Just remember the person who hurts you, is the person who needs the most healing and any words they project onto you, is a reflection on themselves.
Down memory lane on Jasmine Street, of banana-yellow and cherry-red houses with pictureless frames, sat a small sour apple green house in the heart of Sugary Sweets. Cotton candy clouds soared through the pink and purple sky, as dusk approached, waning, so was my relationship with my friends.
Silly arguments spewed almost every time we got together, but that’s how it was supposed to be at first. A getaway from things that weren’t so silly and couldn’t harm me if I didn’t stay in place. Now they’ve traveled and I’m starting to think maybe I’m just the problem.
The story of two against one spiraled into a conspiracy that stuck out thorns and rooted itself deep within our homes.
Seated at the bed, laughter from peachy faces and swirly smiles filled the room with delight, soft music accompanied. Hours and hours of rather odd occurrences went around but not a single story was heard as my friends and I obnoxiously talked over one another with our mouths stuffed of heart shaped powdered cookies.
It was moments like this I’d adore most, but when the fun was over and their laughter came to a close, their thoughts weren’t so nice anymore.
“You guys are always saying it’s a joke this and it’s a joke that but never take accountability for your actions!!” Troye was at our throats with another catastrophe.
“What are you talking about? You said you weren’t even talking to me and to +@=!@.” Syre argued.
“Why did you throw his stuff?” I interrupted their bickering.
“Because he kept hitting me!”
“What are you talking about? I never hit you.”
“Well, you kept grabbing my shirt, so there’s that.”
“How—whatever. I’m going home.” Syre got up from the bed and grabbed his bag.
“Wait! No, stop—"I turned back to Troye—"that isn’t even an excuse. Not even a good one at that, he didn’t hit you.”
“Yes it is, and if you can’t see that then that is bullshit!” Everyone’s trying to feed me their disgusting ways, and I’m starting to feel sick.
“I read what you said and I mean..I can’t stop you, but I was never a bad friend to you..” It was the overly selective shit that got me. I couldn’t decipher between if they were a changed person or if the opportunity to prove otherwise, simply had not arrived yet.
“All because you can’t comprehend the fact..” They didn’t know what to do with someone who could understand them without agreeing to them. Always out to make someone else seem crazy.
Recurring thought: But this had to be normal because these were my friends and friends always get into arguments like this, right?
Angry faces and sunken frowns barged from the house since neither arguments were heard and would’ve only continued until we all left.
I huffed and puffed as I marched back to home.
“Telling me I’m not giving him the same ‘energy’, what energy is he expecting? Sure as hell not going to be sweet because that’s not what he giving, and it’s because he’s a little boy who won’t get his head out of his ass!!” Right on cue, my temper had ran short—I almost felt inclined to get angry.
“..Maybe I am doing something wrong…” In my room with knees to my chest, I rambled on and on about my despair.
“Oh! What will I ever do without my friends?! I need my friends!—” I cried out—"and it was going so well. It shouldn’t be like this, I don’t want it to be like this!!“ I get that I can’t save everyone but not if they were my friends, I needed my friends.
"It can’t end like this!”
The ending, long overdue, it’s almost been a year since I’ve left. I remember exactly how I felt that day too. Thinking, ’Do I really want to go through this all over again?’
It is quiet now, lonely even, but it’s better this way.
© blugrlsdreams. all rights reserved. do not plagiarize or modify.
Take your old life. Put a line through it. 💋🖕🏻
Post scripts to breakup Vows
My wish this year
Is that I would live this life
Run bare foot in the stream,
Taste ecstatic joy after a bad bad dream,
Look both backwards and forward in my life
And never again think of you.
And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me
And maybe I’ll have to live with that
And maybe…just maybe,
That will be okay
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Wish I could turn back time
I’d hug you tighter,
Kiss you harder,
Fuck you slower.
I’d tell you that love is
That our love is
Wish I could dive in that sunset
I’d love you more,
I’d make you want to stay.
Cause you said forever,
Now I drive alone past your street.
I think the hardest part of this whole thing is picking the pieces up after. Even after 7 months with a person, you forget some parts of yourself since you’re so caught up with the other person. Trying to regain some footing after a 2 week tailspin was difficult, unbearable at times. However, rediscovering who I am is like finding a lost treasure, or replaying a favorite video game. Falling back in love with the things that make me who I am is an absolute joy: my nostalgia, my love for cooking, coming of age stories, and the deep love for my friends. These were all parts of me that I had forgotten about or actively suppressed when my heart shattered.
Sure I have to smooth out the sharp edges still left: abandonment issues, emotional neediness, selfishness. But they are not what defines me. I cherish my bonds, all of them; the ones I still have and the ones I have safely put away. The way I care for them is what defines me. My desire to be understood and to understand others is what defines me. My ability to survive is what defines me. I am loyal, kind, caring, dedicated, hardworking, and inventive. I matter. The things I do matter. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If someone doesn’t want that, then that’s their loss, but the difficult thing is accepting that someone who embraced everything I am, doesn’t want me anymore.
I will always be too much for a man who doesn’t know how
I used to often think of you loving someone else. I’d lose my breath, my chest would tighten, my heart would break.
Until one day I had a sudden realisation; all I ever wanted when I was yours was your happiness.
And although the distance between us has changed, that shouldn’t have. So find love my dear. Let your soul fill with happiness till it pours over.
Not only for you but for the parts of you that still live in my heart.
I am still glad I left.
It’s been a while, no, more than a while. If you could see me now, you may say that you are no longer a part of me but that’s a lie. LIE.
With nothing to hold, I taught myself to get up from nothing at all or maybe that’s what I know. The accomplishments and shortcomings I encountered let my mind and body work without thinking that the time passed by without you beside me. Thanks to those times that my heart wasn’t able to reminisce the past, if there was to call.
Bravery is scariest but to be in guilt was deadliest. That I didn’t know before but experiencing it now makes me want to go back. When crying for no reason was not real. When remembering makes me want to forget. When admitting is too late. When time has no longer a place.
Here comes the moment that I forgot myself in the process because you were no longer there to remind me of my importance. I can’t blame my inability to move even a single step forward and even my exhaustion to you. I’m really sorry if I made you feel unlovable, actually I was the one who is not deserving for yours.
Why does it hurt me so.