‘worth more’ tōru oikawa.
a/n: in honour of oikawa showing up in the next episode
and being best boy i’ve decided to feed you guys with a piece on him, and what’s better than heart wretching angst <333 please support if you enjoy.
warnings: angst, implications of a toxic relationship, mild swearing.
you hissed feeling how the flashing sheets of rain embraced your skin in cold droplets, it was almost as if the water burnt with the way your heart was thundering in your chest. oversensitivity cascaded your skin and your throat dried out as you gasped so desperately for air, attempting to run in the direction of your school, aoba johsai.
as you came to a halt in front of the all too familiar gym you peered up at the clouds which heavily gathered in order to pour down their sorrows. it seemed even the universe was crying for you tonight as if it knew what was to come.
how you wished you’d headed it’s warning.
you tumbled into the gym, your legs and heart moving faster than your brain as you were met with the sound of a ball crashing onto the otherside of the net. your eyes widened as you’d realised it wasn’t the only one, there was a minimum of atleast thirty sprawled out across the floor, no doubt from your boyfriends intense serving.
it was 9 o clock and you had no doubt that oikawa had been here for hours even after practice had finished. the rest of his team were no where to be seen as he picked up another volleyball from the pantry, wiping down a bead of sweat with his t-shirt. he was so focused that he failed to notice you staring, eyes wide, chest thundering, hands clenching, heart hurting.
you couldn’t help but be stunned at the sight of the setter recouperating by overworking himself, again, as a result of a devastating loss against karasuno. you knew that he took losses hard, he always did, every single time. there was not once that your boyfriend hadn’t blamed himself completely regardless of you, his team, the coach and practically the entire school telling him that wasn’t the case and that you were all proud.
“tōru” you voiced as your throat tightened up, head dizzying and stomach twisting into a violent knot that didn’t seem like it could be un-done anytime soon.
he paused his movements, gradually turning to face you, his brown orbs locking with yours, your hair covered in rain and your clothes practically dripping onto the floor. your worried expression, your flustered cheeks, your glossy eyes. and at the sight of you he could swear that his heart broke in his chest, but his words didn’t even come close to matching what he was feeling.
“what are you doing here?” he hissed, venom laced within his words, his eyes cloudy and an unreadable expression that rested upon his face. you inhaled sharply making your way over to him, worry visibly plastered all over your face as you disregarded his tone towards you. “you weren’t picking up your phone, i figured you’d be in here.” your voice cracked slightly as you removed the volleyball from his hands and instead took it into your own.
“so you had to come all the way down here?” he snapped back barely letting you finish your sentence, making it very known that you were unwanted here.
“yes, you’re overworking yourself again.” you sighed reflecting on the state of your boyfriend, you were wondering how much his knee was hurting right now and how much it hurt to keep up this facade that he wasn’t in any physical pain. “it’s necessary, i need to get better.” he clenched his fists reaching out to take the ball in your hands.
you swatted him away, biting down on your lip as the realisation hit you of how hard he was truly taking this loss, this may very well be worse than before. “you’re hurting yourself tōru, i don’t want to see you in pain.” you blinked, your grip on the ball getting tighter as you refected on the amount of times in the past you and iwaizumi had dragged the setter out of the gym.
“then leave, i’m not forcing you to stay here.” he was growing irritated and wasn’t even bothering to hide it as his face contorted at your words.
“i can’t just leave you here otherwise you won’t stop.” your voice was just above a whisper at this point, any higher and you were sure you’d just completely and utterly break. it wasn’t easy seeing your boyfriend penalise himself so constantly, especially when you felt like it was your responsibility. every single time he had been so harsh on yourself you swear you’d feel a crack in your chest, and at this point your heart was on its last legs.
“that’s the point, i don’t want you to stop me, i need to keep going, i need to get better.” he reached out for the ball prying it out of your hands this time with a violence you were unfamiliar with. “you’re stopping me from doing well, and you call yourself my girlfriend?” his words struck like a sharpened knife and your lungs fell short for air.
“you’re just angry right now, give me the ball.” you reached forward but he diverted it from your hands shoving you backwards causing you to fall to the ground. “get it through your thick skull that i don’t you or your help.” you blinked registering his words, it was as if your ears didn’t want to hear them and your brain refused to process it. one thing about oikawa tōru is that he wasn’t a liar, but right now he was most certainly lying, you just couldn’t see it.
truly he knew how much you loved him and he loved you just as much, if not more. he knew how your heart would clench everytime you worried about him, the amount of tears you spilt over him, the effort you put into him. he knew it all. and he was so tired of himself for constantly dragging you through this shit. in his mind all of this was necessary, because he couldn’t just give up volleyball, it was his passion in life and he had to do better. however, he also couldn’t watch you beat yourself up over him so constantly. he knew you wouldn’t leave him if he’s told you that you deserved better. so all of this was necessary, because he was going to make you see it for yourself. he believed you were worth more than oikawa tōru, himself.
you stared at him in shock, your body slightly shivering as he got closer and he could make out something in your eyes that he’d never seen before and he absolutely hated it. it was fear, because you were now scared.
you scrambled backwards, stumbling as you got on your feet. it was done now, your heart was fully broken and even though there was so much you wanted to say the words wouldn’t come out of your mouth. you gave him one last look, one mixed with longing, fear, love and everything else you were currently feeling and he understood those emotions perfectly.
tears began to decorate your eyes, mixing with the rain once you had stepped out of the gym, all of it enough to perfectly ruin you. you exhaled making your way towards the park where you sat on a bench under the rain all night thinking about how oikawa toru was beyond saving.