Sometimes, being alone is the upgrade.
How would you describe yourself?
…Hoping for a overnight success in the field of programming is myth….You will get perfection only by your dedication & relentlessness……/:-))))
And after it all there I was standing with the flowers he had given to me carrying it around with me in its glass vase. One day I tripped and it slipped from my hands and I tried desperately to pick up the piece as if each piece was a beautiful happy memory and I found myself with cuts all over my hands and I kept trying finally realizing it wasn’t worth it and I was hurting myself by dwelling on the past so I got up and planted myself my own garden and didn’t dwell on my past because it was right where it belonged and I was where I belonged in my garden full of my own flowers
And I know nights go just like people do and there is nothing I can do about it, but what I would give if I could. It’s hard to get up in the morning knowing life goes on but it’s just not the same—and it won’t be the same. And it hurts to be stuck here with these memories when they’re the only thing that stayed when you left.
And I know that someday I will make it out of here. I trust that time will help me forget and that time will heal. The skies always promise that someday will be better and I know it will—but maybe not today.
Just not today.
My walls melt in your gaze.
Usually I don’t do this but I figured this is my blog after all and I should use to help me heal. The healing journey begun a long time go but it’s time to take it to another level.
This is my declaration, of taking control.
OF MAKING THE DECISION AND
I AM CHOOSING ME.
AND MOVING THE FUCK ON
I wish my love for you was like flower petals it would have been so easy for me to let you go.
But what you don’t understand, my love for you is as strong as a willow tree. There roots grow deep to find the water they need to survive, and no matter how far or deep the water is the roots will grow to reach. They will grow lengths just to reach it.
And thats how deep my love was for you.
I’ve been slowly trying to let go. I’ve been pulling back all the love I gave. Its been two years now. And I’m not even half way there yet. But I’ll get there.
It’s important to grieve
It’s good - I dare say important - to grieve the loss of people in your life. Even if this loss wasn’t caused my a death. People come and go from our lives. Whether it’s suddenly or gradually, one at a time or all at once, your choice or theirs. The bottom line is that someone who was once important to you is no longer in your life… and you have to grieve. Cry on your floor for 15 minutes. Get into your car, close the door, and scream as loud as you can before you start it. Talk with the people who are currently in your life and let them help you. Let yourself grieve. Then let yourself move forward.
I don’t wanna have any thoughts anymore. There’s no way to stop them. I’ve tried everything, drinking, drugs, sleep. Drinking and drugs just make me remember that I’m trying to forget even more. I’m haunted by nightmares in my sleep. Nothing helps. The only way out is death.
“ι ƒєєℓ ѕσмє м є м σ я ι є ѕ ƒ α ∂ ι η g αωαу, ι кησω тнαт м у ѕ σ υ ℓ ιѕ ѕтαятιηg тσ ¢ н α η g є .”
I don’t pine for you anymore, at least, today I didn’t.
I pine for what you have with her, what the two of you have together.
I envy the amalgamation of your separate lives, the twisting together of your futures.
I sat and listened to you talk about furniture this evening, all the odd bits and pieces that you were planning to bring from your separate houses into the one home you’ll share six months from now, and I thought I envied her.
I thought old feelings of resentment and jealousy were stirring again.
but then I thought some more as I was driving home, realised that I envy you both for having a future in which someone is by your side.
so as the cold streetlights passed me by in the empty streets of this empty town, I felt the weight of my own loneliness seep into my bones, wrap its clawed fingers around my shoulders, sink into my heart.
the loneliness that I had dismissed not one day prior.
I am so envious of the tangibility of your future, the fact that you two can envision his desk, your bed, those bookshelves and that lounge being packed into his car to move cross country with you both, ready for your new home.
you worry about having matching bedside tables in your bedroom while I fear, I know, that my dusty old mugs and potted plants may be the only thing I have when I leave.
because I am so crushingly alone, and I am petrified of being on my own.
I envy, so very much, the fact that even if you can’t get his desk up the stairs to your new home, or even if it costs just too much to buy a fridge on your own, or even if your new house burns down, you will have each other.
i will leave a familiar world where I feel unlovable to be incredibly alone in an unfamiliar world.
you future is so tangible together, and some small part of me still wishes that it was with me, not her, but the rest of me is happy for you.
I am happy for you.
- g. borne
Just vibing to myself about how nice it’d be if I was swinging by my neck rn.
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Everytime you walk away from the relationship, you feel like you are missing out on the person when really you’re just missing their presence in your life.
If they are running out of time with you, show them that until they do something about it.
If they don’t do anything about it, then that is your sign that when you do walk away you won’t be missing out on a damn thing.
It is possible to move on. Take it one day at a time.