Just looking into the dark void in my room while listening to bauhaus, what abou you?
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I’ve tried a lot of different things but I’ve never stayed consistent. Playing and writing music, oil painting, watercolors, sand art, string art, woodworking, drawing with charcoals or pastels, etc. I was really bad at everything, because I never put enough time into one thing. I was impatient; I wanted to create a masterpiece right off the bat. Also, I was a kid. My parents always humored me though, and that is why you can find a variety of unused supplies and unfinished projects all over our basement.
Writing, however, was one consistent thing. Whenever I thought of a scene or image I wanted to draw and my skills failed me, (which was often) I turned to writing. Now I have hundreds and hundreds of unfinished “stories” (if you can even call them that) crammed into dozens of notebooks and hundreds of files on my computer.
However, now, I feel like I can’t face a blank page. I have so much self-doubt and a constant feeling that someone is reading over my shoulder. But, somehow, sentences find themselves here and there, a burst of inspiration or madness, I don’t really know anymore. Nothing really makes sense, nothing is ever finished. Yet I keep coming back to it. I inevitably get frustrated with my sketchbook and pull out my computer, determined to write, thinking: “I know I can at least do that.”
But can I?
Because honestly, lately, it doesn’t feel like I can. There is so much in my brain that I cannot write into words yet. I want more than anything to write poetry and stories that mean something, yet I barely can write two sentences together without a feeling of failure and a heavy sense of inevitable mediocrity.
I think, somewhere, somehow, I stopped writing for myself and I started writing for some distant, skeptical observer. I over explain everything even though *I* know what I am saying, I know what I want to say and how I want to say it. When did that stop being enough? I worry about how my words might be interpreted by someone else, forgetting that it doesn’t matter.
I let other people dictate what I should do, think, and write. They are all in my mind pushing me this way and that, making it impossible for me to stay true to myself. I’m not sure who I want to be anymore, not because I don’t know who I am, but because I don’t know if I want to be her anymore. It doesn’t seem enough anymore to be myself. I have now known the comfort of being someone else’s, and I’ve also felt how restricting that feels. To be someone’s girlfriend, wife, mother…how could I ever be happy? Yet that’s what I feel I need to be, need to become. That’s what society, and the people around me hope and expect of me.
AND YET
For the first time…literally, the FIRST TIME, I feel I could love someone enough to become more than myself.
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I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy these moments. They don’t happen often. They usually occur at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. They are moments in which I feel calm, my body is able to relax and I breathe a little better. I feel a sense of peace inside, like some part of me knows that everything is gonna work out.
And I let my mind wander. I not only think about things I want to tell you but I have these clear scenes that play in my head, moments that could happen when we’re together again. They’re so real in my mind, I feel like I’m living them, like I’m sitting next to you on the couch and if I only reached out with my hand I would be able to touch you. It’s weird how clear the details are. An apartment with furniture I’ve never seen but that oddly feels like home. Even in these moments, in these fantasies, I feel an invisible force holding me back for fear I’m gonna ruin everything and lose you forever. But it doesn’t happen.
In these fantasies I eventually find the courage to say whatever is going through my mind, ask you about the feelings you keep to yourself, talk about your fears and ask you to give me a real chance, and trust I will not break your heart. And you don’t push me away. You take me in your arms and you hold me.
Most nights, thoughts such as these would bring me to tears, my fears and insecurities would be too overpowering and would knock me down in a heartbeat. So I take comfort in the peace I feel now, trusting the part of me that firmly believes all of this is still possible.
8I just want to fall in love. How hard could it be? What am I doing wrong? Why am I overthinking everything around me? Why is everything so complicated? Why am I so complicated? When is it my turn?
2Thoughts
I always wonder who the other chick
she always tries to talk to him
heart, like, and comments flirt
don’t she have a bf of her own
I don’t get why I think way to
much or I could ask him who
is she
no that’s to much to ask
I trust him or I think I do
I know I know
communication is important
and trust what who is she
a friend, a girl he flirted
after he stopped talking to me
around after and may?
it’s so confusing..
I don’t want to feel pushy
or be to much for him
after my last relationship.. I
just don’t trust anyone else
like females talking to him
I just reject or block guys now
I just don’t understand at all
0Letzte Nacht, habe ich jeglichen Bezug zur Realität verloren. & ich habe Angst, dass es heute Nacht wieder passieren wird. Ich habe Angst, vor der Angst.
seelenspliitter
22The thuds in my chest stopped being my heartbeat a long time ago- past echoes of my tears like the sound of rain.
The infatuation hitting suddenly, like the bitter taste of lime and lies.
that look you’re giving me, i could tell what it is from a mile away.
I’m gutted, there is no light left in me to carry, there is no time you got to hurry.
For everything that stays on my mind, i know I’m not stable so sorry for the headquakes.
I can see no light or i got blind, only what’s powerful is what gets broken.
Maybe it’s the effect of fog, maybe i’m mistaken.
2Dear L.I.F.E. 176 Readers,
I just noticed that my last post was on July 16th, 2017. Yes, a lot has happened. I cannot and will not deny it. Until recently, I suddently felt the urgency to start to write again. Here to you, here with you, here by you.
I just lost my job, yes shit happens, we have the stupid covid-19 to thank for that. I’ve been doing so many interviews, so sick of them. Yes I am still in couple, yes I doubt about my relationship. Yes I wish to be invisible. But then again, I can’t stop questionning myself for some reason.
I just don’t know what to do. I guess that this self confinement has led me to thank life for many things. And to rethink about other things.
I saw 2 nights ago, Sleepless in seattle and You got mail and did notice something. Both stories are real life relationship situations and made me think. Is this me? Then I had to leave my job without telling my my partner, only my family knows, is this normal? What will I want to do next? If I start focusing on myself, will that make me too selfish?
I’ve been thinking non stop, perhaps too much overthinking.
Not sure where I am at for the moment.
If any feel similar, or have suggestions, please go ahead. It’s a free world, it’s a free country.
Regards,
L.I.F.E. 176
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