read more my beloved it’s been too long
God i use mobile so much and i don't have the patience there for read mores, hence the ramblings tags
but guess who’s taking a break from her computer based class, on a computer
Babbling i just. isolate myself too much irl and online and i still need to consider fucking therapy again but that's not happening till after covid at least bc. yeha no suck at zoom.
this whole thing is a mess take it with 20000 grains of salt or not at all if you’re reading this. mostly me being angry at myself and my fuckups, yaknow the normal
just. idk wanted to air thoughts. been a while proper
though tbh probs should stop doing that here considering that vs when i was what. 13? i barely knew anyone here and no-one read them
but i can say with utter certainty that at least a few people will read this (u know who u are and ilu) for better or worse
My mom always kept a diary (still does though honestly trump and especially covid sapped her ability to write in it like she likes normally) and ive always sucked so fucking bad at doing it myself. this is probably the closest thing ill get to that. again, for better or worse (probs worse lol)
couple of random thoughts well wee which stick at the world tonite then maybe ill go to bed early. or more realistically ill stay up to one desperately trying to find something to read that makes me feel well. not better but feel intense i guess? I have so many performative emotions at work, true sincere ones but all still mostly performative. I realized i laughed sincerely, like truly how i laugh at homes or with friends or by myself for like, the first time at work in ages? it’s not that i don't find joy in work i actually do but i mold and morph my self into something likable, still based off me to be fair, that i know will endear me to my coworkers and keep me in their good graces. I've let up on that in the past year but its hard habit to break. I'm way more terrified of being hated then i ever really realised.
i mean hell i still don't offer to do things with friends because of this deep seated fear that whatever i choose is something they wont like, and thus they wont like me, and they'll put on a face to pretend that's its okay when its really not. hypocritical sounding considering the “oh ho ho molding myself for others” but i know for a fact that i go along with what my friends like AND i enjoy it just as much. it’s partially a I'm “so fucking indecisive” thing and partially terror/feeling like a shit friend.
Like i cant remember a time i invited someone over to my house as a kid? must have a couple of times but it was just a thing i didn't really do? even as a fucking kid i was worried they wouldn't like something jesus that's. mmmm. not great
it’s funny bc my sister is more introverted then me, technically, but also so fucking good at being friends with people. im not extroverted yeah def not, but im arguably so much more aggressively social even when im uncomphy doing it (make good with those around you at all times and hey, it will make the air less tense or quiet at least. and god i cant stand the quiet around others. like i can with really good friends but i always feel like i have to say something to fill the silence and i hate that), but unlike my sis i suck ass at doing friendships. never contribute enough never stick my neck out for those who fucking deserve it. ive got friends (affectionally i think thank god) calling my a cryptid! because i might as well fucking be one i just! cant! fucking! talk to people enough!
Like i know rationally i am not a bad person to be a friend too, i know i can be a positive but i keep pulling shit like this and
think it has to do with my constant flirtation and courting of failure.
I nearly didnt fucking graduate on time for both higschool and college because guess what! i suck AND i like living on the edge. not of drugs or dangerous shit but just
the feeling of pulling yourself so close to falling over the edge into a worse situation over and over again is. not addivitive but i cant stop fucking doing it. mostly presents academically but even with friend
like “ oh friend texted me that's great, I'm doing something ill text back later!” and then later happens and either i forgot again or its too late and the insidious part of my brain tells me it would be better to drop the friend because why would they need you? you can even answer a god damn discord or text message. irrational i know, and the aggressive self awareness aint helping shit but. still
I don’t do it at work because i cant bc the fear of being hated overrules the aforementioned bad thoughts to failure train. like I've thrown myself so hard into work these days, half because its healthcare and i like helping, half because if i dont i wont have anything else going on in my life. i grab hold of an interest (or go back to one, (Pokémon and les mis my beloved) for a few weeks so hard it consumes me, before dropping it for a time and falling into a restless searching state. it’s bad and dumb and i despise it but its a circle ive had since fucking what? middle school? earlier even?
i think the (non existent) thesis of this abhorrently grammatically incorrect babble is that i am terrified of being useless more then anything else.
can’t tell if i feel better or worse saying that. mostly i feel the same tbh. welp
scratched myself so hard Thursday i had lines on my hand all day at work. felt like complete shit and it wasn’t even something i fully realized i was doing which is. worrying. im okay but its stuck in my head now ontop of all ^^ bs and the normal extensional dread (which i wont even go into because my terror of the future change and feeling aimless in life hasn't changed since middle school and shan change anytime soon i expect. hopefully grad school will help with that once i apply)
so that's a thing im hoping is a blip and isn’t like. you know finally being a thing i can rationalize. not going to say the word bc that gives it power.
i just cant stop looking at the part of my hand i can see lines on and its/fucking/ with me
ANYWAY!!! that's a horrible rant and babble and bearing of the soul to the cruel, unforgiving internet. fact i feel ok doing this but wont give out personal info on the internet is hypocritical and i cant hear you lala.
sorry if you read this (half hope you did, half hope you didn’t, half hope i don't know what) but tld: going through some shit, reviewing my own bs, scared by recent ongoing bs, but im okay. im always okay and i think itd be obvious if i want that. i mean im not okay rn but im okay okay. ive said okay too many times so. im not okay but im fine im safe and im still relatively happy for at least half of each day.
im not editing this bc fuck that i just want words somewhere. there was gonna be something else in there but ehh im done writing for now
love you all
Créditos al creador original 🌷
૮₍ ˃̵͈᷄ . ˂̵͈᷅ ₎ა ㅤㅤㅤ(๑•́ ᎔ ก̀๑)ㅤㅤㅤ૮ ˊ͈ . ˋ͈ ა
૮₍ ´𖦹 ˕ ×` ₎აㅤㅤ૮₍ ˶• ˔ ต ₎აㅤㅤ૮₍ ๑ • ᵜ ก ๑ ₎ა࣪
(˵ˊᯅˋ˵) ㅤㅤㅤ ૮˃̵֊ ˂̵ აㅤㅤㅤㅤ•᷄ࡇ•᷅
૮₍｡´• ˕ •`｡₎აㅤㅤ૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎აㅤㅤㅤฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅㅤ
૮₍´˶• . • ⑅ ₎აㅤㅤ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა ㅤㅤ૮₍´• ˕ •`₎ა
૮₍ ˃̵ࡇ˂̵ ₎აㅤㅤㅤ₍ᐢ˵• ࿁ กᐢ₎ㅤㅤㅤ꒰˵ˊᯅˋ˵꒱
₍ᐢ⸝⸝› ‹⸝⸝ᐢ₎ ㅤ ㅤ૮₍｡ •᎔• ｡₎ა ㅤ ㅤ ꒰˵• ﻌ •˵꒱
ᐢ. ֑ .ᐢㅤㅤㅤㅤ૮ / / / ⍝აㅤㅤㅤㅤ₍ᐢ..ᐢ₎⊹
My Melody Lagombi
can i kill myself without actually killing myself
the world will spin
time will go on
but i cannot
the emptyness seems to grow
while my heart shrinks
being kind got me no where
being lovely forced me to move backwards
my heart was soft and it got smashed into pieces
the more i care the less i can
my heart is cold
and maybe no one can hurt me
no one but myself
and everyone else
but atleast now no one can push me backwards
i am still here
green pearl voice!
so i might be a little bit obsessed with mermaid melody atm
HAI SANRIO FANDOM I BRING YOU KUROMI CONCEPTS WITH A SIDE OF MY MELODY
everyone must feel this way when
looking at you
Achilles, my Achilles of tragedy, You who has been my lulling melody, Cry no longer but let us both be moldy In the world that is eternally shady.
My mom asked me to draw, the green mermaid from Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pichi! XD
I had fun drawing this! X3
I wasn’t able to pre-order this in time!! :(
✧*。overnight outdoors party members - screenshots from the FUSIONIC STARS!! MV
outfits will be listed in tags!