A sentiment I saw a while ago which I'm now consciously trying to follow
A sentiment I saw a while ago which I'm now consciously trying to follow
my mom told me god was punishing me. He destroyed his future. It was broken before I got here. Dont stop. Please come home. My life would be so much easier if i could read your mind. That was a disappointment. At the time i thought it was good to be chained to this monster. I like the fuzzy ones. What is wrong with him? What are you still doing here? I cant live with this thing. Is there a problem here? I was hoping you would notice. Please dont take this place away from me. I need a vacation. What do you want me to say? Its all downhill from here. I'll never finish. We have something special. I hope you're happy when I die. This is the best birthday present ever. I live alone. This is blasphemy! Just going for a short walk. Why didnt you love me back? You wont use this, I know. Sometimes I lie ... God bless you. Maybe this time itl happen. I dont see you. It's only complicated when you make it complicated. I've been trying for you. Listen; I'll be waiting. Tell me something extra nice. You're too predictable. I only love you when I'm drunk. I dont have a headache. No one can know. Stuck in the clouds. Dont look into their eyes. It's too late now. This is my air ... I want more. THANKS FOR NOTHING ...
💙 Monday I woke up at five-ish and then was actually able to go back to sleep￼
💕 Kiddo and I cooked pancakes with blueberries and bacon for breakfast to celebrate the first weekday of summer break￼, which is to say, celebrating a season we both will actually get to relax￼
💚 Hula hooped
📚 emailed statistics professor about getting him those last two assignments over the next couple weeks and got the AOK on that￼￼
✨Got an A on my lit review, which means an A in the class❣️￼￼
📚 wrote my grad department to see if there’s anything else I should be doing application wise, but there’s not. Apparently I’ll be hearing from them next week whenever someone important￼ gets back from vacation￼
🧡 had my research team meeting
🧡 gave my updated hours
📚 had a meeting with my caseworker about my letter for the scholarship￼. Trying not to stress out about that. She can’t guarantee anything, but is￼ optimistic it’ll go well.￼￼
⭐️ called the vet about a quote￼
💕 had another movie night. Pulled down the projector screen. ￼ Theaters are overrated. ￼ i’m a little amused by the passage of time, realizing that Jurassic Park 2 is an ‘old movie’ for Kiddo in the same way I once thought of The Blob. We are all sprawled about the sectional, lounging under throw blankets, reaching our hands into an enormous￼ bowl of popcorn￼. There’s a pile of starburst wrappers gathering on the coffee table. GSD stole her spot on the couch, so ￼Kiddo scoots over to RB and me. She makes cheeky commentary throughout the movie, but we still jump as a raptor almost snags the little girl from under a door. Your first ‘scary movies’ are a right of passage￼.￼￼￼
💙 had a session with my counselor, which left me contemplative
I didn’t know what good diving into my trauma narrative would do, but I also know, not for lack of efforts, that I’ve tried everything from my own tool-belt with inconsistent results.
So we’re working on my cycle: doing fine, steady pace, then something happens ( disability stuff, Mom stuff, Life stuff) that messes up my groove where I find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul until eventually burning my candle from both ends catches up with me..￼￼￼￼ eventually I crash then go into an avoidant state to various degrees where mentally, but also physiologically I do not want to do anything that will bring on the anxiety and depression. ￼so… I don’t heh. then… something else will happen that creates an urgent scenario where I rise to the occasion. ￼
￼Counselor identifies this as a trauma response, not just an anxious burnout/procrastination cycle￼. ￼
After some discussion I realize my slippery slope is that as my acute stress becomes chronic, a feeling of drowning, despair, awareness no help is coming hits.. at a certain point I don’t ‘give up’, but let myself float, gathering my strength, because I don’t feel i have it in me to keep going.￼ I can stay in that place for a long time. Eventually as I start to feel better I’ll make bits of inconsistent progress, frustrated with myself, trying to pull myself out of the anxiety and depression sludge.. ￼ unfortunately, what I am able to achieve is small compared to the hourglass and what needs to be done. Suddenly something will happen where it’s sink or swim and I will use that adrenaline, a contempt for my mother as fuel. An intense desire to not let my anxiety and depression ruin my, our life like she did over and over.￼.. then I slay the dragon.
On the bright side, I have a history of slaying the dragons in the end￼, but I don’t want to be up and down my whole life riding adrenaline.￼ One of these days I won’t be able to save my ass in the last 15 minutes of the game. ￼this last dragon, rescuing my GPA and future, could’ve been an absolute disaster with serious, long-term ramifications.
I need to find a better way ‘to be.￼￼￼’.
I don’t know what to do with this newfound self-awareness. Many people lean on spirituality, but I’m essentially an atheist.￼￼￼￼￼ “Don’t let life get chronically stressful’ isn’t a realistic strategy. I mean, I’ve done all sorts of organization, time management stuff, preemptive planning stuff, ￼which helps keep my little boat afloat most of the time even through rough waters, but I know there are limits to my locus of control. ￼￼Pragmatically, I take this as a cue to put extra effort into forming a support system, but I’ve been trying to do that for years without much success.￼ 🤔 ￼
I wrote this in my journal today. I'd really appreciate y'all reading it and telling me your views about it! 🖤
upcoming themes for jupiter retrograde in pisces, 20.6.21 via astromatrix✨
I am getting into plants, but my monstera already looks like it’s suffering? Underwatering could be the problem. Oops. I want my studio to be filled with plants, plants, plants. What am I doing now? On my way to buy a plant.
I quit powerlifting because I don’t have the time to train BUT I have been waking up at 5am to do some running so A for effort.
the sunshine has set the tone just right
procrastinating getting out of bed this morning because when I do I have to do schoolwork :///
how do i exist more in the genshin fandom
15th June, 2021.
Me gusta andar desnuda por toda la casa, me gusta ponerme como.. tu presa fácil.
Me gusta cuando me sigue tu mirada laciva, me encanta saber que te mueres por tocarme y saborear cada parte de mí, a mi me delatan los pezones y a ti el caramelo que tanto disfruta mi boca.
Nuestras ganas no se extinguen en la cama, solo se avivan para continuar en la silla o rodar por el piso o seguirme hasta la cocina, solo tu sabes que me gusta así, rudo y salvaje como si quisieras acabarme en cada embestida, como si fuera la última vez que vas a tenerme, comerme o recorrerme. Yo también disfruto con cada gemido que sale de tu boca, con cada mueca que delata el placer que recibes de mi cuerpo, y con cada idea loca que recrea mi mente.
Mi deseo crece a cada contracción, con cada succión de tu boca, con cada roce de tu lengua y con cada caricia urgente. Dices que te encanta mi sabor, dices también las cosas que ponen el ambiente más ardiente, mi sangre más caliente y te preparas para verme explotar y terminar rendida sobre tu cuerpo empapado de fluidos y sudor..
Me gusta someterme a esa independencia de decencia y moral, me gusta ser tu pecado y tu redención. Me gusta ser tu mujer a cualquier hora del día, en todas las posiciones, las veces que despiertes mi libido, esa parte felina de mi femineidad, sin inhibiciónes ni pudores me entrego con gusto al placer que me da tu virilidad.
Porque me gustas. Porque solo soy contigo y de ti.
everything feels so boring to me. I want to do something else, I want to go somewhere new, but I have no idea what that is, because this boredom won’t fade no matter what.
every mentally healthy person: damn, joy division is the most depressing thing i’ve ever heard
me, who has been listening to them for months: haha. yeah.
GOD,,,, another her dream
THATS THE SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST'S JOB AND IM NOT GOING TO HER NOW AM I
I saw too many memes with Lady Dimitrescu lately and I dreamed that I was chased by her oh my god why