#ptsd Tumblr posts

  • Rebecca Veltrie . March 30, 2020

    I am someone who stresses pretty easily and always has.

    Whether it’s something little or something big, I tend to overthink and over stress. I have also struggled with depression and anxiety ever since high school. At first, these feelings were difficult to manage and they often times took control of every aspect within my life. After high school I tried therapy, which at the time, I believe I was too immature to really absorb and reflect upon what I was experiencing. I continued dealing with these feelings until a few years went by and I tried therapy again. There were many things in my past that I did not confront completely–something that needed to be done. It was when I was diagnosed with PTSD that I started understanding my life in a completely different way. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD were roller coaster rides for me and believe me when I say, I’ve tried many things to control and diminish them. 

    Some of the things that have helped me cope in the short-term fall in line with taking care of myself physically. This includes working out every day, playing soccer, and doing yoga. Most recently, for my mental well-being, I have even tried practicing meditation. Although some of these do work temporarily to lower my stress and anxiety levels, they are not effective in diminishing those levels completely, even while doing the task.

    I have found that there is one method that fully clears my mind, allowing me to feel completely at ease. That method is sketching. Art has always been enjoyable for me ever since I was little, and I never really realized how much of an outlet it was, and has now become, for me. Sketching enables me to scribble away my stress levels, and I actually give myself the time to concentrate on something other than my thoughts. In a way it feels like a form of self-love, to do something because it ultimately puts my mind to rest when the days get hard. I am empowered to create something beautiful even during some of my darkest times and I’m very grateful for that.

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  • Speaking from personal experience and not in the basis of anything I am currently experiencing as much as I am reflecting, but having repressed memories is really interesting. On one hand, you know there is a lot of blank space and that a lot of bad traumatizing things happened there. You don’t know what happened of why it was so bad, you can have theories but not anything you can personally remember. And then something comes up, to remind you of those days, and it is super triggering, but at the same time, you don’t even know what happened. You don’t have anything directly in mind that was triggering, yet you feel the full fear and terror of the general concept of something you don’t even know.

    It’s just interesting of a thing I am looking back upon when thinking about the majority of my childhood. I really don’t know what happened - at least nothing in specifics. I know there was a lot of physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence, and neglect, but I really couldn’t tell you much beyond that. Ever so rarely, I might find myself having a “horrible flashback” to that time, yet I still won’t know exactly what that time entailed. All that I will really have is that it was bad, it was terrifying, and that I never ever want to go back to living like that and doing so would feel like death. Why? I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you, other than the feelings felt like fact.

    Just some thoughts on my own personal experience - not anything documented or researched or anything.

    -Riku (Host)

    #alter: riku#did#osdd #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid#actuallyosdd#ptsd#c-ptsd#trauma #tw physical abuse #physical abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #emotional abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw neglect#neglect tw#flashbacks#flashbacks tw
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  • how many shots more of coke before i gain superpowers 🦹‍♀️ i feel so empty and it’s all your fault.

    remembered about binding my a cup tits at 12 because i didn’t want you to see them through my shirt and touch them like you always do didn’t stop you

    too bad i’m floating now you’re 39 and you can’t see your kids because they know what you did

    fuck toy fuck you fuck you

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  • why does my mood swing so fucking HARD

    #and so fucking FREQUENTLY #FUCK #olives.txt #vent#traumacore#bpd#bipolar#suicidal#suicide#ptsd #i have no idea what ive actually got im just tagging for notes bc they help
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  • When do I get to stop questioning how loved I am?

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  • Speaking Out About The Sebaciel Ship


    Trigger Warnings: mentions of pedophilia, abuse, and trauma in general


    Now I see posts - many posts - about Black Butler. I see my favourite characters such as Undertaker, Sebastian, Ciel, and much more. And there I sit lounging in my tracksuit for the day and scrolling through Tumblr, admiring all the contributions to the fandom and eating some sandwiches…

    And then I eventually come across Sebaciel.

    And damn…it really puts me off my sandwiches.

    So this is the subject that I’ll be talking about today:



    So I see people on Tumblr - Sebaciel shippers in particular - ranting on one of their posts about how the Antis don’t leave them alone and always make posts going on about how “bad” Sebaciel is. If you ask me, they’re just expressing their opinion. Just like the Sebaciel shippers that rant about them in their little post(s) of their own.

    And now it’s time to express my opinion.

    I don’t like Sebaciel.

    I despise the ship.

    So in this post I’ll be talking about the reasons as to why and going into detail about them in order to make my points as clear as possible for both the Antis and the Sebaciels.


    So one of the seemingly more popular excuses for shipping Sebaciel is that “it’s only fictional, it’s not real”.

    This reason for their relentless shipping of the pair bugs the absolute living shit out of me.

    So first off, there are survivors of underage/sexual abuse out there that could easily be offended and/or triggered by the content that the Sebaciel shippers make and publish. The victims of this abuse would have went through something utterly traumatic, something so horrific it would have likely left scars on their hearts and on their minds. PTSD for example, many, many survivors of underage/sexual abuse may have developed over time. The content that the Sebaciel fans make can easily be triggering for the survivors.

    Second of all, imagine a scenario where you’re writing a story. One subplot of the story involves an underage child being sexually abused and in a “relationship” with an adult. As you can tell this book is fuckin dark but that’s besides the point. Nobody would be rooting for them two. Nobody would want this “relationship” to last. Nobody would think “ah yes, pedophilia is so good, let’s ship it”.


    That is essentially the Sebaciel ship. But instead of people not liking the ship, many just pour some sprinkles on it and sugar coat it by saying “aw so cuuuutttteee uwu look at how Sebbbbyyyy looks at Ciel kyyyaaaaa!!!!!!”.

    It’s not a healthy ship. It’s pedophilia.


    I also notice that some Sebaciel shippers like to point out mistakes made by the Antis. For example not mentioning trigger warnings at the beginning of a story. If you’re that concerned about that kind of stuff Sebaciels, maybe but a trigger warning on your entire blogs? Might prove useful. You of all people are in are in no position to criticise someone else’s mistakes, I’ll just say that.


    Ok let’s put aside the fact that Ciel is a literal child for a second. Let’s say that he’s aged up and in a consenting, adult relationship with Sebastian.

    It’d still be very toxic.

    Firstly, if people were aging up Ciel from a child into an adult, he’d still be the Ciel we know - a child. At the centre of it all, past that adult exterior, lies a child. Not an adult.

    Secondly, even if Ciel was an adult to begin with, the relationship would…guess what…still be toxic.

    Ciel is a traumatised human being, having gone through absolute Hell to get where he is - he even shows a lot of symptoms of PTSD! And then there’s Sebastian. A hungry, practically emotionless demon that is taking advantage of a traumatised person just for his own benefit.

    And now let’s add back on the fact that Ciel is a literal child. The ship only gets worse from there.

    It’s not a good ship.


    Now that’s my opinion on Sebaciel and it’s community. Fuck that, I wouldn’t even call it a community, more like a bunch of people that agree with pedophilia.

    But anyway, I hope you guys with at least a brain cell out there are having a good day! Signing out!

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  • Walls of wood, floors of stone

    The eerie congregation

    Of which she called home

    Eyes that are coal, ears stuffed with cotton

    The features of the faces

    she’s nearly forgotten

    Stairs that creak, windows that shatter

    The memories of a sordid childhood

    Of which she hopes one day won’t matter

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  • [PART 1]

    Warnings: mentions of death and torture, PTSD symptoms, angst, mentions of blood, just a tad of fluff, Fighting (Kylo and Hux), getting turned on by violence, SMUT [18+] Oral sex f!receiving
    Word Count: 4,8K
    Summary: Returning to your normal life after being kidnapped isn’t easy. Work is taking a toll on you, and Hux seems to make it worse. Kylo returns your wedding ring to you and finally, you’re ready for closure. He lets you see what he did to the man who tortured you. Eventually, he takes your mind off things in the most pleasurable way…
    Author’s Note: If you don’t like domestic Kylo, you probably won’t like this. But if you do, you’re in for a treat! Don’t worry, you’ll have Kylo’s rage as well ;) Please enjoy Xx


    Keep reading

    #Kylo Ren#Ben Solo#tw violence#tw gore#tw PTSD#PTSD#tw anxiety#Angst #Kylo Ren fanfiction #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x you #kylo ren imagine #kylo ren one-shot #star wars #star wars fanfiction
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  • I wrote this a long time ago, and came across it today:

    The stars are bright, and the moon lights my path as I weave my way along the wooded trail. Who would I meet? What wonders did I think I would encounter all alone among the crickets and mosquitoes? Perhaps a talking caterpillar, or a Cheshire cat…

    I keep walking.

    Step by step I plunge further into the abyss my mind is trapped in, unwittingly.

    I still hear the crickets.

    My heart speeds up when I hear the sound of a rattlesnake. It’s right next to me; taunting me, torturing me, making my body shake with fear. I tell myself to move; try to ignore it.

    I keep walking.

    Right. Left. Right. Left… The snake is still there, but it sounds further away now.

    I still hear the crickets.

    I am suddenly stopped in my tracks by the sounds of a predator. I quiet my breathing and make no movements. What is it? A bear? A fox? It’s too dark to see. I hear leaves crunching under the paws of the animal. They’re getting closer. I feel the hot breath of a wolf on my back.

    I am running.

    The wolf is faster than me and the snake has made friends with it. They’re gaining on me, but…

    I faintly hear the crickets.

    Ahead, I see fire. I don’t know how big it is. Is it a forest fire? I slow down. I am stuck; surrounded. The fire is growing; the wolf is inching closer, teeth bared; the snake has wrapped itself around my leg.

    I can’t move.

    The crickets have stopped… Their comforting sound no longer hums in my ear. I am scared. I am so scared.

    I feel a hand on my shoulder. My surroundings fade. I haven’t yet stepped into the woods. I turn around and see your warm, bright eyes in the moonlight.

    “Don’t go without me” you say. You hold out your cupped hands to show me a cricket you have caught. The small creature jumps from your palm back into the vegetation it calls home, and I become aware of the sound of the crickets again.

    Hand in hand, we walk together.

    The crickets are cheering us on.

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  • I LITERALLY CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM SWEARING SO MUCH!!.. It’s like you can only deal with so much fucking stupid in this world, it’s like natural defense mechanism now, simple minded people are so fucking dumb & annoying.

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  • Ugh we have always wanted to make a youtube since youtubers became a thing. And now with everything happening in the world and the DID community, and with us self-isolating, it would be such a great time… except for the fact that we could only record on our phone. And X is very much a perfectionist and has always wanted to at least have a good video camera and microphone before we started but we don’t have the financial means for that rn. So its just been a constant battle of just do it with crappy quality but plenty of time to devote to it, or wait for the good quality equipment but possibly no long have the time or energy to produce anything. I don’t know we’ll probably put it off forever aghhh

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  • When I get back from being lost

    I hope to find myself once again

    Straighten up my creases

    Paint my body with poetry

    I will mend my tainted excuses

    My selfishly being unselfish

    I’ll fathom the jazz of insincere promises

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  •   To finally see my best friend who lives halfway across the world. – Guest Submission

    (Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

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  • I stopped treatment for general anxiety disorder… and major depressive disorder…. and post-traumatic stress disorder.

            Without the go-ahead from my therapist and psychiatrist.

    I feel like my entire family hates me

          Mainly because they always act like they do.

    I grew up with a verbally abusive father, 

             And a mother who used me as a way to get back at him.

    I’ve never felt like I truly belong anywhere.

             Except when I scroll through the anxiety and depression memes on Tumblr.

    I secretly hate life.

    Like, really, really hate life.

             And I secretly want to love it. I try so hard to love my semi-privileged life. But it’s hard.

    I’m still a minor… and I’ve moved out of my mother’s house multiple times.

                And every time I had to pay my own way.

    I always act like I know EXACTLY what I’m doing and where I’m going with my life.

             I don’t know what my life will look like a week from now.

    I’m secretly a die-hard romantic.

            But no one ever believes me because I have a hard shell.

    I use anger as my defense mechanism.

             On the inside I am ALWAYS hurting and crying for someone to help me.

    I have attempted suicide one time, to my family’s knowledge.

                I have attempted six times and have made over a dozen plans.

    I have a BIG personality that is unique.

                And I hide under a basic skin because I’m afraid of being judged.

    I talk to a lot of people

               But I really don’t want to talk to any of them.

    People think I have a lot of friends.

               I don’t consider even my “best friends” true friends.

    I’m terrified of being alone forever

              But I really hate being around people

                        Mainly because everyone judges every move I make.

    I posted a cry for help last night when I was about to follow through with a plan.

              The only person who told me I was worth something in this world was a girl who I went to school with for one year, She didn’t think I knew who she was.

    I can’t make myself throw up

                No matter how many times I shove a toothbrush down my throat.

    I don’t know how many people will read this. Probably none. And that’s fine. I’m not writing because I need this to be seen. I’m writing in case one person needs to know their not alone in their struggles. I’m still struggling. I’m a complete wreck who should probably be hospitalized. But I’m still kicking somehow. 

    If you are reading this and you’re in need, please know you are NEVER alone. Please reach out if you need a friend. Be a wreck with me, a fellow wreck.

    I’m still playing this royally messed up game of life, and so are you. Don’t end the game early. It might turn out ok :)

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  • Sometimes it’s embarrassing being an adult with mental illness. There is still this stereotype that mental illness is a teen/young adult problem and that you eventually even out as you get older and into the “real world.” As if at some point you’re supposed to learn to act normal and conform to the societal expectations of an adult. No matter your diagnosis or level of severity. Somehow one day you either fall behind and become the pity of the other adults or you learn to internalize and hide your symptoms and fall into line.

    #it's so frustrating #like we don't just suddenly stop being mentally ill when we become adults #but somehow that is the expectation #don't ask don't tell #mental illness#mental health#depression#bipolar depression#bipolar#schizoaffective#schizophrenia#anxiety#social anxiety#ocd#ptsd#cptsd#bpd #borderline personality disorder #did#osdd#dpdr#dissociation#self harm#self injury#eating disorder#bed #binge eating disorder #anorexia#bulimia#osfed
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  • Why can’t I remember anything nice about my childhood?

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