I lost my mind to understand yours
I lost my mind to understand yours
I hate when I make mistakes. I am so hard on myself when it comes to that. And I know it doesn’t make any kind of sense. Because mistakes are a part of life. Everyone makes them. I’m just not really sure why I lack compassion for myself when I do anything less than right or perfect.
I hate when I fuck up, but the reality is; if I’m not fucking up, I’m not living. I’m not learning, I’m not evolving. I’m not saying that my goal in life is to be a shitty person with bad intentions. My goal in life isn’t to fuck up. I know my worth, I know that I am an amazing person. But, great people fuck up, too.
Good people make mistakes, sometimes. They hurt people, do the wrong thing, lie, etc. And majority of the time it is done unintentionally. Sometimes I do all of those things unintentionally. And then I beat myself up afterwards because I hate fucking up.
But what I am learning about mistakes is that I can’t let them destroy me. I can’t allow my mistakes to take over my true character. Yes, I have done bad things in my life, but I have also learned from them, too. And I’ve held myself accountable for them, as well. I’ve learned not to make the same mistakes again. Fucking up is inevitable. We all do it. Just don’t forget to have some self compassion when you’re owning up to them, too.
This is called “Revolution.” Lover boy became a style too soon, too quick, or not enough.
When I was eight I thought a large leaf in the autumned lawn of my grandmother was a large lizard. There is blood flowing out of an oboe stumbling out of a casino. We go through our lives with these little mysteries like frozen corsages on our chests. Millions of miles away, in another neon desert. This is how it starts. You’ve made so many mistakes in life. You drive them to school each day. There they learn about the american revolution. Washington. The Hessians surprised on christmas morning in Trenton. That’s New Jersey.
i’m amused by this days later so i’m posting about it
my mother will occasionally fall victim to changing my name, but it’s few and far between, like once every few months, and do it with either my brothers name (jack) or my dogs name (daisy). and every so often of these times, she’ll refer to the brother or the dog by my name.
thus, the sentence “audrie is a walking poop show” was uttered by my own fucking mom. she meant to be talking about our dear old dog who shit on the fucking dock at the lake. but no. my name.
Does anybody have that sometimes when you want to wash your hands, you brush your teeth instead?
And when you realize you are like: what has just happened? What am I doing? Why? I need answers.
Previous chapters found in my masterlist.
Warnings: Lots of angst. Anxiety/panic attack trigger warning marked with ** and ends with …
A huge loving thanks to my proof-readers who helped me finish this heart-breaking chapter.
“And you’re sure this is what you want to do?” Thomas Birner asks, his tone clear.
He sits across from you in their modest dining area in the upstairs apartment. Wood paneling in a deep cherry color surrounds you in the small room, giving you a sense of cozy security. An emerald green rug sits underneath the dining room set, extending beyond the neatly organized wooden chairs that match the walls.
tw: death mention
I’d like to know why everytime someone dies it’s all “they had the brightest smile, never had a bad day, were always in a good mood, always positive and looking up.” Let’s not forget that people are human. We make mistakes, we have bad days, we do things we regret later, and just because someone has died doesn’t mean that they have to be this wonderful, happy person to be remembered well, and you as an individual, do not have to remember someone well just because they’ve died. We’re all different and no one is perfect and no one has to have been a happy go-lucky person in their life for their life to have value. And these mistakes and bad days are, in a way, what makes life so great. It makes us value the good even more!!
All I know is that when I die in this lifetime, I don’t want to be remembered for the happiness I experienced, I want to be remembered for the impact I had on those around me, whether it be good or bad or somewhere in between. Remember me for what is true. As we should with everyone.
When your school has a bird problem and there are almost fully intact bodies every now and then but you cant pick them up because its school :(((
I sit there in silence, waiting for your name to pop up on my phone. For a signal that I didn’t ruin everything. That I haven’t lost you entirely. I keep waiting for you to come back, but why would you After I’ve hurt you so bad?
Why would you even care? After I mistreated your gentle soul. You were so pure and I miss placed you, over and over again.
I’d take little effort into something you put your whole spirit into.
I didn’t appreciate you like I should’ve. I never told you that I cared more than you could imagine… I never opened up the side I wanted you to know. Because I always believed that we had time, that we would get there. But I filled and spilled your cup way too many times until you left me with it.
I am no one to feel this pain,
I am no one to miss you,
You deserved better and I knew it
I lost you over myself and I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry for everything that I did, everything I never said and mostly for everything I made you feel.
I’m sorry for waiting until you were out the door to say all of this. I’m sorry It’s too late.
I’m so deeply sorry…
As a creator I’ve had tons of issues, but this must be the greatest mistake so far!
Still laughing 😭😂😂😂
MISSING YOU TONIGHT.
Singing and dancing
I feel you in me
The light breaks through the cracks
Of my window
And it falls on my hands
And I see nothing
But you , holding my hand
But in a blink
My mother shuts the curtains
And calls me for dinner,
And I go
leaving your absence
As if you were never present,
I was born to be real not to be perfect, everyone make mistakes but not everyone do it out of wickedness
Sometimes being just a human being can make you feel like shit. You’re not going to always have bright and shining moments. You’re not always going to be the brave hero. Humans are prone to weakness. Times where we stray. Fact is, it’s an unfortunate part of life. You may not always understand the reasons why, but the acknowledgement of mistakes can lead you down a better path in the end. You see those things you did. The cause and effect. You may not be perfect, but at the end of the day, is anyone? I’ve learned in life there’s the brave few who admit to mistakes and then the population of liars. We hate to admit to our mistakes. It may feel embarassing, disappointing, or like weakness. However, at the end of the day, it’s what teaches us life’s hardest lessons. There’s no guidebook on how to be a perfect human being. Even if there was one, let’s be real. None of us would fully follow it. The ugly truth is all of us have “weak” moments. We have our downfalls. We all make mistakes. So don’t dwell on the time where you weren’t coping well, remember how you came out of it. Don’t dwell on the time where your mistake almost cost you your life. Be thankful God gave you a second chance at one.
Life can get difficult without a good support system. You can start to feel lost. Sometimes we walk away from those who we actually needed in our lives. Sometimes we may mistakenly keep those who bring out the worst in us. Life’s full of hard lessons. It seemed all so easy and clear cut to me before thyroid disease. This is what you do, and don’t do. Sometimes all it takes is one brief nasty dip into human imperfection, and it can send you on a journey you never expected. You end up sitting looking back at your life going, “What happened? Why did I did do this or not do that? Why didn’t I catch certain signs? What’s wrong with me?” It can be painful. But as I said, it’s just you realizing that you’re human. It can also be hard when you feel like your trying to live up to the reputation people give you. They all talk about how great they think you are. Better than you see yourself I’m sure. It’s funny because we have our reputations usually because we just are who we are. You don’t have to “live up” to what you are. However, bad mindset sometimes can make us feel this way. Trauma and the negative voice inside us that tries to tell us we aren’t good enough. I think certain people are put on certain paths for a reason. There’s certain lessons that are necessary for us to learn. Sometimes negative life experiences are a catalyst for positive change. Sometimes it will push you in ways you didn’t realize you were capable. It still sucks, but its what shapes us. I know there were definitely times for me, I had thoughts like i don’t know who thought I could actually handle this…because I definitely can’t. I understand my mistakes in life, but this is too hard. Yet, somehow I’ve always made it through. I’m not sure how my own journey will end or yours. What I do know is for all of us, we can’t sit and worry about that. We will get to where we are suppose to be, but for now, live where you are. Accept your imperfections and understand there is a better future waiting for all of us.
Two days ago I found myself hitting my wrist with a hammer. I don’t know how I ended up doing it. Now it’s all red and purple.