I feel ashamed. Experiencing racism and rape and sexual assault makes me feel like, maybe I am wrong, I am bad, that all the world says about blackness, queerness, womanness and their intersections is right, that I deserved to be taken down a peg or two for getting ideas above my station, that I ever dared to love myself, to hold my head high.
Rape is disciplining, when my (now ex) white boyfriend raped me it often felt very hateful, like I was an object to be put in my place. I am stuck grappling with how he and his two other white girlfriends moved on with their lives. His girlfriends never contacted me. It makes me think they were glad I was gone, but also women are agents of patriarchy/misogynoir too - maybe they were happy the black queer femme, the disruption, had been taken down a peg.
I feel like the scapegoat - I carry all the bad feeling, the shame. I have been designated the problem. I have been left to withdraw quietly from the kink community I was a part of - taking the problem away from them. But it’s not me, it’s them, I don’t want to carry the burden anymore.