I am so freaking glad I came to my senses!!!
I am so freaking glad I came to my senses!!!
Some days I wish you were near again
Just so that I could cast you out furthermore
Until darkness filled the void
And, in that distance you became a pinprick of starlight
From a previous galaxy
I no longer wish to visit in my memories
But still love all the same
“how are you?”
i walk around with empty feeling in my chest no heartbeat to steady my breathe only the gentle footfalls of regret
i am sad, again. i will rise, again, so what does it matter when i stumble?
because it isn’t so much of i’m sad as it is that i’m tired
and it’s not so much of i’m tired as much as it is that every bone of my body needs rest
and it isn’t as much isolation as it is recharging that is isolation
it isn’t that i don’t want to tell my friends
it’s that telling someone makes it real,
adds that weight to shoulders already so sunken
and it isnt suffering in silence if im not really suffering, right?
im not slipping, right?
the thoughts occur in a millisecond before i decide.
and all i say:
I hate when you coulda been great with someone but the timing was all off and now you will never know what it coulda been cause you got someone new 😔😓😓😓
I always wondered what would feel like if you were to come back.
I try not to be swallowed by you
I don’t wanna be toxic to myself
I try to break down my mental
Study myself in great detail
Trying to understand behavioral patterns
What it means to me to love
Why I sit in rooms remembering your face
As I meet new ones
I’ve been here before
Maybe we only see what we want to see
My memories are tricking me
I swear to god I remember you loving me
The very core of two beings
Fuled by one another
In each kiss
As our faces would touch
But alcohol gets to keep you
Due to the state of the government I have decided to take up day drinking. No I am not accepting questions at this point in time. Thank you. That’s all.
I know I’m not pretty like the other girls. I don’t know how to wear make up, I don’t have straight and silky hair. My skin isn’t perfect and my body is far from what’s considered attractive. I don’t know how to click photos, I don’t click photos. I can’t pose the right way to save my life. I don’t know how to be sexy, I get nervous and very self conscious when I’m around people . I’m not that mysterious girl that leaves you wanting for more, I talk. A lot. Mostly because I’m nervous and I tend to overcompensate by talking too much. And even though I knew this all my life, even though it bothered me all my life, I had accepted it in a sense, made my peace with it. But then you came along and I couldn’t believe someone like you wanted me. Despite of all that I wasn’t. I should have known it was too good to be true because you left me for a girl that was exactly what I wasn’t. I hated myself long before I met you but you picked her and yes it was inevitable and all of my fears were proved to be true. Now I don’t know how to breathe without feeling that I’ll never be enough. I can’t breathe without hating every inch of myself.
— you choosing her destroyed me
I think I have been avoiding this blog and this website for too long now because of a single person. When I started this blog about 11 months ago it was because I was going through mental trauma and breakdown to a scale I hadnt experienced before. I used this as an outlet to sort my thoughts and reflect on my progress. In the midst of that it became about one person. It became obsessive and overly in love with a single soul, and when my heart broke it became the place I wrote the darkest hurt in my heart. And then I stopped because I didnt have the courage to go on, I didnt have the courage to come back and read what I had written.
But in the past 36 hours I have had my heart ripped out of my body again and my soul crushed. By a single soul. By you. And the worst part is I dont think you realise you are doing it. But things have to change now. I cannot continue to live under your shadow. I cannot continue to have my soul ripped out everytime something reminds me of you. I cannot continue to live like this.
It is time, and I am ready. I am ready to bleed you out of my body. I am ready to evict you from my head and my thoughts. I am ready to have my soul refreshed and begin again.
No contact with 1 this week. Along with the relatively normal times for Messenger activity for her, there was late night activity again, like at 1am Wednesday and Thursday, 2am Saturday, and just after midnight Sunday. She commented on one of my co-worker’s- and a mutual friend’s- Facebook post that she’s sleeping like she’s back on Sunrise shift at my job, so that activity is probably when she gets up. As an aside, she started working at my job about three years ago doing a 2am-10am shift. We met in January 2017 when I started working early mornings as I would just be coming in and she would be finishing her shift. I saw no activity yesterday and only one instance today. I saw another post, this one from her truck on Thursday morning, so she’s back to work. We had our long tournament on Sunday so I knew she wouldn’t be in. I know it’s just a matter of time until she has more time off, and I’m patient enough to wait for her. I look forward to spending more time with her this winter.
I saw a little more of 2 this weekend than I have lately, mainly because I worked early Sunday, which coincided with her hours. I also made a point to sit with her- and a couple of other co-workers- before and at the start of my shift. Neighbor texted me right before I got off work Wednesday asking for help with her phone bill. I said I suppose I could, trying not to show any enthusiasm so maybe she’d get the hint that she’s pushing it. I promised to help fix her other car so I'm obligated to that, but I’m soon to be done. When I got home, I kind of forgot she asked and I almost fell asleep, so she texted me about an hour after I got home saying she’s ready whenever I am. I told her I was so she said she’ll be right over. She came over and started complaining once again. She also was having a conversation with a mutual friend who was in town for a little while. We found out what hotel she was at but that conversation stalled when I mentioned I won’t be around her smoking weed, and the mutual friend said she needs to blaze up. Sad, she chose drugs over friends. It will be her fault if we don’t get together while she’s in town. Anyway, Neighbor had me go to her cell provider’s website and pay for a month of her phone. She continued on to list all her maladies and the history of why her life sucks. She has a whole ton of illnesses, which frankly, eliminate her from any interest for me. I kind of ignored it and watched TV and surfed the web while she prattled on. Finally, I had to iron some work clothes so I started that and watched a news program while she finally got up to leave. One thing she said was that she wished her son was over 18 so she could come over and shack up with me. Internally, I screamed “HELL NO!” but I just smiled on the outside. She put on her coat and headed out the door. When she got outside, she continued to talk, this time about the weather. I was cold so I cut the conversation short and said goodnight. She texted me Saturday morning right after I got up asking when I wanted to start working on her other car. I said I just got up so let me get ready. I did, then I brought my charger and extension cord to her house. She plugged it in inside her house and I hooked it up. At first, I couldn’t get a reading from my charger, but I left it to do its job. I then grabbed my gas can and poured what was left of it into her tank. The whole time, she was bitching on about how bad her life was. I ignored most of it. I went to the gas station to refill my gas can and put that in her tank, too. I got the gas, spilling a bit of it, so now everything smelled like gas, returned to her car, and poured it in. I told her I would be back at noon to check the battery charger. When that time came, I saw it had charged it to 96%, but when she tried to start it, the starter made a rapid clicking sound, which means it probably is bad. I told her I’d make phone calls on Monday to see about getting it fixed. She texted me last night, so I told her I forgot yesterday because I had lawn mower trouble, which took my mind off her car. I told her I’d do it today. So, today I called the repair shop to ask if they could do it. They said yes, so I said I’ll have it towed up. However, because of the soft ground on which the car sits, the tow truck driver didn’t want to try to pull it out. He’s right, but I’m disappointed he didn’t try. He said the ground would have to dry out first before we car tow it. I said that would probably be about Monday, so I told Neighbor we’d try again then. She hugged & thanked me and said she has to be out of her house by the end of the month.
Last week, I Asked Blind Date Woman to go with me to Whose Line live this Saturday, but she responded that’s she’s seeing someone, so she has to pass. I didn’t know that, so I apologized. She said no problem, thanks for thinking of me, and I’ll see you at trivia sometime. I left it at that. So, that’s another dead end. I’m going to remove her from these updates. I texted BFF last night asking if she was available to go to Whose Line live this Saturday because I still owe her a concert since she wasn’t able to go to Heart & Joan Jett with me. She said she might be but she’ll have to double check her calendar at work today to verify. So I texted her earlier today to see if she can go, and she said she’s sorry she can’t because of family time. I told her no worries, some other time.
Long Lost Friend texted me Thursday evening asking for my address. I gave it to her and asked if she was going to stalk me because I could use some excitement. She said she kind of already does, as she drives by my house about ten times a week. She then messaged me a couple of hours later saying she wants to work on her, which meant she wants to try to be happy, maybe by going out more because staying in isn’t working for her. I didn’t propose taking her out, as I probably should, but I will later. It’s a good thing I didn’t ask to do anything Friday night, because I didn’t feel like going out myself. She messaged me again last night asking how I was. I told her I had just finished a bottle of wine and she asked with whom. I told her I was alone and she thought I might have a girl over. I said no, but that would have been a good idea. Apparently, I need to work on my game. I asked her if she went out last weekend, and she said no, why do you ask? I said because she mentioned she wanted to get out more and I was going to ask if she wanted to but work killed me so I didn’t. We chatted about her daughter’s upcoming work schedule, our plans for next week vis-a-vis Thanksgiving, and what she has going on later today. She also asked if I'd like to go to a cheap movie on a Tuesday, which I thought was a good idea. We didn’t nail down a date so that’s still in the air. I messaged her earlier tonight asking if she was available to go to Whose Line live, and she said yes. I told her I was off all day if she wanted to do dinner and anything else, but we didn’t nail those details down.
NYE Girl texted me last evening, starting with a “Hey Stranger!” and a couple of memes about dating. We had a good text conversation- she told me she’s been seeing a couple of guys but neither has worked out. I told her it’s been kind of dry on my end and I have a couple of disaster stories to tell her. She admitted she still talks to the guy she saw right after me and I said I have no room to talk about not talking to exes, referring to the fact that 1 and I still communicate. She asked if 1 is still in the picture, and I told her yes. I told her she was very loving and super patient with me, and I appreciated that. She thanked me, said she said she enjoyed our time together, and I said I did too. I didn’t suggest the idea of getting together but I hope it happens soon.
Nothing from 3, whose mom has been sick lately, or 4. Phew! Lots of updates this week.
I used to want to be enough for you.
I know you aren’t who you’ve become with me. There is a light in you that I don’t have the power to turn on. I know that I at least tried, and I know that I’m tired.
What you’ve done to me has done something to me. I, too, have become someone else. Someone who has the strength to choose herself. Someone with love, who knows what effort is and makes it. The anxiety is still there, but it hits differently when it’s not matters of the heart.
You’re not leaving anything behind. You’re moving toward something.
I need to get you off my mind, but I can’t. And I’m making myself physically sick every time I remember that you obviously don’t choose me and instead him. Yes, I’m glad to still be your best friend, but I hate not being able to be more. I at least wanted a chance with you, but I feel like I’ve ruined it all. I want to be around you, yet I almost can’t stand to be.
Life is crazy … you came back into my life, only to show me, once again, why you don’t deserve to be in it. Thank you for the memories, but I’m good on you!