The more you keep doing the things that you do, the further I’m going to push myself away.
2Hi, Journal!
It’s February 28, 2021.
I helped out again at my hospital’s community vaccine clinic today! We pushed through 260-ish vaccines, which is a lot for a small hospital, I think. Even thought I was burnt crispy two days ago, I’m glad I helped again. It’s been a good learning experience; we improve the flow of my section each time we do it, and I feel like I’m learning a lot from it too. At first, I thought I could plan it better in some ways. I don’t think that I was entirely wrong. But being a part of this process, I realized what I have is not necessarily good overall planning ability, but more of good insight and good suggestions. And that’s not to say I don’t have good overall planning ability either, but with large scale events like these, seeing multiple people put in some great two cents, I understand that it really does take insight from people with different experiences, fields, etc. It’s humbling and I feel good being able to learn.
Talk to you tomorrow!
0Hello, Journal.
Today is February 27, 2021.
I’m having such a good time playing Digimon: Cyber Sleuth. The story is so good!!! It feels really cinematic, like it legit could have been an anime or anime movie. It’s super solid and heart wrenching, especially when playing off the characters and their characterizations, the music and the Digimon themselves. It’s so good!! I’m glad the two main games I’ve played on the Switch have been right bangers, one after the other.
Talk to you tomorrow.
0I know nobody is gonna care about any of this.. I just need somewhere to express how I’m feeling, because I can’t express it to anyone I know. I feel so frustrated and exhausted from dealing with all of my emotions! No one understands. I just want to be someone else… Really I just want to be a better version of myself, but that feels so far out of reach.
1Hey, Journal.
It’s February 26, 2021.
My dog is sleeping on me right now, and his warmth and weight is really comforting. Though my butt is a little numb and I’m getting thirsty. I don’t want to wake him up but ah, man, Chester…. 😭
Talk to you tomorrow.
0Daily Intention
Love
Joy
Happiness
Kindness
Compassion
Abundant wealth
Good health
Inspired actions
Good luck
Awareness
Heart coherence
Faith
Peace
Patience
Right action
Greatest good
Highest purpose
Grace0Hey, Journal.
It’s February 25, 2021.
This is sort of an addendum to the entries two days ago, on the 23rd. We had a vaccination clinic again, and the data entry people said the problems they encountered were largely fixed! Yes!! I mean I got creme brûlée’d on both my forearms because I was under the hot sun for five hours straight, but, you know, I’ll take the win.
Talk to you tomorrow.
0Hello, Journal.
It’s February 24, 2021.
I’m really sleepy right now, and I’m just barely staving off sleep’s clutches. It doesn’t help that I’m in bed. In this liminal space, where my mind is blissfully ignorant to my everyday problems and my body sinks comfortably into bed, satisfied with being allowed to fall asleep without a care in the world, I can barely come up with any one good thing that happened to me today. But I can tell you that this feeling of just about to fall asleep is blissfully comfortable.
Talk to you tomorrow.
0Charles came over last night. He told me to wait 24-48 hours to ask him to hang out again, which I always try and abide by. That boy needs his alone time. Whether it’s with himself or another, is the question that I’ve been wondering about.
I invited him over to grab pizza and sit at the park to watch Drag Race UK. Seems simple enough, right? Again, it’s only me that’s putting out the effort of crafting some sort of time together. I should be taking this as a bad sign, but other bad signs trumped the effort card last night.
Mind you, he has again been very “different” in our exchanges, and this seems to be a running joke after every hangout session. He needs a few days to recharge and then he can be himself again. I’m beginning to wonder if himself is really an actual person. I didn’t want to point anything out before we actually exchanged in person, so I could see if the difference carried over to the real world.
Like clockwork, he was acting different in person. I had to practically beg his hand to cover mine. I had to actually ask for a kiss instead of being given them around the clock. Before we even got the night started, I sat him down and proded him for the answers. Being an Aries and all.
I could already tell he probably wasn’t telling the truth. He didn’t look at me and he fiddled with a piece of string. Does he take me for an absolute fool? You think I haven’t been lied to my face by someone I cared about before?
“What’s been going on with you?”
“I’m just in another world in my head”
*Which I will give him because Pisces men tend to be in their heads more than the actual real world
“I want you to be able to talk to me, that’s what I’m here for.”
“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me”
oh, yeah. sure.
He then goes on to spill his guts about how he was driving home and felt like he was being followed by his most recent, abusive ex. Okay- now we’re getting somewhere. He has now for two days not been able to sleep and has been in his head about the whole thing. He managed to slip in that I make him feel safe when he’s with me.
So then why are you always so hesitant to spend time with your *ahem* so called boyfriend?
The kicker, and the thing that has got me now in my head, is the fact that he said that he has been replaying scenes over in his head from their time together and wondering where he went wrong. Is this not the biggest red flag that I’ve talked about so far? At the time, I let it brush over because I could see his obvious distress. But I would love to know if he even realizes what he’s actually saying.
So now you have your current boyfriend stressed about the fact that you’re now thinking about your ex boyfriend. I get the safety thing, but playing past scenarios in your head constantly to the point that you can’t sleep? Do you even wonder how that makes me feel? I appreciate the honesty, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer that you are NOT over your ex. Oh and it’s also clear that I’m not the priority, if any priority in your life.
For the time being, I will be holding in my thoughts and will also be giving you the silent treatment. But believe me, I will speak up. And as always, I hope you’re ready for it.
All my love,
Mitch
1Daily Intention
Gratitude
Love
Grace
Peace
Hope
Blessings
Abundant wealth
Good health
Joy
Patience
Fortitude
Clarity
Awareness
Compassion0I will never let another human being hold me back. I want to build an amazing life for myself.
If you want to grow with me, grow with me. If not, I’ll walk you to the door.
0Hey, Journal.
It’s February 23, 2021.
I feel pretty accomplished today. Despite my misgivings, I took initiative and led a work station at my hospital’s first community CoVID-19 vaccination session. (I didn’t necessarily want to, but it was apparent that no one was going to do it???) It was checking paperwork completion, so nothing actually impressive.
The workflow at my station went really smoothly, thanks to the general vibing of the team. Everyone picked things up quickly, and did really well going with the flow when hiccups happened. I feel proud that I was able to check in on the team periodically and ask how they were doing, if they had any issues or concerns, and communicated any changes or macro issues.
We weren’t 100% accurate with completion, but I’m okay with that. Things are bound to get missed in a new and hectic situation. I did tell the team about the situation at the group debriefing. I asked the team for feedback, since I had checked in with the team after getting feedback of missed spots on the paperwork. Luckily. they were receptive to that and another station leader was willing to help us double check our work.
Overall, it was good! I hope the others thought well of the station as much as I felt like I positively contributed to the flow of the clinic.
Talk to you tomorrow!
0I’ve been trying to move forward from all of the hurting you put me through. It may be taking time, but it is still progress.
0The thing no one tells you about mental illness is, depression isn’t just in your brain. It’s that pain in your side, the trouble breathing, that stomach ache you’ve had for a month and that migraine that just won’t go away.
2Hey, Journal.
It’s February 22, 2021.
I’m watching Mulan (1998) with a friend right now and I’m just struck by how good this movie is. Sure, it’s a big ole nostalgia blast, and I’m sure that affects my perception of it. And I do know it’s not a perfect movie, and that aspects of it are actively problematic. And even though I’m often reminded of how good and absolutely iconic this movie is every time I see a reaction gif or gif set, even though I cognitively know how good it is, I’m still left in awe.
As I’m rewatching this, as I am taking everything in again, damn, color me floored at how good this movie is. I’m just so re-reminded and humbled at how it really just speaks to me on a personal level, how nuanced and relatable the characterization is. And, most of all, how everything flows so naturally together, every line, every feeling, every scene, just flows and and out of my core sense of being.
I thought that I never had a favorite movie before. But I realize that this is it, as childish as it may seem to have an animated film be your favorite movie. But no other movie elicits such profound reactions in me, in my core. This is it. Mulan (1998) is my favorite movie.
Talk to you tomorrow.
2I find myself in the favorite person mode for years at a time. It’s just that one person, I don’t even get why. It just makes me anxious when I think I’m going to never talk to them again. Friends or partners, even family members sometimes. It just feels like I’m going to lose them, and my life will end. Which isn’t the case at all. I’m very capable. It’s just they made me feel like they were different and didn’t choose me. Maybe is the chase, maybe it’s the craving. I don’t know. It’s pretty nerve racking. I guess it’s just that I’ve always been the child no one wanted. Or the family member that went off the deep end.
1Sometimes I wish I had friends. The ones you see in movies who laugh while eating together. Someone to do my make up when I don’t feel well. Someone to pick me up when I’m being a bitch but not knock me down. Friends are so hard to find
2You know, you only have yourself forever. So make sure you treat them the best.
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