Life’s like… fucking mean
Life’s like… fucking mean
> 43 degrees F
>wakes up drenched in sweat for some reason
that one person that’s friends with basically everyone in a fandom except for you and you’re just there like ha ha guess i’ll die
a solid 70% of not being here is being worried about one of my friends I haven’t heard from in like. over a year :x because she was scheduled for A Surgery and i have not heard Anything about it. i do love being here and i do love the doc, the reluctance to be here has nothing to do with him it’s just nerves in general, i love this man is the point of this post thank you for bearing with me whilst I do so a little more quietly than usual
You ever like....accidentally read a post about a more popular ship with an f/o, and you try to scroll past it but it's already in your brain, and now it's giving you not so nice feelings about your own ship even though you know you're just as valid as the other ships?
I realize I haven’t taken my meds in about a week and now everything feels like they’re crashing down. I feel like throwing up and I can’t eat anything.
;; not me actually being really depressed/sad about the fact i can’t watch c3 live on thursday.
//i still owe one response but my mood just tanked hard and i don't know if i'll be on tonight...sorry
Okay needless to say trial four fucking sucks, I do not like it, it reminded me too much of everything I try to repress, I do not like it here /neg
Gen Z culture is looking emotionless coz unless you keep your feelings at check you wilk have a panick attack at the smallest thing/don't do this it made me a wreck
I would like to apologize to everyone who talks to me ooc.
I have been having a really rough year. Work and personal shit are really stressing me out. In addition, I’ve already got a pretty negative personality, so it is really easy for me to spiral when I’m feeling bad.
But lately I’ve been letting it take over. I’m getting really angry and really bitter and I can feel myself turning into an asshole. I’m starting to forget how my actions affect others and that I’m not the only one going through a rough time right now. It’s okay that I’m feeling bad things, but it’s not okay that I’m taking it out on everyone else or making my bad attitude their problem.
So I would like to apologize to everyone, especially to the people I chat with on Discord. I’m sorry for being negative more often than not. I am sorry for only every complaining and not being supportive. I’m sorry if I have not been a good friend to chat with. I’m sorry if I’ve bummed you all out or sucked the joy out of every interaction.
I am going to try to do better. I’m looking into going back to therapy so I can stop relying on strangers online to vent so much. I’m going to try meditation to calm my nerves and, as hokey as I think they are, I’m going to try positive affirmations. CBT has worked for me in the past and I’d like to try it again. Because I don’t like who I am becoming and I don’t like how I am treating people.
I am going to try and come back to role play soon as well. Although that is largely dependent on work. But I’m hoping if I can change my attitude, I can trick my brain into wanting to write again.
Anyway, nothing prompted this. No one (that I know of)is mad at me. It’s just been weighing on me and I wanted to get it out.
he’s just having a good ole vent again (just stuff i needed to get out before i showered, you don’t have to read this. i’m just letting off steam because i can’t wait for therapy)
idk i’m probably hormonal and probably just feeling this way because my anxiety and paranoia has been really bad for the past week because it’s spider season and so i’m on constant surveillance and i literally can’t go into a room without scanning the floor, ceiling and walls for anything unusual. but i’m just not feeling the rpc rn, like besides the two people i feel like ive really bonded with and become close with, i feel like i’m too withdrawn right now to make new friends or be a good plotting partner no matter how hard i try. i’m just afraid of telling people my ideas and it’s not good and i know i shouldn’t be. but like i’ve been having a hard time carrying on ooc conversations because i really have nothing to say about anything ooc because i don’t wanna talk to people about how stressed i am 24/7 and i have so little energy for small talk rn but i feel like i’m not on the level with most people where i can just turn it into plotting or sending them tiktoks, memes or songs that i want them to see. i just feel like whenever i wanna talk to someone what i have to say is annoying or not worth their time and i feel like with new people i put so much pressure on myself for every interaction to go perfectly and it means i just don’t ever talk to people that i’m not already comfortable with and who i haven’t already established that talking with me ooc is a lot of late night replies, and awkwardness and really random shit i hope you laugh at.
i’m literally here to write and make friends and i feel like i can’t do either right at this moment. either i have conversations so awkward i stop replying because seeing the old messages makes me want to combust or they go dry and im too afraid to be like ‘look at this stupid raccoon meme’ because what if they’re afraid of raccoons and i just triggered them or something (it’s happened before) or what if they don’t like raccoons and now i, a devoted raccoon lover with zero braincells have to sit through someone ranting to me about how a raccoon killed their mom and i don’t know how to respond to that. and like i can’t write because i’m literally barely conscious half the time because i’m so physically exhausted from being on high alert all the time. and it’s not just spiders, every single time a post is blocked by xkit i’m instantly alerted to the fact that there’s something there that i have prevented myself from seeing and i cannot physically ignore it to the point where i have considered unfollowing my friend’s blogs and potentially ruining something good for myself because they’re interacting with someone who’s either on my shit list or i’m on theirs. i just want to exist and be able to co exist with other people even if i don’t like them or they don’t like me, but instead i’m constantly feeling like it would be better if i just removed myself from the situation entirely. i don’t feel safe here anymore and it’s no one’s fault. it’s not even my fault because i have done everything i can to make my space safe for myself, it’s literally just my brain chemistry being fucky.
and like the star meme that was going around was deadass so upsetting for me that i had to like physically remove myself from tumblr because like my experience here isn’t one where if i’d reblogged it i’d have gotten more than maybe 5 which isn’t bad at all but like i can’t help but compare myself to the people getting 20 or more or the people who just get nice anons randomly. i know i shouldn’t compare myself like that, it’s just really hard not to when it feels like i have to try so hard all the time to keep up with what’s going on around me here when it seems like everyone else has it down, and everyone else is loved for the things i feel like i’m doing too.
i am constantly telling myself this feeling will pass, i’ll be able to relax soon and i won’t feel like every minor inconvenience is an attack and i know that’s true but it still feels like it’ll never end. and i’m telling myself that my friends with different experiences on this hellsite or different experiences with other users aren’t the enemy and it’s all just extremely a lot rn. and it feels like taking a break isn’t really an option for me either.
anyway that’s all i needed to say. i try really hard not to vent and all i want to do is put out good energy into the world and i don’t want to be negative especially when it comes to stuff like this because i love my friends, i love writing and i don’t want people to think that i don’t or to feel like i don’t like interacting with them.
I feel so guilty for posting on here, for scaring people away, for making people think its them or that they have to do something, for going out of their way to help me. They shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it as sweet as it is.
I’m not sure what else to do. I can’t see a therapist, the waiting list can be up to a year now... and I don’t think I want to... I saw several before i saw Christina, the one who ACTUALLY helped me and idk if i can ever see her about this again.
I’m just so tired of people seeing me and thinking they know me so well... Thinking that i’m so open and friendly and easy to talk to when a lot of the time i want to just curl up in a hole and die.
I’m scared and lost and I’m bloody stupid. I’ve been hurting again and its pathetic and disgusting and I’m just... I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I do this. I’ve been trying, I’ve tried to be active here, I’ve tried to relax before work today and play a game on my xbox, or watched tv, I’ve tried to look at replying to stuff on here but... I can’t, I have nothing.
I hate this happens every time i’m out of college, I hate this. I keep crying every night and during work and I can’t help but think if it would make a difference if I stuck around.
Most the time I’m on here I’m complaining. Its pathetic and I’m sorry for it...
I can’t keep doing this. Its so hard.
i’m also in week 9 of my first semester of school that’s so wild
i just lost my kitten. it was so sudden. he had a rare disease, there was no cure and no way he could survive it so he had to be put down. i only had him for a month, but i was extremely attached to him. he bonded with me immediately on the first night he came home. i don’t know what to do with myself now. everything hurts, but i’m also numb from all the pills i took to calm down. i don’t know what to do. i miss him so bad. i loved him so much.
Okay here is the deal. I will be lurking and doing stuff if I FEEL like it. My cat has a high fever and could actually be dying. I'm scared to death. She's burning up and she won't let me touch her. And my vet told me they could only see her on Wednesday. I'm so.....frustrated and scared. I'm putting this under a read more, but this is the reason I may not be around. She’s possibly dying and I’m scared.
Not enough staff again. Not enough staff tomorrow.
puts my head in my hands