if i had to redo it i think id name myself ghost or phantom
if i had to redo it i think id name myself ghost or phantom
people's interest in social justice so often stops at the point where it ceases to feel personal, i don't know why i'm even surprised anymore
I've had a rough path to get to where I am today, but I also want to focus on the joy to realize who you are and what makes you happy. I just started following my heart, really so I'm at the begging of stepping into freedom. And I'm so proud of myself regardless of what anyone might think.
- my panick attacks have almost stopped... they're not as severe or frequent and this has been the biggest problem of mine. It was... so hard. And I must say it's because I finally get to express myself
-> by creating for my special interest, allowing myself to stim and happy flap my hands, stopping to suppress my nervous twitches when overwhelmed, talking about my feelings and feeling like my Self finally.
- finally figuring out a name, pronouns and my sexuality after having to walk through all my tangled emotions, trials and errors (Kit he/ him)
- I got a clear knowing of what piercings I want to get, which haircut, color and other things that I consider a big part of my transition to becoming the man that I am already (once again, trans doesn't mean dysphoria and though I feel it heavily I support people who don't experience it! ❤)
-> plus, whatever I do, I do it for myself. Not to become some sort of image one needs to fit in. I want to shave my eyebrows, wear makeup and grow out my stilleto nails so I can put more glitter on them. Like ✨ Do you. 🌈
- getting kind messages and support on here ❤😭 my best friend and the people in this fandom who see me as I am. Snfff
- waking up with messy hair, darker moustache hair (probably bcs of the almond milk) and a groggy voice is so gender 👀😏🤣 hahaha
Tsukki's Day 🍰
Alright I did it I was Controversial (TM)
Nobody speak to me today unless it is about Kita Shinsuke (24) rice farmer.
(okay, and maybe sakusa kiyoomi hehe)
Kie is being mean to Levi, the poor shutin cant take compliments!
Also Levi wants to wear cute clothes, too, not just Asmo! He’s just self-conscious af about it. Once he gets (mostly) comfortable around Kie he feels he’s able to dress up a bit more since Kie doesn’t really tease him (well, Kie teases him. but in the RIGHT kind of way P; )
I think my graphics card finally croaked or is in the process of croaking.
I just wanted to play Tales of Arise... :')))
Day 28 of One Aziraphale a Day. Who’s ready for autumn?
IM NOT GOIGN TO MAKE A COLROUED SUSIE SPRITE JSUT FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :SOB: :SOB: I LOVE HER TO BITS BUT i am not doing that anywyas going to tag somethgin properly for once <333
One of Vera’s fears, back in season 4 (conveniently touched upon for 5 minutes then dropped because it’s what the show does with interesting topics / characters’ traits where they could go deep and go on about it to further develop a character beyond tropey points) was to be like Joan, was to have absorbed so much of her that there was some residue of her former boss/mentor left inside. Spoiler: yes, there was and there is. The 2.07 turning point had her morph into Joan 2.0 almost overnight. Even though her slow alienation (from her peers, her mother, the prisoners) had been underway from the start of season 2, the final push was delivered and shoved her out of the chrysalis. Vera remained made in Joan’s image up to a point. The painful breaking apart of their relationship nudged her back to herself but it left her scarred and scared to ever be like her for good or to have inherited certain bits and pieces, something touching to her personality in a way that couldn’t be altered or undone.
And in season 8: it’s exactly what happened. It doesn't happen overnight this time around. Triggered by Joan’s return, Vera mirrors Joan’s own slow descent into paranoia, instability, and irrationality in season 3. It’s panic, it’s anger, it’s a deep-seated fear of losing control (which acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy as all it does is make her lose control). This time, she’s the one alienating herself. Her behaviour, her response to anything that has to do with Joan, her tunnel vision getting narrower and darker with every episode not only bring back the very thing she used to fear (being like Joan) but also blind her to it and to who she is becoming. She is downright cruel to Joan (and Joan only) and what is interesting is that it doesn’t bring Joan some sense of validation or recognition or pride as it once would have but it contributes to her desire to connect, to keep in touch with who she is (read: Kath, Kath’s humanity, empathy, need for relationship, vulnerability) Of course Vera doesn’t see that. She can’t or she won’t. More than likely both. Joan’s loss of control in season 3 was illustrated by the messy tufts of hair sticking out on either side of her head. Vera’s is by the lines under her eyes as well as the stone-like expression she wears when she talks about / to Joan (not to mention that lip twitching she got from Joan, bless Atko for bringing this)
Yes, Vera is the other side of the coin. Her ‘transformation’ in season 2-3 was devoid of any real awareness: it was an erasure of the self at the service of Joan and engineered by Joan. Vera’s lack of self-esteem, need for validation and desire to please her were the tools used to remake her so to speak. Unlike in seasons 8-9 where Vera is the architect of what she is turning into. Of course, certain things weigh in (trauma, unresolved feelings, lack of closure, absence of communication, love and resentment that have festered into hatred and paranoia) but she is still in control. She knows what she is doing. The Joan part/side of her is resurfacing and it’s all consuming. She is obsessed in an unhealthy way and with intentions speaking to her need to punish Joan in order to keep protecting/preserving herself and it is ruining her.
sometimes self care is scrolling through the apollo justice tag for serotonin and headcanons to make you go :] while actively ignoring your 4985723975 problems and things you should be doing
ffxivwrite2021 #27: benthos
⮞ lunya/g'raha, with friends. 1188 words. ⮞ aquarium au. ⮞ an aquarist-turned-mermaid-performer gets a new outfit.
benthos: the flora and fauna found on the bottom, or in the bottom sediments, of a sea, lake, or other body of water.
In the depths of the water, the colours and sounds of the surface were muted and distorted, but Lunya knew what they wanted from her when their shadows fell over this deep. She twisted from her sitting position on a collection of large, smooth rocks that nestled in the sand, white hair and bubbles wisping around her and the tropical fish at her fingertips scattering as she kicked upwards, chasing the shapes of red and lavender high above.
Melmeltan was sliding a styrofoam box to the edge of the pool as Lunya broke the surface, and she shrieked out a startled hiss when Lunya flipped her hair back and sent a shower of water droplets flying at her with a mischievous laugh. Sitting with the Miqofell girl on the walkway around the top of the tank, G'raha laughed and took the sudden spray of water in stride.
"Lunya! I know this is an aquarium, but not all of us are supposed to get wet," Melmeltan chided, shuddering as the water on her skin trickled down her arms. Why she decided to go into marine horticulture when she was uncomfortable with so much water was a mystery.
"Probably," Lunya agreed with a twinkle in her eye as she swam over and propped herself up from the water and onto the edge, resting her chin on her folded arms. "But maybe we wouldn't have that problem if our resident horticulturist knew how to swim."
The other girl rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "I'm a cat," she reminded Lunya—no, you're not! G'raha gasped—and one of her feline ears flicked for emphasis as if it was a valid excuse at all and not insulting to the scholars who'd protested for centuries that Miqo'te and cats had no real relation. "I don't have to swim because we have you, silly."
"She's got a point," G'raha said, ruffling Melmeltan's hair and earning an elbow in the side. As he let out an oof, your elbows are sharp, Mel! he gave Lunya an overdramatic wink that had her giggling. "No sense in grounding our resident mermaid."
"You just like watching her work," Krile scoffed from the line of quarantine tanks at the back of the room, not even looking over as she and Ejika examined a pair of yellow tangs.
"Krile," G'raha hissed through gritted teeth, leaping from his seat to chase her from the room. That was probably the smarter option between that and bodily throwing her into the tank.
"No running!" Ejika yelled after them as Krile broke into a sprint, looking back over her shoulder to stick her tongue out at them both. "The Director will have our heads if you break something!"
Not true. Minfilia would just lock herself in her office rearranging the funds to replace whatever they broke with a headache and a pained smile. It was Tataru they were going to be in trouble with in the event that they actually shattered a set of sample tubes or knocked over the gigantic pyramid of prepped fish for today's feedings or, gods forbid, someone fell into the quarantine tank next door—not like the 20 galleon ones in this room. The big one for the belugas and their medicinal baths.
"There they go again," Melmeltan murmured, watching them go. "I'm trying to convince Coco that we should take lessons again. I mean, we work at an aquarium. One of these days he's going to fall in one and just sink."
"Coconuts float," Haruki said very helpfully as he passed through on his way to the clinic, A'dewah on his tail.
"Yeah, but not that one." Shaking her head, Melmeltan turned back to Lunya and patted the styrofoam box next to her. "You wanted to test this out, right?"
"Yes," Lunya gasped, pushing herself out of the tank so she could tear the box open. She'd spent months slaving over her latest sewing project, trying to account for what materials could inadvertently cause harm to the fish if something could get loose or rusted or nibbled off or what-have-you and she finally perfected it. She was pulling just the tail over her swimsuit now, but in theory her new mermaid costume would be a million times better than the ones she'd worn before when she was in the full ensemble, like a real mermaid.
Appearing at Melmeltan's side and startling the horticulturist so badly she nearly fell in the pool, Krile hummed as she pulled at the fabric, its scales shimmering in all the colours of the rainbow and decorated with authentic freshwater pearls. "Very impressive," she said approvingly. "You never fail to outdo yourself, Lunya."
"Aww, thanks," Lunya cooed, pinching Krile's cheek and earning an ow ow ow stopppppp— before she noticed that G'raha had never come back to the room. "Where's…?"
Krile winked, and even though she wasn't entirely sure what it meant Lunya found herself blushing regardless, determinedly looking away from both of her friends as she finished adjusting the tail, its fins shimmering beneath the violet LED lamps when she slipped into the water.
It wasn't a stretch to say that Lunya belonged to the water, that her body was formed of the sea and the pull of the moon on the tides. As the fish swarmed around her, a manta ray coasting over the coral below and the daunting form of a whale shark gently passing behind her, she sank into the depths, feeling more and more confident as her hair and fins were caught up in the stir of the water. She was going to make tonight's show something spectacular. She was going to be spectacular. The Waking Sands Aquarium had been the stroke of good fortune she needed after years locked inland, and she would repay that fortune in kind.
Somewhere in the tank, there was a tap-tap-tap.
Out in the grand hall of the Aquarium, G'raha pressed a hand to the acrylic—he was going to get in so much trouble with Estinien for that later if he left a smudge—and gave her an encouraging smile. Lunya had no idea if he could see her blush, but she didn't try to cover her face as violins swelled through the speakers. This was his song, the one he wrote himself after her very first show, back when she hadn't realized he was the new researcher Krile convinced Minfilia to add him to the staff. It was their song.
She pressed her hand against G'raha's. The glass between them was cold, but she could feel its warmth in her heart. Feeling a little bold, courage keeping her afloat, she blew a kiss as she flipped back, her fins rippling in the waves as she swam to her place above the large clam shell centerpiece of the tank.
In a place that was more like home to her than her little apartment, doing something that meant the world to her, feeling like herself half-dressed in her mermaid garb, surrounded by people who cared for her, and encompassed by this affection that she wasn't all that certain she deserved but was dedicated to earning, Lunya began to dance.
technology hates me
"It's a stress reaction" being the prime reason for all my problems is so ridiculously funny at this point. So you are telling me that when I am slightly stressed, my allergies get worse, my bones/joints hurt, I get nauseous and dizzy, my skin goes crazy, also I need more sleep and sometimes part of my hair falls out? And all of this happens at the same time? When I have the same things to do I did for years now without a problem? Huh? And therefore you won't look into me being in literal pain further, because... I just need to de-stress? And it doesn't count as a chronic illness? What?
like I don’t even like cats but. I want one
*pokes dash* someone awake…?
Alright that is enough spam posting………….. for now.