Holy fuck I’d give anything to feel something right now
Holy fuck I’d give anything to feel something right now
Just can’t be bothered with people today.. well more so than usual.
Its not you,
That I’m losing interest,
But its not you,
And I hate to admit it
Talking ‘bout my life and I just really wanna quit it
All these people 'round me I never really fit in
Try to talk about they just never wanna listen
Wait, take me away
Coldsteeze - Don’t Leave Me Here
The end of the year is approaching, and I’ve been so inactive, and off - track lately. I think it’s time to start next year focused :)
Edit: I’ve not been on since October, and the amount of notes, likes, and reblogs I’ve been getting are crazy!!!! (My phone couldn’t keep up haha). I got a new fitness tracker about it a week ago, so that’s great. Thank YOU so much 🥰
sometimes i think, maybe i’ll never find the place i belong to or that one person that loves me back and makes me feel like home. maybe i’m just supposed to be lost.
The riptide yanks me under, my lungs captivate with water, my body grows weak from fighting, and I’m sinking to the bottom.
I dislike when my dad asks for respect but doesn’t attempt to give it back. For example. I understand he’s my father and I’m grateful for his help because people don’t have to. It’s just. He asks for a two-week alert on things so he can prep. I messaged him on the 13th about a post-op appointment on the 30th. This man is always on his phone since his promotion. And I heard nothing until 3 days ago. I know he’s been available because he’s been visiting my brother. A simple “I’m busy” would have been nice. This entire time, I’ve been freaking out. He’s always telling my brothers how he wants a relationship but when I offer any time to spend time together, even if its an attempt to talk, he just doesn’t. He gives no effort. I’m always asked to respect requests, like a two-week heads up, but I get nothing. Nothing. I have zero issue with requests but I’d like the same in return. I don’t know why I care so god damn much about my father but I do. Or maybe I do know and its because he holds my brothers on pedestals and I’m stomped into dirt. He does so much for them without them asking. But I beg. Oh my lanta do I beg and I try. Its just never enough. Ever. Once he asked why I still go to therapy, why I’m still broken, still struggling.. like I should be fixed. Like a snap of a finger. Then I think about all my suicide attempts that he knew about and did nothing. Absolutely nothing. So if he didn’t give a fuck then, why would he care now? I’m giving him so many opportunities but he shuts them all down.
Today, on my way to a doctors appointment to remove stitches, it was a downpour. The roads were horrendous and filled with potholes. My ride zig-zagged and jerked the wheel. I begged for him or another car to lose control. We would have lost control into guardrails, off interstate bridges, or into deep trenchs. I begged. I just didn’t want to be here. But all the oncoming cars had perfect control regardless of irratic driving. A perfect freak accident scenario. I don’t understand how there wasn’t an accident. Talk about disappointment.
I’m just tired of being sick and things going wrong and never getting better. I try so god damn hard to improve my life and abide by doctors and rules and regulations. And I still fail. I fail so fucking hard it is wholeheartedly soul crushing. People who are supposed to be here and help… aren’t. I’m a burden. I’m used. And I’m exhausted. The temptation to feel just one-breath-of-air-lighter in positive ways are translucent. Because everything is out of my control. I can’t do anything. If I continue to just absorb, I’m going to nuke-break. But if I take the edge off myself, I have a chance. Or I could nuke-break. Get lost in not feeling suffocated. I’m damned f I do and damned if I don’t. Death is knocking on my door.
salt on all my wounds
the alcohol now numbs it
i’ll buy some lemons
No Idea What’s Happening
I’m laying here thinking. As I lay here I have this feeling, in my chest. Almost like a stabbing pain, along with anxiety. I’m unsure the exact reason why I’m feeling this way. I’m scared maybe, feeling lost like always but more than usual? Sad, like I’ve lost something or someone. Nervous, wanting a cigarette, also alcohol, “bandaids”. Getting drunk as fuck like I used to. Forgetting everything, numbing myself, getting away from everyone and everything. I’m hurting more than usual and I have NOBODY. Not anyone to be here for me. To hold me or care for me. I’m just here. Alone. In pain. Feeling helpless. Wishing there was a reset button. Or a way to change everything. Why was I born. Why do I exist. I’m just wasteful. I don’t need to be here anymore. I’ve over stayed my welcome with everyone and everything but still I’m here. WHY!?!? To many thoughts are in my head just making me more and more crazy. I’m at the point where I feel like I’m living in multiple realities. I remember things differently. I’ve forgotten things I normally wouldn’t forget. Some choices I made that I don’t remember making. Feelings that should be lost and forgotten but feel like everything just happened yesterday. Not feeling things when I should be feeling them I’m losing it. I just want a fresh start, I how I can have a fresh start. I’ll never have a fresh start.
I became a narcissist fed and fueled by my own twisted past.
I talk too much,or I talk to little.
I take things too seriously,or not seriously at all.
I’m too skinny,or not skinny enough.
I wear too much,or too little.
I’m too clingy,or not clingy enough.
No matter how hard I try,I’ll never be perfect for you.
What happens to those of us who never move on? Who can’t move on? Do we just spend the rest of our lives trapped with all that pain and all those memories? Is there any peace for us? Or is unrelenting suffering all that our life is going to consist of? Does that chest pain ever go away and if it not go away, does it ever dull?
everything hurts in the end
no one wants the person i am
i’m nothing but a body to other people
i want to feel more than numb
there’s nothing that can fill the hole i have inside me