#online diary Tumblr posts

  • hurting super duper extra brain is kinda on meds make it foggy make it not a death threat god it fucking hurts it fucking hurts it fucking hurts

    View Full
  • image

    brave little soul

    View Full
  • Maybe I should stop looking at my phone, I know I won’t receive a message anyways.

    View Full
  • Yesterday I was feeling a little blue, today i feel kind of empty. It’s ok, I’ll write about it and hopefully tomorrow I’ll have a good story to tell.

    View Full
  • I accidentally stayed up til 1 am thinking about you

    View Full
  • It’s funny, I’m always saying nonsense words.

    View Full
  • September 15, 2020

    I didn’t want to face reality to be honest but I weighed myself recently at work and I’m over 300lbs. My scale at home goes to 300lbs. To be exact I’m at 308lbs. There’s an industrial scale for the laundry department so I weighed myself there. Holy crap i got really big! It’s my fault for sure. Instead of moving my body during the months I was out of work I just ended up stuffing my face. My clothes have been a bit tight but that didn’t make me see that I needed to change! I struggled with my weight all my life and I know I eat when emotional. I was out of work and I stressed over it. It’s no excuse I should done something. I should have at least done my random dance party since I mostly spend my days listening to music. Oh well can’t dwell on the past! My health insurance has a program for weight loss/diabetes prevention. It’s free of cost and currently online. So I’m taking them and today was my second class. I taken these classes in person and I would say I prefer it more. Online is ok. I’m learning how to change my lifestyle for the better. My instructor Jennifer said that “change is awkward” and I agree. It’s always a bit weird to get back into a fitness routine or trying a new workout/food. I did my first 8fit workout after months of not doing it and a minute of squats. I felt really good afterwards! I always forget that happy feeling I get after moving my body. Sure it hurts doing the workout or after it I’m sore as hell. Also eating foods you aren’t used to is hard or even quitting certain foods too. I haven’t had any soda for almost a month. I’m trying to cut down on bread but that’s been tough as hell. It ain’t easy but every small victory feels good! I just restarted my weightloss journey again so I still got a ways to go. I’ll just do the best that I can and push myself when I can.

    View Full
  • Algún día tendré la fuerza para hacerlo.

    View Full
  • Hoy siento que todo se me escapa de las manos, mis pensamientos negativos van tomando mayor presencia.

    View Full
  • Tuesday, September 14th, 2020

    Dear diary

    Today was good. I got up early for no reason, because apparently I didn’t have to work??

    Once I found that out, I started a new save in Skyrim. I modded the fuck out of it, of course, so now I’m playing as a skeleton Khajiit named Gerard, a traveling meat salesman and cannibal.

    Besides that, I decided to buy a PlayStation. I don’t actually have the money for it yet, but when I get my paycheck I’ll be able to afford it. I also wanna get a VR headset so I can play Skyrim in VR. I’m thinking of playing as a Nord for once, since they’re basically the white people of Skyrim, and I’m white, so it’ll work.

    I ate my brother’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch, since it’s the only vegan breakfast we have that doesn’t take several minutes to prepare, and now he’s mad because it’s all gone. I should have told him I ate it, but I didn’t. I don’t know why. I’d only owe him like, a dollar. I have a dollar. I’ll probably just buy him a new box and leave it on his bed so I don’t have to do the awkward “hey I ate your cereal, no I didn’t lie about it, I just didn’t tell you because you had already mentioned it once and I didn’t actually hear you the first time so now I’m in too deep”. Yeah.

    I was reading some fanfiction earlier and noticed I still have the entirety of The Strange Case Of Doctor Jekyll And Mister Hyde on an open tab, so I should probably get around to reading it at some point. Then again I also need to finish Warrior Cats, but that’s way longer.

    Anyway it’s like 1am so I’m gonna go to bed. I actually do have work tomorrow, and sure I work the night shift, but being awake is good ig.

    K bye.

    View Full
  • today I had online school. this is the first full week of it. before classes, I’m always so nervous even though there’s nothing to be nervous about. once I’m in the class I’m fine, though. so I guess I just have to get through the anticipation and I’ll be okay.

    Keep reading

    View Full
  • I’ve been in this relationship half a year now, living together, splitting bills, buying him things, helping with his debt and vehicles. And all I’ve ever asked for in return is affection and intimacy.

    Right now I’m laying in our bed thinking, really trying to not become hostile but, what he said last night threw me off. Since day one, I’ve always gone to bed with him, last night he told me to be my own person… like why you say that to me? I get why but after months of this repetitive behavior, now it’s a problem? It has me feeling some type of way…. #unappreciated.

    I feel unappreciated as fuck and that hurts so much.

    #jupiter in virgo #mars in cancer #saturn in aquarius #lilith in aquarius #1st house in leo #bruja#rootwork#goddess#dear diary#online diary#relationship#venting
    View Full
  • 6:00 a.m.

    I woke up to the slightest movements of my child whom rested in the other side of the room. Soft movements of herself trying to wake up from a long slumber. I know she will be asking for food soon, so i get up to prepare a bottle of milk for her.

    “If you were here, our mornings would be different”

    As i finished feeding her, i layed her back in her crib. I layed in bed now, unable to fall asleep again. All i could do is stare at the ceiling, thinking over a million minor things and at the same time my mind was blank.

    “If you were here i wouldn’t feel so lonely”

    I stood there, in silence for a while until i decided to hop in the shower and start my day.

    The cold water that ran over my body helped me to come back to reality, at least for a moment.

    “This cold feeling thar caresses every inch of my body reminds me of your cold, dead touches

    I hopped out, got dressed with my usual black, thin pants and a wine red, buttoned long-sleeved shirt, a black pair of Oxford dreas shoes and my glasses. Oh those well damned glasses. I wish i didn’t need them.

    As i finished, i went to the kitchen to prepare my much needed coffee. A simple detail that could ruin my whole day if i don’t do it.

    “Patterns, sequences, every day the sequence repeats, over and over, in different ways”

    I am a perfectionist. I try to do everything in the most perfect way possible. I check every single minor detail, every accommodation, everything to be able and feel comfortable.

    I wish i was not this way.

    “This is who you are, embrace it”

    View Full
  • 9/8/20 12:24am

    there’s just something about sitting in a room full of perfect mormon children playing their perfect mormon games while you watch your family fall apart around you that hurts in a very distinctive manner. something about being actively ignored in order to avoid shattering that that image of the ideal family really forces you to reconsider your reality. it’s not so much that i hate functional families, its that i hate families who are collectively unable to understand their privilege. no one prepares you for the searing pain you will inevitably feel when you sit around a campfire listening to someone else’s parents talk about their childhood adventures when you know you parents’ childhood adventures were getting raped on the holy days and mastering the art of closing doors quietly. in my world, remembering your childhood is a privilege. i dont get the luxury of knowing my family because all of us live in the shadow of guilt and pain and anger and trauma. we dont get to gloss over the messy parts and play dress up for our friends on the weekends. there is no costume elaborate enough to hide our broken pieces and it shows.

    View Full
  • Im tired of people taking their aggression out on me. It be clear as day too……its like when I do wrong thats the last straw and I dont even mean to do wrong sometimes and other times it doesnt even seem like its my fault im just the one to get all the blame because of previous wrongs ive committed….im just tired I cant even be sad about it anymore…. everyone’s made their opinion on me amd thats just that fuck it I really just dont care. Im expected to be this fucking doormat of a person all the time and when im at my absolute lowest Im supposed to just always be there for everyone. But when its my turn to have that everyone just abandons me.

    Im tired of being abandoned…but Im not forcing you to stay.

    View Full
  • Inner turmoil

    Today, I am facing my inner turmoil, meaning I am looking at myself and realize that yes I am worthy of being taken care of, I am worthy of everything people fill me up with, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My inner turmoil come from years of abandonment from both parents and even now, I am realizing that I grew up around manipulative personalities and that why I fawn and people please all day until I am exhausted. I’ve spent years of my life being vulrable and putting myself out there. In the past two years I’ve really taken time to fill my cup and it’s been great. I was in a health relationship that has sadly come to an end but the choice was mine at the end of the day. My pain is worth taking care of, I need time for that, at the moment

    View Full
  • Diary entry:

    I enquired about a 10 week art course today. I don’t know what will come of it, until I hear back, but also because of the coronavirus, but I am excited at the thought of being in an art environment again. I haven’t studied art for 6 years and I miss the environment and the feeling of being in an art class. The freedom you feel because, even though you are in a class, you are still doing your own thing. 

    My family have been encouraging me lately to try art again. One family member even said “Why would you not use your talent?” when I joked about another person talking about me going to art lessons. Like with everything funding is a huge part of the ‘problem’… I already have one degree and a student loan to go along with it so getting another is pretty much impossible. I would have to enquire about that if it came down to it.

    But the course I enquired for is a couple hundred pounds, which you can’t get funding for, every student of any age has to pay so everyone is in the same boat there but the course itself sounds really chilled. It is for anyone of any skill level, and it’s for a few hours one day a week, for 10 weeks. If I was going to apply to an art course to gain a qualification, then I would need a portfolio of work and this 10 week course could help me build one of those up. I am nervous, and nothing may come of it but I am also excited. Excited to be trying new (actually kinda old) things and being back to where I originally thought I would be. 

    View Full
  • 2:21 AM

    I don’t know if it’s my anxiety, but I’m still awake; which is unusual for my new sleeping schedule. I feel manic and like I’ll never be able to sleep. There’s something coming.

    View Full