Been so alone lately, really need some friends
Been so alone lately, really need some friends
Today. One of my buddies asked why I sleep so much, I said tired. He says its not good to sleep all the time. I agreed. So he proceeded to tell me that, because I have shelter,food,water, and clothes, I have no reason to be depressed. If I wanted to be happy, I could. I told him it wasn’t that easy. I could wake up feeling so fucking fantastic, “happy” but theres still that hole in my chest. One of my other buddies made a comment about how other people suffer rape worse than I did, I should just get over it. A random person on a video game got pissed at me and said they were gonna come to my house and rape me. Whether its the in-game safehouse, or mine, I’m not sleeping well tonight. But its okay, right? People have it worse and I should just get over everything. I should learn to take a rape statement/joke and “lighten up”. I wonder why I sleep so fucking much. Reality is brutal.
Why am I numb as fuck ??
Im not saying sorry this time…
ive said it enough.
so here’s a rant because my head hurts & i’m bordering on a panic attack & idk how to calm down because my brain is so full of pain that it’s gonna explode.
my parent’s relationship is not loving. i have never (from the little i can remember as a baby) had a loving example in my home. everybody i begin speaking to eventually leaves & i don’t know why. do i fall too quickly? i hold too much love in my heart that it absolutely must be given to that one particular person at that one particular time because if not how will i ever show my love?
so my newest guy left. haven’t gotten over it in 12 weeks because now i’m empty & i poured out all this love & i’m trying my best to pick it all back up but i can’t
my friends are in loving relationships and i hate it because why can’t that be me? why can’t i be the happy one in my own life for once? why is it always everyone around me who seems happy & has something special.
i am constantly empty, either full to the brim with pain of completely hollow and numb. i started self harming again just to feel something because my chest starts to physically contract with how painful it is to not have my person.
i literally don’t know what to do. i can’t kill my self & i can’t stay like this. i feel like i’m floating, like i’m in my own personal bubble. it would be so much easier if i was just numb all the time but i’m not. the pain spills out and i can’t stop it but i can’t change it and i just don’t know what to do.
i can’t remember most of my life. i’ve been in pain for as long as i can remember. there’s never been anything in my life other than pain.
Swallowing wads of gum
Am I a bad person?
There has to be someone out there that makes it all easier. There just has to be someone, because if not I don’t know if I’ll make it. So alone.
***I’d rather have them than relive them***
The pain of not being wanted or loved by the only person you’ve been so deeply in love with is almost unbearable
Thoughts — Sasha Sloan
I want someone to fall for me. Like genuinely fall for me. What if I’m too broken. My head is filled with so many thoughts I can’t concentrate. I’m so scared to even breathe most of the time. I’m sorry I need reassurance. If you leave too I’ll understand
I’m too much for anyone. Guess I’m just used to being temporary.
I’m sick of feeling like this all the time. I just wanna be happy.
I’m going with the flow. I just hope I don’t fall too hard without something catching me.
White noise nothingness
Surfing channels constantly
Lights on, no-one home
It’s sad to say that I’m glad that I can wear a mask everytime I go out. Before the pandemic, PCOS made it to where I couldn’t walk out of the house without shaving my face every single day! I would have red rashes all over my neck because of it. I had to cover it and my blue shadow with make-up. All just to go out! I never could just run to the store or go to my mail box because someone would see how disgusting it and I was. I now just have to shave my cheeks and neck and hide the rest. It’s so nice. I haven’t been able to go out like that since middle school 😭.
A queer angry fag is all I’ll ever be in your mind, isn’t it? Well don’t worry, all you are is a meal waiting to be cooked. Don’t worry. When sleep finds you, I’ll be the only thing you’ll ever think of. Sleep well. Don’t worry about the cold look in my eyes. It’s how I look when deciding what seasoning suits someone best. Night. Night.
Currently have no sense of self. brb.
I’m honestly at a point where I just want to cut off everyone in my life (outside from a few family members) and start new
I don’t want to think about the past, especially the past seven years
I don’t want to think about any of it
I want to get away
I want to be new and try to feel whole again
Yet I wonder if I was ever truly whole.
If I had a mirror, I would break it. I hate the way I look because I’m wrong. I hate talking because it’s wrong. I hate doing things because it’s wrong. I hate myself. And for that, I would put my fist through the mirror until there was nothing left.
Today has shut my mind off. Nightmares, wake up by 9am, I don’t remember what else until almost noon playing video games. Therapy session finally but only after my phones glitched out and I almost lost the appointment. Went over some questionaire, a little paperwork, talked about my dad, and how she thinks migraines are the cause of my emotionally unstable self. I just don’t understand the last part because I was literally on the same meds/dosage last year with no migraines and in the emotional state like now. But I’m a patient, what do I know? It’s like my unsteady-self is normal to everyone else so people overlook everything. In a way it’s good for a darkish side because I can adapt to surroundings and become invisible to where my presence doesn’t matter. In a way it’s bad for my healthy side because Society is fucking me over. But what do I know, right?