I miss something, that we never had.
I miss something, that we never had.
WILL BE NICE TO HAVE A #chocolate #woman keep me #warm when it #chilly #outside I #ride with her all through the #snow she look like she about #success from all the #bullies in my #life from the #past that what I’m aiming for to #prove #everybody #wrong and keep #attacking like a #shark
Ecclesiastes 7:10 (NIV)
Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions.
Folge 1508 | 29.08.2012
Musik: Colin Hay - I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You
INGO: Weißt du, was das Allerallerschlimmste ist? Dass zu Hause keiner auf dich wartet.
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
Ben is sitting at his desk in a busy office anxiously checking his cell phone. He’s been waiting for a text reply from the girl he was dating. They dated for 2 months and he really liked her. Last night he texted her asking if she was free for dinner on Friday night but she didn’t reply. He texted her again this morning and tried to call her during his lunch. She never answered the phone.
He called her again on his way home, and the next morning. He left her a couple of voice messages. “What’s going on?” he thought anxiously, “Is she ghosting me? Did I say something during our last date? She seemed to be fine…”
He never heard from her again.
Laura is standing by her sister’s grave feeling numb, but inside she feels like crying. Her sister passed away when she was in New York. It happened unexpectedly, when she was driving home after the late shift of work.
Laura hasn’t spoken to her sister for two years. Last time they had a fight and each of them was too proud to call and apologize first. Now it’s too late. She didn’t have a chance to say goodbye, to apologize and to say how much she loved her.
When Laura arrived in her hometown, her sister’s body was already buried and Laura didn’t get to see her face. She could only remember her face from 2 years ago when she last saw her. “What was her life like after our fight?” she thought, looking at her grave, “Was she mad at me?”
These stories contain a similar psychological effect, which is called “Zeigarnik’s effect”, named after a famous psychologist that studied motivational influences on memory. Zeigarnik’s effect states that unfinished tasks, actions, or situations are remembered better than the completed ones. We tend to remember things that were interrupted or unfinished for some reason.
Memory has always been an interest of mine. There are a lot of studies on memory from a psychoanalytic point of view to a religious point of view. For example, we remember the main events from our childhood, and due to those events, we create beliefs that affect our behavior and future relationships.
Some religious people believe that our souls knew what our life would be like until the angel tapped us on the lips which made us forget everything.
The “Zeigarnik’s effect” is often used in marketing, business, and even in schools. People that are familiar with that technique use it to motivate the employees or students.
But how does it affect us in everyday lives? We go through relationships that often end without explanations. We don’t get to have a final talk or say a proper goodbye. Most of the time it happens unconsciously and thus it’s out of our control.
Why is it affecting us so much? Why is it so important to say goodbye, to get an explanation or a feedback? And why is that some unfinished actions, situations or tasks we tend to remember for years and some we forget in a day or two?
For example, I didn’t finish my book and it doesn’t bother me. I dropped my classes three years ago and it doesn’t bother me either. But once I was told how much my actions affected a person and made him wonder about me for a very long time. It was when I dumped my boyfriend without explanation. I just stopped replying to his messages. Was I over him? No, believe it or not, it was very hard. But I just had to do it. And I didn’t want to give him my reasons, because we discussed it several times and I thought it’s obvious.
I contacted him a year later when his brother died and from that day we became close friends. Once he said that I made a big influence on him and during the breakup, he thought that if he was to die I would be the first person he would think about.
Sometimes I think that unfinished situations affect one’s more than the others. Some people really need closure to get over things, and some not.
Which leads to another question: what makes that difference? Why some people get stuck in memories unable to move forward? Why other people get distracted pretty easily and don’t remember details about their past? I have noticed that the people who are not getting affected by unfinished situations are those that rarely finish things. They tend to be very spontaneous and always looking for something new. They change careers, friends, and cities. They avoid routine in their lives.
This is why they rarely get exposed to “Zeigarnik’s effect”. I call them “The Lucky Ones”.
I remember things. I remember them so vividly as if they are happening now. It has positive and negative effects. Positive – is that I am able to remember what happened in the past and work on it to make my life better. I don’t even need psychoanalyst. I am a psychoanalyst to myself. I can also write about it in detail which makes my stories very real. The memories that I store turn to experiences that help me avoid making the same mistakes and see a potential danger before it really happened. The negative – it takes time to let go and move on.
I had a friend that I once offended. It wasn’t my intention, but she got upset and deleted me from her friend list and stopped answering my calls. I couldn’t forget it for five years. I was looking for her online, contacting our mutual friends asking if anyone has seen her.
Until, a week ago, I finally found her email. I wrote to her telling her how sorry I am that I offended her. She replied to me and seemed very casual and happy to hear from me. I’m not sure if she was faking it or if she really forgot about that event.
There have been a lot of studies on the fading affect bias (FAB) – a phenomenon that states that negative emotions are forgotten faster than the positive ones. This is why we often reminiscence about the past, even though it wasn’t that good at that time. Does it affect everyone? No, I don’t think so. It affects some people more than the other.
I studied psychology for six years, but I feel like I got more questions than answers. Psychology is not a definite science. It’s not a rule book. No matter how many years you study it, in the end you feel like you are going in circles. You make a theory, conduct a study until you find a confounding variable that raises more questions.
This is why I can’t stop learning. I want to understand how our memory works, how our emotions and perceptions affect our behaviors. Will I ever let it go? Is it possible to find closure? To say “Okay, there’s no way I will ever find a definite answer.” I don’t think so.
…. Perhaps it’s another example of Zeigarnik’s effect.
Ghosts of the past
Coming from time to time
Taking a bit more everytime
When will I be free of them?
I didn’t know what I was doing
I didn’t know…
I hate worrying about the future cause all my fucking problems are based around the past
Last night I got in my instagram account using my laptop. I had taken a break from social media so it had been days I hadn’t logged in. As I was checking my notifications, two people had followed me. I didn’t really paid attention until I saw a name that I wouldn’t be able to forget ever.
So the man that had followed me was someone I really liked in the past. I had made it obvious that I liked him but his behaviour was pretty complex. He was hot and cold 24/7. He ended up hurting me a lot. I am not saying I was an angel though, I am grown up now and I can aknowledge my mistakes. Anyways this ‘’relationship’’ didn’t end well. We both stopped talking and we unfollowed each other back then.
I realised I had to take a decision : ‘’Do I want to follow him back?’’ Do we want to give another chance to the past? Does it worth it? Should we open a door that we locked back then?
The truth is I got really excited to follow back in the beggining, even though I wanted to do it, my hand wasnt going to push the Follow back sign. That man was something I didn’t really have and I would give everything to get a little taste, so why wasnt I able to push the damn sign? Why wasn’t I sure?
I logged out. I got into thoughts. Back then I was deeply in love with him, I pushed myself down for him. But he wasn’t treatting me right. I found myself still lusting that man, thats what happens when you can’t have something. Even though I had forget his existance, seeing him again on my notifications created that feeling again. Maybe he is trying to get back, maybe he likes me, maybe he forgave me and I need to forgive him too. Blah, Blah, Blah…
Then I used my logic. That man didn’t give a damn about me. Look at me now. I am a grown up woman. I did my mistakes and I learned, I am still learning. But the most important thing is that I managed to get self respect. I survived this hard period for me. I moved on, I made a new relationship. I am working on my career, and spirituality, I am in a such better state than I was. I am happy with myself now, I know what I am looking for in a man, I don’t need a man to make me worth it, to make me feel good, because I am a whole on my own.
Thats Cliche but I will always love that man. The old me will always love that man. He is a part of me. I respect him. He is an amazing human being, smart, funny, handsome, cute and kind. If he ever asks me for help I will be there. The thing though, is that I have moved on. I am happy as I am. Time is a healer, but I can’t allow this to happen now. He is not for me now or ever because if one didn’t respect you back then, didn’t really love you back then he never will. I am mature now, I am an adult. I don’t bear hard feelings for him but I have to protect us both. Men are like dogs. The way you let him treat you, will educate him for how to treat you. Back then I didn’t educate that man to respect me, to love me. Why will he now? I don’t know his intentions now. In conclusion, I forgive me because << Everyone’s allowed to be in love with the wrong person at some point. In fact, it’s a mistake not to be.>> But most importantly I forgive him. I let this man go, any other girl can have him, I will be happy to see him with an other girl, I will be happy for him because I love him, and I truly wish the best for him. I just don’t want him in my life now,I am happy as I am now, I know this can’t work out. After all, as Christopher Paolini said <<You cannot miss what you have never had. >>.
P.S I Followed back. I am better than this. No hard feelings as I said, we can’t be together but we both forgive each other and thas the important thing.
untill next time,
Noah was the last bartender to leave Mars Bar after closing that night, staying behind to make sure that the closing checklist had been fully completed. When he finally left, he saw one of the customers from earlier in the night still waiting outside; seemingly still waiting for a ride home. “You alright, mate? We closed about half an hour ago so all the lights are about to get shut off. I can give you a ride home if you like”, he generously offered. @kylspham
People are placed in our lives like a game of chess that the higher powers are playing.