hello world, it is 1:30 am on a sunday night (monday morning?)
life feels a bit wonky lately. i've felt really good since saturday night but all day saturday i felt like a piece of shit because i was having an anxiety attack for 3 straight hours at work and when i get really anxious but can't go release it (meditate, or usually just cry), i have this bad habit of itching the back of my left hand until it's raw. i kind of developed it after my first breakup, because i had to see them face-to-face every day despite the whole event going down. anyways, i was fixated on doing that in between customers and couldn't do the other parts of my job that i usually get done quickly, and i apologized so many times to my coworker for my lack of productivity, because i knew it would make us run late.
they simply said "it's okay" the first time, and i came back from my lunch break, sniffling, a little bit of mascara staining my eyes from "asleep" by the smiths, which, as you don't know, is my primary end-of-the-world song, which i reserve for days that i can't help but to allow mental illness to beat me to a pulp.
when i was in this messy state, i apologized again, so sincerely that my voice was barely a whisper. i could literally feel the energy in the room soften, and everything felt a little warmer around me. reassurance ensued that i needed to hear so dearly, that the bustling business around me was the primary cause for our lack of progress which would end up with all of us getting out an hour later than scheduled. i don't want to bore you with my work, anonymous reader, but i simply cannot stop thinking about all of the kindness that this one specific person has shown to me over the past month of them being employed.
do you ever just meet someone, and you don't want them to go away? because i know in the field of work i'm in, people come and go constantly, but i can't help but to cling onto them not following the others in that regard. i wish they knew how much they've helped me since we met, most of it indirectly; little jokes and banter and smoke breaks and late nights all add up into this big bundle of security that's dangerously balancing on a cliff.
i know one day it will fall, and break open, and i will have to deal with all the emotions that this joy is covering up, but for right now, i could not be any more grateful for this new person to come into my life and join the small circle of people that can comfort me so gently.
my post wasn't going to be about this at first, but typing as i go when my brain is silently screaming every second of the day leads to some funny things.
on the topic of brains; can you see things, images, in your mind? because i can't. i've learned over the past 2 weeks that it's called aphantasia, and it really helped me in the sense that i've never had visualization meditations work for me because i... can't visualize. when i close my eyes, i see tv static, but it's all this weird, dull assortment of colors. i envy people who can visualize, especially as someone who wanted to get into visual art. it's impossible for me to focus on a full art piece when i can't even imagine my own concept.
well, lovely reader, thank you for reading. nobody read this, i know, (except i don't know. maybe one or two people. s/o if you're one or two people.) (wait) (that doesn't work)
goodnight tumblr diary,