. But I continue to question that part of me. When I've found girls attractive, id somehow convince myself it's them not me... I don't know denial logic?!

I don't think I fit in any box, I cant definitively say I'm straight or a lesbian or bi...

I need an escape key for my life.

Love Tchaikovsky. That neurotic little homo ❤❤