#my Tumblr posts

  • Resilience in children, hope and strength and unwavering belief in their fated success, also cheeriness and sunshine and mental resilience

    “You shouldn’t make people if you’re just going to abandon them.”

    Strength and mental stability to straighten up and produce for a kid who needs you… Scared of that responsibility again bc I don’t think I’m that strong anymore, not strong enough to make moves. But it comes doesn’t it, when you need it? When the moment comes, your strength is there mostly because you’ve got no other option. Not even breaking down and giving up is an option bc the kid’s right there. The kid’s always going to be there and that’s why you can’t ever stop going, because he’s always looking up at you and waiting. There is no cheating life, the responsibility is there forever and it’s yours all the time. You must become it once again.

    I suppose I shouldn’t be scared. I’ve gotten used to the idea of stability and freedom, and therefore everything feels wrong, like I’m so lucky and fortunate and it’s unjust, and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and just return me to a world where I’m treated like shit and I’m invisible and I don’t matter, like where I belong. And then I have to remind myself that maybe that’s a fake reality that was drilled into me and the world isn’t really going to end up that way for me, but then I remember all the bad things that happened and all the terrible things that are happening to people around me all the time and I remember that sometimes safety is a delusion that we indulge to feel better and when we don’t prepare during times of peace, then we set ourselves up for slaughter when the chopping block starts. And so I feel worse every time I don’t work on my survival skills or check my surroundings until it’s morning, or lock myself up at night to make sure no one has access to me, because that’s some paranoia and anxiety that could save my life someday and instead I’ve decided to just up and heal and go to therapy like my threats weren’t ever real and like they’ll never come back. Someday.

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  • I’m starting to understand that as infinite a possibility is for human beings to change, people are static and stubborn people. It takes a huge, revolutionary experience to transform a person, and even then it is forced upon before it is ever validated internally. A person’s mindset and philosophy aren’t so easily transferred. They are the things that guide their actions and judgements.

    I forgot how heavy the weight of my old life was. I forgot how it took something akin to death and birth to ever even turn my head to another way of life. To change one’s perception of reality itself is a radical thing. It is not done willfully, not voluntarily at first. To see another way of interpreting life is impossible unless your old way is proven wrong many times, enough to shake your entire worldview completely. I have forgotten what it took for me to transform, and I lay that expectation of change, on everybody else. And I think I’m so enlightened but I forget where I came from and how I even got here. That radical, miraculous, transformative change.

    Walking the halls of the masjid late at night and knowing God was going to tell me something. Living through the city those months and feeling the fact that I would be forced to come out, soon. Walking along the pavement and suddenly knowing that I would see her soon, Here. Being haunted by the ghost of my happier self, before trauma ripped life from me. Staring at the person who gave me bread that night and watching my world crumble. The liquid nature of the universe suddenly, as things began shifting and transforming around me, along with my soul, slipping like sand. Everything breaking down and crumbling, realigning itself, trying to find form, structure, around the things I sensed in the world, unsure what was real anymore.

    These things, none of these things, were light or easy. Trauma, PTSD, abuse, my survivor self, my childhood self, finding peace with myself, discovering kindness, my fight for stability, releasing the chains of trauma, working through my triggers and panic attacks, coming out to myself, feeling God with my own revelation, understanding things for the first time, developing empathy, reinterpreting life…. All those things took incredible, radical change that could not be done without earth shaking events.

    Change isn’t easy for people. However our capacity for it is infinite. I’m done wondering why everyone hasn’t reached the same understandings that I have. Such earth shattering change comes at its own pace for people, especially with trauma or the world itself, and each person goes through their own journey, and has their own process. The best you can be for them is a home as they sort themselves out, a sounding board as they go through it, a place of support and safety as they navigate through life before they get to the end of who they are meant to be. Understand that you can’t force someone else’s development. You can only provide for them a home and some guidance. That is all. Because comprehension isn’t something you can force onto people. There are different times for different understandings. Not all information hits people at the same time. Not everything is the right time to click for someone. Everyone has their own journey they’re going on. Get that you can’t force their process. Simply humble yourself and let yourself be more of a bystander in their life rather than stealing their agency and hoping to somehow infuse your own comprehension to them. Just give them a place to be and a place to process. The end

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  • Maybe the best thing you can be for someone is their sounding board, a home to come back to.

    By giving them the freedom to be anything, you learn more than you ever could about who they are. The freedom of choice and the absolute acceptance of whatever it is for themselves. The permission to be as they like with you, and feel as they like. That freedom reveals some crazy unexpected things about people, if you only learn to let them be themselves, or provide them a sounding board to be themselves. Don’t manage what people want or feel. Just let them be whomever they want, and they will reveal themselves to you.

    I guess it’s the acceptance part without the work. It’s love in a sense. I guess it always was. When you tell a person it’s ok to feel whatever, when you give them hope, and when you allow them to be and to have flaws in front of you without judgement, without expectation, when you accept the endless possibilities they could be and provide them the space, a home, to show themselves, then they express who they are without filter. And it’s beautiful.

    And it doesn’t require any falseness on your part. You just have to accept that there are truths that unveil themselves the more you allow someone to be, the more you observe and let silence linger, the more freedom you give them from decision making, the more you want to give them a safe space.

    Understand that it’s ok to be or to feel anything. And then you’re good. And let people blow your mind when you stop limiting them with expectations or burdening them with judgements of people.

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  • Stop Managing people. Grant them their agency. And you grant yourself Respect.

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  • I feel like all of life I have been fighting to detangle complicated webs of conflict or unravel problems and fix each one, simplifying messes and extricating solutions. That has been my job all my life and it’s always about reaching into complicated situations, social dynamics, and impossible conflicts, and somehow doing everything in my power to make sure everyone comes out of it alright– despite the fact that the people themselves don’t care themselves about reconciling or solving their own life problems. It’s like for so long I’ve been serving networks of people physically, mentally, emotionally, balancing every element of life for them by analyzing the situation and figuring out every which way to make things work. All for free. And all because i can see that fools can make anything bigger, complicated, worse… Sometimes they’ll purposefully add fuel to a raging fire because it makes them feel big, important, “special”… I guess since they have no real talents of their own. All it takes is attention or chaos to boost their ego, because it’s easy and it tears others down. I hate people like this. They destroy rather than create and equate that to value.

    I have spent all my life putting out fires without stepping in fires, creating new ones, or offending the people involved, so that we could actually find solutions and execute plans. So we could Achieve something in life. I couldn’t go forward if everyone around me was stuck in the mire.

    Now I get that maybe intelligence grants me responsibility, but I really don’t have to take up the mantle of leadership and solve everyone’s problems if I don’t want to, if they only ever drag me down, if they never want to actually solve their problems. Sometimes people live off their own misery and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sometimes it’s best to just look at yourself, solve your own life, and move on. Independently. It feels selfish to stop helping when you know you can and they need it. But eventually you need to learn who you are besides the people you care about. And eventually you need to stand up for the self that you don’t ever prioritize over the convoluted mess that society throws over itself. Step away, and free yourself.

    Love shouldn’t feel like a weapon someone else uses on you.

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  • My body: begs me to sleep throughout the day

    Also my body, as soon as nighttime hits:

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