I became a ghost, even to myself. Wandering through each day, the incorporeal fingers of my soul reaching out to the world, and sliding right through it. So I keep wandering, hoping each day will be different, that perhaps today, my ghost will find what it is looking for, and perhaps in that moment, this world will make sense to me.
I do not remember the idea of your touch, or almost touch; presence. Today I wandered beneath the night sky and felt, insanely, like I was more apart from you than ever before. Often I remember your face.
“i know we haven’t really been talking much and i don’t write as much as i used to and maybe it’s my fault. it probably is. it doesn’t mean that we’re not close. you told me awhile back maybe i have a hard time writing because sadness pushes us to express those feelings and try to connect the dots like constellations traced with fingers by two lovers in a hot tub trying to find meaning within themselves— we are bigger than all of the negativity. we are so much larger if only we’d just slow down and try to see it. i don’t want to write only when i’m sad, i want to write when i’m happy too. i want to write when i’m bored and it’s okay to express that. loneliness is a silent killer, i’ve been praying for an answer, and sometimes all you’ve got to do is look a little deeper. you don’t always have to be happy, you don’t always have to be so sad, young man. sometimes i’m lost in my head, but i’ve been in spirits as of late. do you ever feel that conflict in your head? some duality within yourself that’s itching to get out? it’s more than a headache, but closely related to heartache. my soul is hungry and i’ve been trying to fill its belly up with something real. i’m tired of fake things, i’m tired of faking some of my emotions, i’m tired of smiling when i’m not alright, it’s good to let those things out. you don’t want to implode, it’s not a pretty sight. i know we don’t talk anymore, but i always think about you. thank you for keeping me company during the latest parts of december. you’re my best friend and i love you so much. i hope you’re doing alright.”