Autumn Ivy, Princeton, New Jersey
Oh you don’t think this deserves an entire blog post? Well fuck right the fuck off because I’m going in bitch…
Mrs. Giudice. You know, the table-flipping, forehead-challenged, bikini clad, ex-con, mother of four - her. She’s not doing great. This season has offered an insight into the woman who made The Real Housewives of New Jersey the best of all Housewives franchises. And, I hate to say it, especially since she’s acting like a total asshole, she deserves our sympathy.
Let’s, for a moment, remember the early days of the Real Housewives. The women in Orange County were rather polite in retrospect. No violence anywhere. It was all name-calling and mean tweets. Every one in a while, the passive-aggressive forgotten invitation to a birthday party. You know the sort of social kamikaze’s that women launch on their most hated enemies. “Oh, I didn’t know you’d like to come. There weren’t anyone’s husbands around for you to steal”…You get the picture.
But then Teresa came along with her huge wads of cash and ditzy/tough girl Jersey thing and the American public gobbled it up. She was unlike the others on the cast. There was Caroline Manzo, the maternal, good-natured lioness. Then Dina, Caroline’s younger, hotter sister with a cool demeanor and distant husband who was always traveling. (Didn’t work out *spoiler alert*). Then, there was Jacqueline who was all fake smiles and puppy dogs and rainbows and…someone should check on Jacqueline because she always seemed one glass of Sauvignon Blanc shy from losing her mind in the middle of a Cheesecake Factory. But Teresa was the surprise hit. She had all those daughters with their bright blue eyes and sassy, ready-for-camera one-liners. It was too insane to be written. And then, fast forward and Teresa’s husband, Joe Giudice aka “Juicy” (I hate myself for knowing this) gets indicted on several felony counts of fraud. Then to make matters worse, he takes Teresa down with him. Her signature is on everything. It looks like Teresa was a co-conspirator in the fraud. Could she have been a sinister mastermind? Was all the flashiness a big ‘fuck you’ to Uncle Sam?
She certainly didn’t seem like she had the brains to pull it off. No shade. But, she was more concerned with Gia’s dance recitals and keeping Milania off the banisters and alive. She didn’t have time to scam people with phony contracts. Nor, did it seem, that she’d ever risk anything that would tear her away from her kids. No, this was the work of her husband and for whatever reason he hadn’t taken the necessary precautions to legally protect his wife. It was a sad day for RHONJ fans. Teresa and Joe were charged with 39 counts of fraud. She would serve her time first and then Joe would do his. The judge seemed to grant them some leniency by allowing them to serve their terms back to back as opposed to stripping their daughters of both parents simultaneously. A small victory in light of the sad events.
But it wouldn’t be a typical Hollywood sentencing for Tre. She had to do 15 hard months at a Federal Corrections Facility in Danbury, Connecticut. But, and this is the best part, she came out looking like a million bucks. She was shredded out, buff, and in fabulous spirits. Truly, it was inspiring. She came out ready to work and make up for lost time. Despite some pushback from the girls, she was back in the swing of things. All looked promising for Joe too. He had watched over all four of the girls with aplomb. Doing hair, packing lunches, getting everyone to practices, study groups, games and play dates and seeming to really dig it. They seemed to be doing just fine.
And yet, this season of RHONJ has been devastating for the Giudice family. Joe went in to serve his 41 month sentence. Then, right on cue, Teresa started acting like a raving bitch to everyone on the cast. She was picking fights with Melissa, Jackie, then Margaret, then Jennifer, then her brother and back again. It’s horrible to watch. She uses her anger to diffuse any of her wrongdoing. It’s an old trick of hers but this season it’s more vicious. It’s cruel. She seems to be liking making everyone sad and scared. Then, all of a sudden, word on the street is, Joe is being held in an I.C.E. facility because he’s not a U.S. citizen. But how???
Wouldn’t he have filed for that when he got married? They’ve been married for over 20 years. Surely, he would’ve taken care of that by now. Surely!
Except, not. Turns out, when pushed on the issue, Joe had no valid reason as to why he hadn’t taken care of his citizenship. He simply never got around to getting his US passport. He hadn’t filled out the necessary paperwork just because…he didn’t.
And that, my friends, is Joe Giudice in a nutshell. A scrub. The kind of man who doesn’t do the things he’s supposed to. Not for any good reason but because…he just didn’t. The worst kind of man. Shiftless, arrogant, “things couldn’t possibly go wrong for me”-ass man. Sure he can flip a few houses and use the profits to invest in another shady business deal but are all the contracts legal? No. Are his papers in order? Nope! Does he have a new Range Rover? A duhhhh.
Now, here is the larger issue. Teresa is a slamming piece of ass (to quote Marge Jr.) and she’s the star of the family. A human being could not be in better shape. She could (and, rumor has it, has) snag any old thing she wanted to. Joe sure couldn’t. I remember a few seasons back when it seemed painfully obvious he was sneaking phone calls to a little girlfriend that the show was kind enough to hide (sort of). Nobody cares about him. I think even Joe’s family would admit, he’s been riding Teresa’s coattails through this whole thing. Luckily, Gia seems down to help her mother (though she’s understandably very loyal to her father). So, it’s most likely only a matter of time until mother and daughter start their own fitness brand and, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll sign the fuck up.
Now, how is it that Teresa is still stuck with this man? (I just got word that they are separated but still…)
I was under the impression that if no one else knew how much of a scrub her husband was, Teresa sure as shit knew. But in the most recent episode of RHONJ, Teresa, who’s had her fair share of red wine, is almost in tears lamenting that no one is going to want her now following a fight with Joe in which he told her that she was basically a washed up dirty dish rag. She, like anyone with common sense, should’ve shut that shit down immediately. She should’ve driven her ass to the ICE facility and broke her husband out for the sole purpose of sending him on a one-way flight to Italy to never return. Arrivederci!
I almost don’t want to watch the show any longer if I have to watch Joe Giudice’s miserable toxis ass! I watch Real Housewives for the fun, positive messages of female independence and friendship. Yes, there’s fights every one in a while that I selfishly enjoy. But I don’t like seeing men try and destroy their wives’ self-esteem. It’s a remnant of a bygone era. And I should be compassionate to Joe’s circumstance. Yes, he’s in an ICE facility and that’s very traumatizing. But I hate this narrative that his experience in ICE is somehow a vendetta against him by the federal government. I also hate that his experience in ICE is just as horrible as everyone else’s. Sir, you are not in the same boat as these Honduran children you are being housed with. These are people running for their lives and you, you are someone who didn’t do the paperwork you were supposed to do 20 years ago when your wife brought it up to you the first time. You are a man who was convicted of 39 counts of fraud serving a felony sentence. You ain’t innocent.
The saddest part, besides the horrible wreckage it has done to their daughters, is the toll it’s taken on Teresa’s self-esteem. It’s corroding her. It’s as if her self-esteem is so blown to shit that she’s punishing herself with this terrible friendship to Danielle. She is almost unrecognizable. The very same woman who Teresa very famously flipped a table over, is now the friend she refuses to part with. And while Danielle is very good at picking out vulnerable prey, there seems to be a larger issue at hand. Teresa seems not quite right. The decisions are not adding up. Obviously, Teresa has demonstrated shitty taste in men (Joe) and the occasional screw-up with friends (never-ending Jacqueline drama!). But this business with Danielle is disconcerting. Danielle is just another toxic leech trying to suck you dry, Tre! Break the cycle! Your girls need you!
night out!! jk i booked a mini suite for myself got room service and took some pics because i felt like it 🦋🌙
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Sheep at the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange, New Jersey.
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Waiting for the River Line and I can barely see
Sunflowers in the Sussex County Sunflower Maze at Liberty Farm in Sandyston, New Jersey in September 2019.
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Autumn Ivy, Princeton, New Jersey