Could I be something more?
This is a blog just for me. The expectation is that absolutely no one is going to read this and that’s kind of the point. To be honest, I’m going through it. Like really, truly, irrevocably going through it. And not in a funny down bad kind of way, but in a soul-crushing kind of way. Yes, I’m overdramatic. I’m aware. I just don’t know anymore. I know, not an original problem but let me cope. I’m about to finish my junior year of high school and am having a quarter-life crisis. Once again, originality is not the issue here. Unlike most people on this godforsaken site, I don’t have an individuality complex. I’m trying to learn how not to be special because I don’t think I am anymore. I know at one point I was, but not anymore. How do I exist if not to revel in my specialness? Heaps of expectations weigh me down and I enjoy it. The pressure to succeed, the lure of failure all make my daring academic feats worth it. This brings me to this very moment. I feel that I could be something more, that I could reach the same heights I reached just a few years ago, that I could try harder. I need to know if this is a delusion. Am I ordinary trying to act as a God? Am I special but don’t try hard enough? Am I deluding myself into thinking I reached greatness in the first place? So I am not articulate enough to tell this to a real person and am resorting to Tumblr to at least speak out into the void.
Let’s start with the basics, everything I consider essential to my identity. I use she/they pronouns and am bisexual. I’m a white American living in the midwest. I have a mother, father, and 2 older sisters. I have a best friend and a group of friends, but those are separate. My favorite color is blue. I like to read. Math is my least favorite subject, but the easiest for me to grasp. I have a very cute dog. I watch a lot of TV and play animal crossing. My family is upper-middle class. I go to a public high school. I’m a band kid. I like philosophy and fantasy novels. My favorite song is “Cloud 9” by Beach Bunny and I listened to it for a total of 23 hours last year. I value self-expression and independence (this is not to be confused with uniqueness). My favorite show is “Attack on Titan.” My comfort show is “Snow White with the Red Hair.” My favorite movie is “Good Will Hunting.” My comfort movie is the sequel to National Treasure. My favorite book is “The Giver.” My comfort book is The Inheritance Cycle. I am an INTP 5w4. I really relate to Yuki and Rin Sohma. I would like to relate to Ichigo Kurosaki. He gained power for his friends and then gave it up. He does not need to be acknowledged by the world to feel whole. He is complete on his own. I take 40mg of Prozac and see a therapist on Wednesdays. I am incapable of accepting love. No, not because I don’t think I deserve it but because I can’t fathom it. I loathe myself. I’ve never really trusted somebody. More than anything, I want to stand on my own.
Now, what does this add up to? Absolutely nothing. Nothing but delusions of grandeur and good intentions. So, I’m going to start at the beginning and work my way to the present. Maybe, if I’m lucky enough, I can figure some things out along the way.
My earliest memory is from when I was two and yes, I meant the very beginning. I woke up in the hospital it was dark, like really dark and I remember being close to the ceiling. The nurse kept giving me popsicles and I wouldn’t stop eating them. Thinking about my unrestrained enjoyment makes me want to cry, like really badly. I do not know why. The last one I ate was purple but most of them were orange. My Dad walked in with my mother. He had just gotten off of work and was wearing a white collared shirt with brown slacks and black dress shoes. He asked me how I was feeling. I don’t remember anything else. I retained no sounds or smells. However, most of this is probably false. Memory falls prey to suggestion and the only corroborated part of my story is the popsicle thing and the being two thing. Again, is this a normal memory embellishment or am I subconsciously trying to convince my non-existent readers of my brilliance? Do I want people to be amazed at my memory skills from such a young age? Do I want to announce my specialness from the beginning?
I think about this a lot. I don’t know why.
I’ve also been focusing on Paddington Bear. I had a multi-hour argument with my friend over his identity. Culturally, Paddington is British. This we can agree on. He was adopted by British people, uses a British accent, and was introduced to society by British explorers. However, we disagree on everything else. I say Paddington is a Peruvian bear and therefore an illegal immigrant. He certainly does not have British citizenship. She disagrees. She says Paddington is a British Bear and he is not human enough to need immigration papers. To her, he is more of an invasive species than anything else. To me, he is an eco-terrorist. Also, Paddington uses soap and water to wash his hands. Does he use lotion too? Shampoo? Conditioner? He is also a pervert. He grasps the concept of clothes and actively chooses not to wear them. I am aware that he has no genitals, but it’s a matter of principle. He understands clothes as noted by the wearing of his coat and hat even when the weather does not require him to do so, but does not put on pants. Why? The bear is a sentient being and as such, I believe he requires pants.
This is all for now.
Happy World Book Day everyone! I'm dressed as one of literature's greats today, Paddington Bear! #worldbookday #paddingtonbear #paddington #teddybearcosplay #teddybearcosplayer #cosplayingteddybear #cosplayingteddybears https://www.instagram.com/p/CL_yr3whpZe/?igshid=12000y52yyyx8
@paddingtonbear : New Follower ~ Jenny LeClue
“Oh...” It seems Suzy had finally perfected her teddy bears. Before they were stilted and honestly quiet frightening. And far too pink. At least this one didn’t hurt her much protected eyes. What Jenny didn’t know was that this bear was no animatronic created by her friend.
Jenny pushed up the thick-rimmed glasses and thought best to say ‘hello.’
Do you think this hat is a little big for me? . Three Crowns is the national emblem of Sweden 🇸🇪 , present in the coat of arms of Sweden, and composed of three yellow or gilded coronets ordered two above and one below, placed on a blue background . The emblem is often used as a symbol of official State authority by the Monarchy, the Riksdag, the Government of Sweden and by Swedish embassies around the world, but also appears in other less formal contexts, such as the Sweden men's national ice hockey team, who wear the symbol on their sweaters and hence are called "Three Crowns", and atop the Stockholm City Hall (built 1911 to 1923) . There is also the idea that the three crowns would come from Tor , Oden and Frej . The three idol effigies in Uppsala Cathedral have been adorned with a crown each and it is perhaps these that are found in the coat of arms --------------------- posted on Instagram - https://instagr.am/p/CIQR5Qsh_dX/
I love wandering old streets don't you? . Gamla Stan in Stockholm, Sweden 🇸🇪 dates back to the 13th century, and consists of medieval alleyways, cobbled streets, and archaic North German architecture which has had a strong influence in the Old Town's construction. From the mid-19th century to the early-mid 20th century Gamla Stan was considered a slum. From the 1970s and 80s, however, it has become a tourist attraction due to the charm of its medieval, Renaissance architecture . The name Stockholm originally referred to Gamla Stan only, but as the city expanded, the name now also refers several suburban areas. The name Stockholm means 'log island' in Swedish. The previous capital of Sweden was located in Sigtuna. A thousand years ago Sigtuna had problems with armed gangs attacking the city. The situation became untenable and there was a need to find a new location for the capital city of Sweden. According to legend the leaders in Sigtuna then took a log of wood, cut out all the wood inside, filled it with gold, and let it float on the water. The log was floating on the water for several days and eventually hit land on the island where Gamla Stan today is located. The island was named Stockholm or log island, meaning the place where the log had hit ground. This is where they decided to found the new capital of Sweden. The island of Stockholm had the advantage that it was an island, easy to defend from armed gangs that could be thought to want to attack the city . I think I might have to explore this city a little more, it's very pretty --------------------- posted on Instagram - https://instagr.am/p/CHaXfqfhiLP/
How old is the oldest building where you live? . I'm in Sigtuna, Sweden 🇸🇪 which was founded just over 1,000 years ago . Sigtuna is a medieval-style city center with restaurants, cafes and small shops. The old church ruins, runic stones and the old main street (Stora Gatan) are popular attractions for tourists especially in the summertime. The small streets with the low built wooden houses lead up to several handicrafts shops and the old tiny town hall . I'm outside one of the oldest buildings here, located on the corner of Stora Gatan and Laurentii alley it consists of several houses around a courtyard. The house facing the alley that today is 'Tant Brun's Coffee House' is perhaps the oldest in the whole of Sigtuna City and dates back to the end of the 17th century. It is a typical timber built house painted in a traditional color and is a great place to enjoy a Swedish Fika --------------------- posted on Instagram - https://instagr.am/p/CGxG_JuhspM/