Mental Health and Nightmares
When I was 15 I was admitted to a mental hospital for having a plan to kill myself. I know what your think, what the fuck happened to her. The truth is I don't know how it got so bad. But it was brewing from the time I was 5 or 6.
Ever since I was young I have always been anxious around people. Overthinking everything. Believing I was going to die all the time and sometimes wanting it. AT 6! Starting therapy at 10 was a new adventure. Trying to figure out what are my triggers and how to cope. Not easy for a 10 year old to do. I started to self harm when I was 11 or 12. I’m not sure why I started then but it created a relief I have never felt before. I started to create a cycle around the time I started self-harming. Have a good few weeks, crash, cut myself up, hide it from my parents for a week or two, they find out, I sleep on their floor for a few days, visit my therapist, become somewhat good again. The time intervals where and still are not consistent. It could be a few weeks, a few days, or even a few hours. Sure outside forces play into it and other reasons it happens but a lot of the time the reason I have a low is unknown, and still is.
Middle school was okay but by all means it wasn’t good. Don’t get me wrong I had some good times but there are to many bad ones that overshadowed. My first two years in High School is when it was really bad. My freshman year was filled with drama and adjusting to a new school. Sophomore year is where it took a turn for the wrose. By November of that year I had to have body checks every day by my mom for self harm scars. No matter how hard they tried I found ways to get my hand on a razor. Having therapy almost every week. Lets just say my last period teacher hated that I left early all the time. Almost daily visits to my social worker or the nurses office for panic attacks. I was not okay. In late November my therapist recommended I try a 6 week outpatient after school program. It went okay. I got officially diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, severe social anxiety, an unspecified mood disorder, and ADHD. I got put on meds for the first time. When I was done with the program I looked okay. But, in actuality I learned how to hide my feelings better which allowed me to not have body checks and allowed me to cut myself up without anyone noticing. By later January I was ready to leave. I had many plans in case the other didn’t work out. I was caught one night. I don’t remember how but that night I had therapy and my therapist, who is still the same one I started with, said it is time for a mental hospital check. The next day my parents pulled me out of school and took me to the local mental hospital. I was there all day talking to different people and getting evaluated by different staff members. It was determined I needed an all day program for at least a month but it would be better if I was admitted to the hospital. I was.
Those 6 days still haunt me over 4 years later. Because I was a Self-Injury Recovery patient or SIRS I was in a different unit than most of the under 18 patients although I slept on that floor. My unit also housed Eating Disorder or ED patients. It was hard to see that. I saw so many things that no one knows about. I am still haunted by them.
This past November I had an actual sucide attempt. What scared me the most is I didn’t know I was doing it. I live in a house with 2 other girls and no one was home. I should have been admitted that night. But I didn’t have a car and my parents are 4.5 hours away. Not many know about this attempt. All my doctors and family know and a few close friends. The people who I am closest to know.
If you look at my story it isn’t special and not as bad as most but it still is parts of my life that haunts me. Sure people are starting to talk about mental health but it seems to be only celebrities that get noticed. Yes they have the platform to but they have a shit ton of money. They can pay for the best treatment. Look at the kids and adults who can’t get that. Weather it’s because of money or the fact that their parents believe depression and other disorders are a choice. I have seen parents blame their kids for divorces or money loss because of their illness. That is not okay! I have also seen parents shamed for having a child who suffers from a mental illness. Let me be clear unless they are the cause of it (abuse, etc) they are not to blame. My parents did the best they could but there is no book on how to help a depressed kid. Even if there is, it won’t be right. Each kid or adult is different.
If you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression, anxiety, bio-polar, etc, just be as supportive as possible. If you make decisions for that individual, take counsel from professionals. It won’t be easy but if you try it may help.
This is the suicide hotline number:
Don’t be afraid to use it.