hay is for horses, stable is for neurotypicals and horses
I said you were going to break my heart didn’t I
Life has gotten rough. My grandma had to go into the hospital. I’ve been visiting her every day, I’m the only one who has, my mom decided she was taking a vacation and left the city. With that, my sister has needed me to help get my niece to and from school. I wake up at 5am, I don’t fall asleep until closer to midnight. I’m restless but tired. I know I’m pushing myself too hard and it’s not going to end well.
I’ve been fasting and major restricting what I eat. My new stealboned corset came in (I charged my “emergency” credit card during a manic episode). So I wore that all day today 12 hours straight. I constantly fight thoughts of eating or buying food, I know I would just end up bingeing and I need to stop spending money I don’t have. So I keep telling myself, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Daily Weight: 170.4lbs
Today I am thankful for the time that I have spent with my grandma. I’m glad she still remembers me and that I still get to spend time with her. I just don’t want her suffer so I pray she passes in her sleep peacefully instead of the Dementia continuing to eat her a way.
Jokes aside, even the thought of that makes me wanna die
Question to fellow POC who are/have sought out therapy or any other kind of mental health treatment:
Did you feel that your psychiatrist/therapist/mh professional was very reluctant to discuss prescription meds? Or like actively, if not weirdly, discouraging about it?
bitches be breaking the cycle of abuse 😎
its always worse…
neurodivergent/ill ppl saying something isn’t helpful > neurodivergent/ill ppl refusing help
I relate to this very much. The older I get the more self hate I have. As more time passes I can’t stand to be in my own skin, more and more every day.
Granted I have lost a lot of weight recently… I have always been on the bigger side. I am 19 pounds away from my LONG term goal and I couldn’t be happier and more proud of myself for actually sticking with something for month’s and month’s to better myself…. but I am still not okay with myself. I fear I never will be, no matter what I do or how much weight I lose. I wish I could think differently about myself.
Here’s to hoping! 🤷♀️✌
Just wanna try again yanno. See if things could be different, maybe even work.
You know what fucking sucks? As a mentally ill person, I will NEVER be as valued in a workplace as a neurotypical person.
Call in at the last minute because I’m having a panic attack so bad I can barely breathe? I’m not trustworthy. I’m not reliable. Even if I haven’t called in sick to work in months.
Ask why my hours were cut almost in half? “Because I don’t know if I can count on you to keep your shifts. It seems like you only come to work when it suits you.”
I have coworkers who call into work several times every month. Their hours have not been cut like mine.
I have been a loyal and hardworking employee for over 2.5 years. I have definitely called into work less than 10 times.
Tell me why I deserve less respect than my neurotypical counterparts.
I have a therapy session on Friday and a doctor’s appointment on next Wednesday.
Probably need to change my meds, this combination doesn’t quite ✨ work ✨.
I hate being in this world.
This page is like a void to yell into and even the echo is missing. I haven’t yet decided whether that is a good or a bad thing.
At least there’s some outlet for my mental breakdowns.
I’ve been having this very intrusive thought about running head first into a brick wall. Do you guys think it would go away if I did it?
I feel so useless excuse of a human being. What is the point of all this if there is nothing more to life than anxiety and misery? I need to stick around just in order to experience all the death and suffering life has to offer? I think not.
Imagine having a friend that follows you everywhere, not right by your side but just near.
Sometimes you don’t even notice. You’re too busy and distracted going on with your normal life. Until they wave at you from across the garden just reminding you that they are still there.
Others, your friend is jumping in your face and holding your hands because they really want your full undivided attention.
The first few days are annoying but you manage.
A week goes by and it becomes very irritating.
A month on and you want to scream and cry every time you see your friend.
Six months, it’s officially exhausting. You’re so tired all the time. Your friend changes their mood throughout the day. One minute, they leave you alone. The next, they are shouting the house down and all you can do is sob.
Imagine having that friend with you every day and never going away.
How would that make you feel?
I don’t just want to be skinny. I need to be skinny
How much of a relief will it be when I wake up every morning wanting to die so that I know nothing really matters anymore