Resilience in children, hope and strength and unwavering belief in their fated success, also cheeriness and sunshine and mental resilience
“You shouldn’t make people if you’re just going to abandon them.”
Strength and mental stability to straighten up and produce for a kid who needs you… Scared of that responsibility again bc I don’t think I’m that strong anymore, not strong enough to make moves. But it comes doesn’t it, when you need it? When the moment comes, your strength is there mostly because you’ve got no other option. Not even breaking down and giving up is an option bc the kid’s right there. The kid’s always going to be there and that’s why you can’t ever stop going, because he’s always looking up at you and waiting. There is no cheating life, the responsibility is there forever and it’s yours all the time. You must become it once again.
I suppose I shouldn’t be scared. I’ve gotten used to the idea of stability and freedom, and therefore everything feels wrong, like I’m so lucky and fortunate and it’s unjust, and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and just return me to a world where I’m treated like shit and I’m invisible and I don’t matter, like where I belong. And then I have to remind myself that maybe that’s a fake reality that was drilled into me and the world isn’t really going to end up that way for me, but then I remember all the bad things that happened and all the terrible things that are happening to people around me all the time and I remember that sometimes safety is a delusion that we indulge to feel better and when we don’t prepare during times of peace, then we set ourselves up for slaughter when the chopping block starts. And so I feel worse every time I don’t work on my survival skills or check my surroundings until it’s morning, or lock myself up at night to make sure no one has access to me, because that’s some paranoia and anxiety that could save my life someday and instead I’ve decided to just up and heal and go to therapy like my threats weren’t ever real and like they’ll never come back. Someday.