I am truly back to the “constantly on the verge of tears” level of depression
It's been almost a fucking decade since I last spoke to my mother. I have been adamant this whole time about not wanting her in my life and having no need or desire to "forgive" her for anything. So why did I still have to read yet another fucking pages-long denial of every beef I've ever detailed having with her yesterday? Why are my other family members continually disrespecting my wishes to literally forget she exists and trying to facilitate communication I. do. not. want?
They are making it impossible for me to have relationships with them. I have to sit here the next fucking day with my heart rate and my blood pressure and my negative effects of stress that are slowly killing me because I just can't stop thinking about the things she has the audacity to lie about.
It's just easier not to have a family at all, for me. It's quantifiably healthier. Like. Do they fucking get that? IS there actually a point at which they might care?
I've only recently realized, how much having someone around who constantly expects and forces your to change, actually impedes your ability to grow.
Forced with the constant pressure to change, you end up becoming entrenched in your current state, vicariously defending your right to be yourself. And while doing that, you start rejecting even the changes that come from within, because you still haven't managed to prove to the other person, that you're worthy the way you are right now.
The saddest thing is, if it weren't for that pressure to change, your natural growth might have actually taken you where the other person wanted.
is toei ok
It’s really good to see people from other countries easing back to their normal lives. Almost three years into this pandemic and Philippines is still far from achieving that coz of this nasty government. Damn it.
My friend Lia and i tried, like, reeeeaaally tried the berserk series for the classic stuff and boy, i’m just gonna say it. This series is heavely overrated. Guts has the brain development of a four years old with little to no agenda. He’s the most dumb and boring guy on earth. Like...he wants to fight. That’s it. Then he wants to kill Griffit for what he did to Casca, but it comes across as flat to me because he’s just so fucking dumb all the time. Is not even endearing dumb, juts plain stupidity.(besides he has this rapey moments i find pretty disgusting)
Griffith is the biggest bitch who ever bitched, As my friend put it “the gayest homophobic” imagine my distaste to find a very umpleasant villain. Me, a profesional villain fucker. The sad part is that he’s umpleasant not because of how evil he is, but because HE’S BORING AS FUCK. Casca is the only person who works in this series. She’s the coolest, and yet she’s constantly pushed to be someone love interest or being behind some stupid asshole without an ounce of critical thinking. She’s shown to be smart, brave and strong, and yet all of that goes right out the window the moment the plot needs her to be in love, which is sad because she’s better than any of these birdbrained men.
The way i value a series is by putting myself in there. How would i fit in the worldbuilding and what kind of relationship would i develop with the characters. If i where to be put in Berserk, i would probably just hit half the characters with a shovel and then set myself on fire.
intercity is fun until you have to choose a seat and you don’t know which direction the train is going and your ass doesn’t like sitting against it
i just watched summer of 85 and now I need a glass of wine, a cigarette and to scream into my pillow for 3 hours
lol, not me breaking down in the middle of the clothes store because everything that's cute and fashionable is small or extra small and the one thing I could that fit me is this grey long and baggy t-shirt that was long enough to be a dress in the first thirty minutes.
So... lately, a few people have let down their guard with me and made comments that left me a little speechless.
Me and my grandma were outside, she was in her car and I was standing in front of a pharmacy. I met a friend who was walking her dog, and I greeted her. This friend knows my grandma as well, and I noticed she stayed in the car, so, thinking it would be nice for them to chat a bit, I told my grandma to get off the car and be with us, using a lively voice. My friend then suddenly said 'oh, come on, you're always so...' and she never finished the sentence.
I'm always so... what? My anxiety immediately led me to think that my friend finds me demanding.
Another episode happened at work: I work in one of the Covid-19 vaccination centres, and my job is to collect the parents' documents so that they can vaccinate their kids. I see plenty of people every day, including people I know - and this time my hairdresser showed up. She recognized me and greeted me, and we chatted a bit as I was printing stuff, until her husband asked me 'when will the doctors begin the vaccinations?' (the doctors hadn't started yet that morning) and I answered, in a bittersweet way 'eh, when they feel like working' which intentionally meant to inform them that the time depended on the doctors' shitty and lazy behavior. The husband reacted in a passive way, as if he expected such a thing, but the wife (my hairdresser) replied with 'oh why are you always so...!' and then she laughed it away.
I'm always so WHAT?! Blunt??? Is that a bad thing??
Last but not least, today I was jokingly told 'I'm a person who works, unlike you!' by a co-worker who apparently believes I do nothing just because I am sitting in front of a PC. Dude. People here can barely open an e-mail. I am more needed than he would ever know.
So yeah. I'm saddened by this, it feels like some people who seemed to appreciate me actually don't really do it after all.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog again
I've had to go outside, run errands and interact with people literally every day in the past week; and I swear to dog if I don't spend the next few days at home building LEGO and reading a book I am going to fucking lose it.
okaaaay so i think i am definitely experience some form of “burnout” right now and it’s been so hard to focus and get things done :( last term was tough, but my work ethic was at it’s best. this term is also tough and my work ethic is a MESS. i know i need to “reset” by taking a break but i literally cannot afford to take a break. there’s such a short amount of time to get all my shit done and damn there’s so much to do :’( i’m trying to get motivated and hyped because my courses this term are all interesting and class sizes are much smaller so i feel more comfortable (even though it’s all online, the smaller class size is waaay less intimidating) i have a MUUCH smaller todo list for Saturday so i hope i can get things done by 4PM and then chill for the rest of the day but idkkk sigh
redownloaded tiktok for all of one day before remembering why i deleted it in the first place and got rid of it again
the self destructive cycle has started and i was going to treat myself to subway but im fucking broke
Ah, police questioning for an hour that started at almost 6am, classic g-town