nothing has fucked me harder than my mental instability 👌🏼
nothing has fucked me harder than my mental instability 👌🏼
Happy 30th Birthday to me.
Wish you were here.
End Of Me // A Day To Remember
Imma fuck my life up.
my fat distribution be like : okay so you can have a ~19 inch waist~ but only when you dont eat for at least 3 days & your thighs have to be fucking massive. also no titties or ass
People ask me or I try to remember about the start of my ed and like,,, bitch I have no clue. It was only six months ago but I’m too mentally ill to have a memory anymore. I remember very specific parts of my life that are not relevant to your question and that’s it, if I can work with that to form a whole personality for myself you can deal with me telling you the same story seven times and then forgetting my middle name.
me noticing I gain 0,4 kg:
When the god complex hits but you know its just a matter of time before the depression and suicidal ideation returns guess ill live it up while its here LOL
I have a panic attack and massive guilt over accepting three glasses of sparkling wine at my drunk grand uncle’s house. Me and my parents were visiting them. The uncle dude passed out after 2.5 bottles of strong wine and i spent the evening petting their cat and trying to stay calm.
His wife tho is lovely and speaks very little finnish bc she’s from russia. So me and her have very big language barrier between us but still we manage to understand each other somehow and have the best daughter - grandma relationship.
My “actual” grandmamas on both sides were an alcoholic/ opiate addict psycho who drank and drugged herself dead at age 61 and the other that is still alive is a nagging, panicing scitsofrenic. So nothing healthy there.
Now we - mom, dad, me - are going back to our rented apartment. That is good. I can calm down. And i can take my antihistamine at home cause i am allergic to cats but i petted the little purring thing all night and i’m having an allergic reaction now, breathing is heavy, eyes itch and are puffy and red + i’m sneezing a lot.
Anyhow it would have been a normal visiting my adopted grandma and her drunk husband, but then he just poured a full damn table glass of fake champagne and i, being dumb as shit, drank it. My depression and anxiety meds won’t like that and i will have a terrible hangover tomorrow. (i’m light weight at drinking but i think it makes quitting somehow easier).
I will not drink for at least a month after this honestly, i didn’t even feel the happy drunk, i was like half glass -> almost shitfaced slurring drunk, and having very little control of myself is another panic (and e d) trigger. (ofc i feel as well that i ate to much heavy foods and i need to purge or at least not eat anything tomorrow, but i need to bc of recovering e d patient)
So i coulda had a normal night visiting relatives but nah, my dumb decision making almost ruined it. Bleh…
They can give me as many meds they want, but I realized that I cannot be fixed because I don’t want to live and it’s not the same as being suicidal￼. Meds can’t give you the will to live.
TW: Eating Disorders, Weight Gain / Loss, Covid, Eating Habits, Body Shame.
I’ve seen a lot of jokes made about weight gain during Quarantine. As if it’s funny that many of us are stress eating, relapsing in our ED recoveries and binging or restricting out of fear for survival. Things are so uncertain right now and trauma can bring up a lot surrounding our relationship with food and our eating habits.
Some of us respond to stress by eating. Some of us avoid food to gain a sense of control when we’re afraid. Some of us physically can’t eat because of anxiety and some of us can only eat hashbrowns because our stomach’s in knots.
Whatever you are eating, and whenever you can manage to eat, you don’t have to feel guilty for doing so. Your body needs food to survive and at the end of the day, it’s better to eat hashbrowns for a week straight than to eat nothing at all. I love you. And I’m so proud of you for doing the best you can to feed and take care of yourself through all this.
I know how hard it is.
I’ve also seen a lot of posts circulating suggesting ways to avoid gaining weight, while living through the current pandemic.
This. is. so. toxic.
Weight fluctuations are perfectly human and they do not ever define your worth.
You do *not* have to feel guilty for eating.
Not after eating icecream.
Not after having candy.
Not after binging,
and especially not during fucking Covid.
Your body is beautiful because it holds you.
Not the other way around.
ok so like I’ve been fuck ass depressed for the whole past week and it also happens that I’m premenstrual so rn im thinking about talking to my gp about pmdd as it is not the first time it happens and it might be one of the factors.
i’m at the doctor’s office for pain in my ear and my stomach is growling so bad, like it’s a fucking symphony or something 🤦🏻♀️ and i feel like everyone else is looking at me and thinking ‘why didn’t she eat before coming here’. aaaargh. so anxious.
Did you drink enough water
Have you slept enough
Did you shower
Did you brush your hair
Did you take your meds
If you didn’t do any of those things it’s ok, I still love you and I’ve been there and am still there we’ll get through this together, love you all🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
I feel myself slowly slipping in my depression and I know I can’t stop it. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t pull myself together like I always do. I can’t. I feel like I’m slowly drowning. I feel like I’m going to relapse into my self harm again. I can feel it worsening every second. I’m not strong enough anymore. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I’ll be okay soon enough and that they’ll be there for me. I don’t want to feel like this again. Sorry for the rant/annoyingness.
ngl i hope i wake up to a nude or three