It’s 11.20am on a Monday as I start to write this, and honestly I am so confused about what day it is, what the date is etc. I am feeling really disorientated.
I am day 26 of my cycle and I think because my friends were here last week I missed my opportunity to acknowledge and journey through my crossover day. The last few cycles my summer-autumn and autumn-winter crossover days have been really spacey, I’ve dreamt a lot, needed naps and also just generally felt a bit away with the faeries. I’ve been able to lie down and just day dream and have weird fantasies and visual images. However my summer-autumn crossover day fell within my friends visiting and I didn’t get to navigate it very consciously, as a result instead of having a few hours of crossover spaced out-ness, I’m now in the throes of it. It also happened to land within a few days where I was triggered to shit by my mum and realised just how fucking toxic and narcissistic she is. It reminded me of when I was younger, all my friends fucking loving her, and having no idea how fucking warped and toxic she is.
I really really need to start with the journal speak. I nearly started last night but ended up playing a game on my phone and just not getting it done. I’ve also been pretty shit with my coaching related stuff. I haven’t really actioned any of the things I said I’d do, at least not consciously. I was supposed to check in each morning and basically ask myself how I want to feel today, and also to check in and see how I’d like to move my body. But I don’t, my anxiety makes me get up and get going before I get a chance - I’ve realised.
I am starting to feel really anxious about leaving and heading back off for van life. Last night I was wondering whether I’ve actually made a mistake with the van. I’m craving a home, and now that I have a decent income it feels achievable. However, the van is supposed to help me save and I really really want that. I think it’s daunting because it’s going to be a HUGE lack of routine and structure, which I am not great with, not to mention the additional trickiness of navigating things in this pandemic. I mean it will be a lot better now that things are opening up, but I am nervous about it all. I am going to try and take it from a positive, loving perspective rather than a fear based one.
I am exhausted, obviously day 26, but also from the past few days. They were absolutely wonderful, it was fantastic to spend time with my friends, walking, swimming in the sea, eating good food and catching up. But I drank too much alcohol. Not even excessively, but too much for me, and this part of my cycle. I am just hoping I will not pay the price for it. But yes, exhausted. Can barely keep my eyes open. I had a nap on Saturday afternoon and then a good nights sleep on Saturday, then a good nights sleep last night. But I think I really, really need to try and focus on early nights this week, especially with my bleed approaching.
I need to have a bit of a review of everything on my to do list. I feel a bit like I have lost grip of it all recently, partly because my friends were here, but also partly from feeling dissociated. I forgot how intense it can feel, and how disruptive, and just how disconnected I can get. It has been a long time since I have felt this way, and to be honest, no matter how many times I make it through, I worry that I will never return to ‘normal’ again. I know fighting it doesn’t help, and just making the journey through it easier is my only option. Plus avoiding things that can make it worse (alcohol, lack of sleep).
I am wondering if I have been pushed into dissociation due to the triggering stuff with mum, but also because I told one of my friends about my childhood trauma. Whether sharing it, but not really talking about it, has pushed me into a fogginess in some way. Regardless, I need to just hold myself gently and recognise that my mind/body is afraid of something and that I need to proceed gently. I could also be resisting emotion, which to be honest is highly likely. So perhaps I will do the journal speak thing after this. This doesn’t feel like journal speak, it feels more like an update and brain dump.
I woke up feeling groggy and spaced out. I had breakfast, cleaned my teeth, washed my face and applied some face oil. In the hope it would wake me up, but it hasn’t really! So I guess I’ll just have to take it steady today. I feel like I am on the edge of an angry outburst, fucked off and pissed off with everything. If my mum asks me to do something I know I’ll probably flip. It feels like everyone is on my case, yet nobody is here.
I am due to catch up with my best friend this week, and that will be nice, even if I am on my bleed. I know that social connection is good for my dissociation.
Perhaps I need to give myself some time to daydream and zone out, to navigate that crossover day, albeit it later than it actually happened?
The week ahead isn’t too busy, which is both a good thing and a bad thing I think. Not being busy means more time to think and get myself in a pickle about things, but in a good way it means more rest and time to chill, particularly at this point in my cycle. Nonetheless, I need to spend a bit of time this morning mapping out my week, my food and my tasks. Hopefully then that will give me the space I need to let go and float a bit.
In terms of my schedule this week. I have my first student at 4pm today and finish at 7pm. So only 3 hours which is good. Then two hours tomorrow afternoon. Then I have my coaching call on Friday. I will also need to book in my catch up with my MCA buddy and also my best friend. Other than that, not much on the agenda.
My aims for today don’t account to much, which is good I think given how knackered I am!
- Finish audiobook (1hr 25min left and expires in 2 days)
- Put washing away
- Put washing on
- Sort rubbish
- Send reminder text to client
- Deliver x 3 client sessions
- Respond to N
- Reply to V
- Organised catch up with T
- Insta post
- Put client timesheets up x2
- Order van service bits
- Charge work phone
Ok, actually a bit more than I thought. I think I’m going to go for a gentle walk and listen to my audiobook in the hope it will help me connect to my body! Let’s see! Will check in again later, I’ve missed having this space to check in with myself and think maybe that’s part of why I feel so lost and spaced out right now!