VENT/RANT SCROLL IF YOU DONT WANNA READ
god i'm so tired of my anxiety. i couldn't tell if my mind was blank or overfilled with thoughts and just rejecting more. it was such a new feeling. ans i got one negative respond to me saying something about it. then when i wanted to reach out to my sister and explain what was happening, my thought started flowing in, i couldn't stop it. 'what if she hates me?' "what if she's busy?" "what if she finds me annoying?" "she doesn't love me" "even if she does after you tell her she won't" and i just can't stand it i wanna reach out so bad. but i can't not matter how hard i try. i can't break through the bubble. so i flipped my switch. the switch i have to stop feeling anything. i don't know what it is. but i can do it. and i realized like 2 weeks ago, it works for physical pain to. i banged my leg. and if didn't even hurt. like i didn't know i did it. if oliver didn't point out the bruise i would've never known. and i feel little out of my body sometimes when i do it. but besides that it's fine.