The sun sets on my ideals 
The bubble has been burst 
Wishful thinking on my part 
This to always be a curse.

A sky of pink, orange and blue 
Clouds also dancing by 
I breathe deeply in the air 
The trees not caring why.

Setting still- it takes its time 
The dusk sneaks over land
Booms echo from a distance
No need to take a stand.

Still as the last of color fades 
My mind can’t help but soar 
Knowing trouble will come 
If there ever is a more. 
~
AB

There is one boy I can’t write of 
It stings when I replay - 
I can’t think too long of you- the one that got away

You’re the one I wanted most 
I came so close to love
I would have gone where ere you go 
All doubt my mind free of 

You held me and I was safe
Your kiss a joyous thing 
I thought there was a life to build 
Maybe one day a ring 

How I was wrong
Strike one 
Strike Two
Is there a third in love? 
At least regret no longer there
from past mistakes thereof 

You left my life again 
Broken- I wished you’d stay 
Leave me twice- shame on me- my one that got away.
~
AB

Things were coming out alive tonight
My friend called me up late
She dyed her hair pink
She has no idea how she got there
We spoke about things we wanted to scream about
It was like we were in the year 3000
Her pink hair would remain ‘cause she changed that night
I complained something about the fourth or fifth Italian I meet
She laughed, added some mean true
Things were better then
'Cause we are ridiculous of our kind
I love that
Being aware things aren’t ending

No need to fear what can’t avoid
I will just laugh it away and love again
I can’t help to stay still and look over people
Those who pass by don’t know what they are missing when they don’t look back
It’s 2 a.m
I miss you, still
'Cause we could be together
I am losing, losing, losing
The weather is changing
I don’t fear what I can’t avoid

I look at my friend’s pink hair
Listen to her mean joke about men in disguise
Don’t think about you when she makes me happy about who we are
It’s just the rain going by
Listen go slowly away
It will pass
It’s just not worthy anymore stay up late
Wondering how we got there.

For darlin
I bring the
Thunder
I am the
Lightning
I am all of the colours
Of the sunsets
Combined
As bold as the crimson
Painted on my lips
For darlin
I was not made to be subtle 

-Peaches 

You should stop trying

Stop making that art,

And that poetry

They suck, anyway,

And you should stop

Going to work

You ruin that, too

While I’m at it,

Stop listening to music

Stop sleeping at night

Stop eating breakfast,

And lunch, and dinner

Stop crying, this is only

The beginning again

You should know better

Your ex boyfriend was right

To beat you

You need restraint

You need deliverance

You are imperfect,

And disloyal, and cowardly,

And nobody will ever

Want you until you’re so sick

That the butterflies come back

Into your stomach

Nobody will want you

Until you’re silent again

Nobody will want you

Until you become a doll

Shell yourself until all

That’s left is that stupid

Smile

The one you make with

No teeth,

Because your teeth

Are stained yellow

Wear makeup every day

To hide the bags

Under your eyes

Those aren’t attractive,

But neither is your snoring

Sleep is death’s free trail,

And you don’t deserve death yet

That’s why all of your

Suicide attempts fail

You don’t deserve anything

Not people, or friends,

Or animals, or a job

Not food, or drink, or sleep

Not happiness, or emotions

You don’t deserve anything

Shut up you worthless

Piece of shit

This is why your family

Hates you

This is why your friends

Can’t stand you

This is why your coworkers

Want to fire you

You’re useless,

And stupid, and ugly,

And idiotic, and worthless

You need to just lie down

Stay here where you’re nothing

But a happy persona

On the internet

No one would expect

You were suicidal

So let’s go back you bed,

You annoying stupid bitch.

It’s You

It’s not the silence that make me tremble

I revel in it

It’s not the stretch of space that makes me fumble

I prefer it

But it’s your silence that reverberates and leaves me shaken

I’m definitely not mistaken

The space between us is stretching further

Your back turned to me

My warm hand reaching for your cold shoulder

Reaching for you to come nearer

As, step by step, you get farther

(Farther away)

You didn’t look back

(Farther away)

You never do

- PM

Oh god, it’s back again
It never really went away
This itch on my brain like evil sits
At the back waiting for me to play
Why has it chosen to make me its home
When will you finally leave me alone
Though you have, technically,
Still your ghost is more vivid than ever
It’s red, it’s hot, it’s freezing cold
Goosebumps on my skin, you never get old
It’s a scowl, it’s a grimace, it’s such deep pain
Crying out because I know I’ll never see you again
Why would I, or you, after all we’ve done
So why is a piece of red string still about me strung?
Is terminal love your carte de visite
I’d beg to be put out of this misery, though so sweet
But that’s okay, my dearest love
I don’t feel much anymore, absolutely not what I should,
Now the only way I can ever feel again
Is to play my own sweet version of your game

“Forgive me, for all the things I did but mostly for the ones I did not”

~Donna tartt, the secret history

Dark thoughts

Too many to put into words

I just need someone to talk to

Drunken words are sober thoughts

And I have so many

I need reassurance everything will be okay

Broken hearts and tear streaked faces

I want to heal others

But I have to heal myself first

I hurt so much

But I hide behind quick wit

And kind words

I will be okay

I’m fucked up in so many ways

But I know I can work this out

I just need a little help

June 20, 2018

Maybe it was when I was sad and you told me you were going to cook something, you don’t know how much that helped me feel better, and you used things you usually wouldn’t to make a warm and cheesy sandwich. You didn’t have to, but you did, and it made me feel better. 

Maybe it was when you told me you could dance to all of the old cheesy disney channel songs, and you do (and you know them better than I do). 

Maybe it was way before that, when we stayed way pass our curfews to ramble about anime and people on the bench at church. And we talked about our feelings, and our fears, and our dreams.

Or maybe it was just now when you were laughing while saying goodbye in every language you remembered, maybe it was the way your eyes look at me and avoid me altogether, and maybe it was how you stopped to kiss me, quick, soft, easy.

Maybe it was the time, just wrong and right for the both of us.

Maybe it was the moment, the heat, having nothing to lose.

Maybe it was just you, the whole of you.

Or maybe it was just me, all of me. 

That adores all of you. 

-s.shippley

I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing has been my fault with past relationships. I know that I loved my hardest and maybe there were things I could’ve changed but in the end I can’t force people to carry out their own decisions. It’s not my fault one person fell in love with some other new girl and ditched me for her. That’s not my fault, he chose that. And it’s not my fault that another made a drunken mistake. I didn’t cause that and I can’t force people to stay and to love me as hard as I love them. Yes I’d love to be with someone and be so in love and loved the most in return. But I’m not ready for that now and I don’t need anybody. I’ve got me and that’s all I need right now. Until someone shows up and builds up my trust and proves to me they mean the best, I’m perfectly happy on my own. Because fuck love right now.

msg

Prowl.

The days go by

in a blink,

one by one

blending into the

landscape

like the blur

from the window

of a car as a

child.

—

Much like in

childhood

my sense of fear

is palpable,

wondering when

I’ll take my last

and if it’ll hurt

much.

—

Come taste my anxiety.

Lick the tears

from my cheeks,

growl a low one.

Be the wolf,

I’ll be the carion.

—

It’s the end anyway

and I will laugh

in death’s face

whether I do this

now or later,

afraid or not,

no matter when

we roll on by.

i looked for a place to die 

but found a trampled sidewalk. 

i looked for a hole to put my body 

but they were all full. 

i searched for a gravestone to mark 

but they all had names. 

 i looked for a jar for my brain 

but all they had was jars for fingers and toes. 

i looked for a wolf in the woods 

all i found was a heart eating deer shedding its gorey antlers. 

i searched for a pad to write my life story 

but the pages were full of a madman’s ramblings. 

i looked for flowers to smell 

but they were all wilted. 

i looked for clothes for my back 

but they were all tattered and torn. 

full of holes. 

empty holes.

I got so caught up in you
That I forgot what
I owed myself

-Peaches

oh, hilarious. so that’s what you think of me, i see. and where are all those verdant sometimes that we laughed together? have you thrown those out in favor of mockery? what a sad reversal.

what is the point of friendship if all it boils down to is the deep-seated need to appear wanted? yes, i thought i loved you, but the person i loved would never do something like this. who are you?

calling it a betrayal would be melodramatic to the extreme, but i think i’m entitled to a little melodrama. i want to keep the tears at bay and if it takes cutting words then watch me spit them out like poison needles.

i don’t need your presence. i don’t need you. i miss you and i might still love you but i’m not so weak as to collapse without your support. you helped me and then you tried to make me fall. goodbye.

i remember being seven 

years old and thinking 

being in love meant 

the person i loved,

loved me back.

s.j.l.

First this, then that. What else could go wrong.

This week is going to be long.

Relax. No worries. Just take your time

Get through today one breath at a time.

Can’t imagine how nice it must be to know yourself and not feel yourself transition from one personality to another every few minutes. Wow, mad.

I’ll be your biggest
What if?

-Peaches

If love thinks in colors 
There’s black and there’s white
I’ve only acknowledged
the wrong or the right

Now I try to embrace 
the grey that surrounds
knowing there’s chance
though the idea confounds

 
All or nothing the tale 
I’ve spun in my head
after all the romances 
read to me in bed

But in between
has its beauty too 
In moments we share 
as I process you 

If I must admit- 
then I want more nights
I want our two wrongs 
to finally make right
To turn said dull colors
 to those that are bright

But I can’t force what might not be there 
I revel in the vague 
and let time take care
We may come together
We may fall apart
But at least there will be 
no regret in my heart 

Take each as it comes 
Soak in us like the day
embraced
embrace
embracing the grey.
~
AB