thinking about... queer & specifically trans desire, how certain aspects of queer dating/hookup culture create very specific roles and make it easy for people to just. live in those roles if they've learned to avoid really Thinking about what they want (because what they want is hard/scary/could lose family, friends, job -- esp for trans/gnc people -- respectability (tm)). the roles are rules, the roles are armor. and for a lot of people there is this push-pull of want that / can't have that / but who SAYS I can't have that / I don't know. (There's a switch, sometimes: ok, I want that, so what's stopping me. Finding this switch is harder than it seems like it should be.)
So the roles let you Want Things In Safe Versions, it's not YOU it's just a Role. But the roles also require mutual, willing participation -- both partners have to want to play the game, have to want to keep to the roles, or else, uh oh, intimacy. And thinking abt how the most interesting queer romances I have read to some degree involve characters who are Learning To Refuse The Roles, who don't like the role they're being asked to play and refuse to participate in it and won't accept anything less than movement toward genuine connection even if it's an absolutely terrifying process for one or both partners to get there.
working on *clenches fist* learning to write that