Maria Eduarda Vieira
Maria Eduarda Vieira
That I'm not stroking a trans girl's dick as I breed her is a travesty.
I fail, what can I do to pass my class teacher.
My body never felt comfortable to me, it’s actually strange to me to think of people’s bodies as their homes and not some heavy armour they carry around. That’s a feeling that is very hard to shake off, feeling like your body is an armour. After years performing as a man, but just one year and a half on hormones, I can say I am more aware of my body – of its desires, its shapes and its limits – however, I’m still not comfortable. Still not at home.
I remember when I was a child, about 8 years old, our family went to my grandparents’ house, and one day my parents were preparing my little brother and I to go to the beach (sun-scream and such) and my father told how was the “proper way” to fold your penis in your swim-trunks. A weird thing for a child to remember, but basically, I remembered that I used to tuck my dick ever since I was eight. I never noticed it. I never questioned it. And certainly nobody ever felt the need to. Only in 2020, on my first year of hormonal transition (oh, I haven’t yet forgiven that my first year of transition is also the first year of the pandemic!) I began to feel the amount of gender dysphoria that made me start hating my penis, hating it as an organ but also as a symbol.
Will I never not want a new body? Will this body ever be enough for me? Will it ever not constrict me? I’ll leave this global mess with a new body and no idea of what I want to do with my life. Many things before I thought would make me happy, or at least satisfied, now seem empty. I want small things, things everybody seem to have: to be okay with my own body (for once!), to live my sexuality wholly, not to have to take so much medication to simply function as a human being, to have a real relationship, to just be a girl. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my girlhood by mental illness and gender normativity. I want it back. I want to be a girl. I think I deserve it.
In January 2020, when I was less than one month into HRT, I followed a friend’s advice and went to the coast of Brazil to see the Atlantic Ocean, and barely would I know that would be the last time I would see the sea before being locked at home more than 5.000 km from the coast. I hugged the ocean, got in the salty water with my clothes on and left my body there. Where we all came from, where we all will end, the greatest cemetery.
That year, I became aware of different things about myself, but I don’t really think the hormones or the pandemic actually created anything in me, but they both twisted and shook some habits I never had paid much attention to. I’m constantly anxious around people, and I always had been. I have always been like a depersonalized performance of myself, or someone I thought to be myself. “Do they know?”, “what are they thinking?”, echoes in my head as I enter into ultra-alert. Oh, don’t think I mind, I’m a good performer, but performing all the time feels tiring. People tire me. Reading the room over and over tires me.
Sex never made sense to me, it never felt pleasurable to me either. I don’t really think I ever wanted it, although I tried a couple of times. I wasn’t equipped with the right things, you see? I was too busy trying to be a man to notice. It has always felt theatrical and depersonalized, and even in masturbation and imagination – how can I fantasize about myself having sex if I can’t even imagine how my own body actually is? - Until I had this body, a estrogen-run body, and I can tell you that for the first time my sexuality started to make sense. I started not only to look different but to feel different and things started to feel differently to me. But this new sort of freedom was short-lived when I developed one kind of gender dysphoria that left me panicked, anxious, depressed and acting like an asshole. I don’t want a penis anymore, I conclude. Though I’m still reluctant to admit that, and the idea of undergoing the surgery fills me with dread. A chick with a dick is very chic, y’know? I just wish I could make my own amends with it. And not feel incomplete, or an alien to myself.
Or not have my own body weaponized against me.
In detriment of it, of this constantly present and constantly big anxiety, I drove away someone I fell in love with, someone that I’m sure loves me, and I ended up hurting him and, in many ways, hurting myself too. All because I couldn’t let myself be and live that it wanted be to live, I couldn’t do it even though I really wished to be able to.
Now into a new estradiol prescription that I’ll be with it for about 6 months, I’ve been taking 6mg of estrogen for two weeks and my nipples hurt already, which I see it as a good sign. I see these six months to come as some trial for me to think whether or not I want to invest my life into removing my penis and turning it inside out to make a neo-vagina. It doesn’t help that all the pictures on google look like a butcher’s table.
If I do go onto the butcher’s table and really go through with his surgery, I want to go to the ocean. I want to drive towards the Pacific Ocean, either in Chile or Peru, I want to dive into that freezing dark blue water that runs to bathe the Galapagos. I want the ocean to take that part of me. I want to feel close to God, if there’s one, closer to nature, to feel like I’m a part of it and that I’m alive. I’m alive. I don’t want power, because I know I’m powerful already. I want freedom.
I detest how many cis people center the amount of attraction they have to trans people. I hate how many cis people say, "you used to be so pretty/so handsome before! Are you sure you're making the right decision?" when they see that a trans person is transitioning.
So many cis people center themselves in a trans person's life without once considering that that trans person was most certainly miserable as they were. It doesn't matter how trans people feel to those cis people because they only care about how we cater to them.
Trans people don't exist to please cis people. Our happiness matters more than transphobia. We deserve to have the opportunity to live life the way we want to.
All of my top posts are me in red... coincidence?
Rear look taken today, my black bikini swimwear.
I am in love with trans people with LoZ icons. I see you in my notes and want to tenderly hold your hand.
the pets who only like/dislike a specific gender are the true trans allies
Claire getting a queen AND king card...... Bigender af
Trans people belong in feminism. The patriarchy affects every single transgender person REGARDLESS of their sex or their gender. The history of transgender rights activism and the feminist movement have had a long and storied affair together, and the advocacy from both feminism and trans people in feminism has made such a big impact on every single person today. The trans community is incomplete without feminism, and feminism is incomplete when it does not include trans people.
Liberation from patriarchy is critical for everybody - and trans people are no exception.
My Modern Horizons 2 tokens are now available on my etsy! Come check them out if you're interested!
Lazy grocery shopping outfit
Your Best Decision EVER
i havent posted anything in awhile but happy pride month yall! and, very much in me fashion imma take this time ta make another informational post! this installment is called
assimilation, what is it?
assimilation is a deliberate effort made by a minority/ marginalized group to (instead of become free) join the majority/privledged, which is wildly more accesible ta abled nuerotypical cis white lgb folks.
now, how does that apply ta th queer community? before that, we hafta look at th stark distinction between th LGBT community and th QUEER community.
because sadly its now different
imma make this as short as possible but basically,
despite its intentions when it was formed decades ago, th LGBT communiy an th way it functions is percieved is different. case in point, th term LGBT has been heavily gentrified and commodified especially by corporations tryina sell it to non-lgbt audiences. youll notice a majority of LGBT voices an advocates are usually white cis lgb ppls or are assimilationists. th term LGBT aswell has been heavily diluted and decontexualized from its roots, such as fightin for rights wit riots an demonstrations, bein heavily tied wit black an indigenous liberation, socialist ideals and memorializing th struggle for our freedom. its also (as apart of its gentrification) is bein forced ta be more 'family friendly' in an effort of control an ta make cash off of us an further assimilate us.
the QUEER community is a somewhat niche nowadays as it sticks fairly close ta th original goals as th LGBT community once had. such as wantin an willin ta fight for liberation rather than succumb ta assimilation. its also seen as a threat as it directly challenges th authority (capitlism, cops/military, goverment, white supremacy, fascism) for its mistreatment an oppresion against queer ppl and other marginalized groups. if th LGBT community is th privledged assimilations that can be proffited off of, then th queer community is more alike 'outcasts' or 'rejects' that arent as palatable ta a cishet majority ie; trans women/ trans/queer ppls of colour, more radicalized queer folks, or those impoverished.
so, with that said, how has/does assimilation harm queer ppl?
as i said, assimilation is disspraportionatly accesible ta able-bodied, neurotypical, cis, non-poor white LGB ppls (shocker) meaning th majority of queer poc, trans people, impoverished, and diasbaled/neurodivergent folks get left behind and continuosly stomped on in an attempt ta eradicate us. and it should be noted theres 2 types of assimilation
1. forced assimilation; forced assimilation is where marginalized ppls thru cultural eradication/genocide r forced ta strip themselves of their identity an join th majority which results in oppresion, discrimination, an further erasure of th ppls themselves. this is heavily seen within th queer community wit th AIDS crisis where those who survived were later branded as 'brave' by th very system that sought their demise in th first place, leavin our community in shambles.
2. chosen assimilation; chosen assimilation is where usually a small group/ or a singular person will disregard their people in an a attempt ta be spared from oppresion or discrimination. in terms of queer ppl (especially trans folks) th main contendors r blair white, kalvin garrah, an buck angel. blair is a stellar example of attempted assimilation. she not only rejetcs, but constantly puts her own people on blast publicly ta her audince of white cishet conservatives an (more often than not) fascists. not only that but she deliberatly associates wit th very ppl who seek her erasure an oppresion in an assbackwards attempt at salvation. more concrete examples include 1. showin herself as 'one of th good ones' or 'normal' 2. acting as if shes cishet 3. constantly self-hating ta appease those mentioned above 4. spewing dangerous an misinormed rhetoric aimed at trans ppls which directly affects trans poc an non-passing trans women. next, kalvin garrah. i was gonna write a whole thing on him but instead ill (below) link copshatemoe's videos about him.
so, now that we know how assimilation both forced an personal harms queer ppls in general, what about trans ppls an th trans community?
transmedicalism is a belif system of sorts that follows ideals such as
beliving trans ppls must be suffering from dysphoria to be trans
a trans person must want to transition to be trans
being trans is a mental illness/ neurological condition/ birth defect cause by unbalanced horomone levels or th existence of "male and female brains"
belivies HRT or surgerys are a 'cure' for dysphoria/ 'transness'
that neopronouns or non-lesbian, gay, bisexual, or binary trans folks are invalid or 'wannabes' who see th "lgbt community as a club of sorts to join jus because"
borderline or blatant rascist, transmysoginistic, ableist rhetoric.
intentional or not, that assimilation is key an becomin 'as close ta bein cis as possible' is th goal of transition.
now, i could spend ages rantin about how these belifs are blatently wrong but however rather than disecting them lets jus go over th direct harm these belifs have caused th trans community.
lets start wit nonbinary folks. nowadays as ive seen transmedicalism has become more open ta acceptin nonbinary folks but regardless they were one of th first punchin bags. since bein nonbinary in any facet isnt exactly 'medically sustained' its already seen as bullshit, but past that it opens th gates for neoprounouns an non-convetional identitys. enby ppls would be attacked constantly or called "trenders" in an attempt ta discourage them from even existing. this 'highschool bully' type of mentality along wit th superiority complex behind transmedicalism created a stark divide between "normal" trans ppls an th "weirdo, faker" trans ppls. not only did these attacks further stigmatize an already oppresed minority but also forced ppl ta hide themselves from they own community ta avoid ridicule an bullying. this type of harrasment has left these ppls wit trauma an fear of they identity bein challenged not only online but also in IRL queer spaces while they already hafta stay hypervigilant around cis ppl, now it seems th same around binary trans folks. not only have nonbinary ppls have been impacted however, binary trans ppls were left wit insecurities, wonderin if they dysphoria is 'rlly that bad compared ta others' and worrying about things they usually didnt care about. probably th biggest of those is 'passing'. passing is th action of looking as cis as possible ta blend in an avoid general treatments sustained by cishet ppls. i as a transwomen was directly affected by this rhetoric which caused me years of my transition spent not becomin myself, but becomin as close ta a cis girl as possible. this lead me ta become embarresed by my own community also factored in by havin virtually no trans friends IRL. this was th shared experince of many binary trans folks an nonbinary trans folks i know an am friends with. in conclusion, transmedicalsim has not only ostrasized an traumatized queer folks, but has also left insecurities an damage ta binaty trans folks aswell.
so, with that in mind, how do we combat, well, all of this an much more?
liberation is th action of freeing a marginalized group from its oppresive chains. an how would this look/work for th queer community?
majority of cishet ppls think that queer liberation ended wit marriage equality but thats very much not true. multiple basic human freedoms have been stripped from not only cis lgb queers but also trans people aswell. rights such as affordable housing witout discrimination, medical options for trans people being completly accesible or downright free, safe spaces or areas where were able ta exist free of fear of persecution or discrimination, better healthcare treatment towards queer ppl, things sometimes neccisary ta ones transition bein more accesible such as name/document changes, and many more things. but remember, none of this is possible witout ingigenous liberation/land back, black liberation, or under capitlism
anyways, i have 0 way ta end this so happy pride month an a very happy juneteenth!! if ur black ur more than welcome ta leave any gofundmes, cashapps, venmos etc in th notes or reblogs!
also, if you have any additions or points/topics i shouldve made or covered pls reblog wit them!