Weird Rant
But I think my… Best |and only| friend, killed herself.. And.. I don’t know what to do… My.. Emotions.. Are everywhere to where they aren’t even cooperating… I can’t cry… I basically called her my sister… She got me.. and I think she’s gone… I lost the only one who cares..
Maybe if I can convince my uncle to take me with him to work I can get someone to run me over with a train.
A few weeks ago I was deep in thought and because I’m no philosopher I thought, ‘wow… Connie gives a huge impact on Stevens life…’ without Connie Steven wouldn’t be that in contact with humans. Sure there was Sadie, Lars, the cool kids, and especially Greg. But none of them had a deep relationship with Steven and helped him understand things when he was confused.
Don’t get me wrong Greg played a huge part in Stevens life teaching him humanity till he was 12. I love Greg but after that he kinda left Stevens life. Im so glad Connie came into the picture because she continued that connection with him and humanity.
Oh, and we can’t forget how Steven changed Connie’s life. Without Steven she wouldn’t even near who she is today. A sword fighter, an out spoken strong woman, a love for adventure. Steven made her life healthier. She’s prouder and strong willed. She’s just herself in general Steven showed her that she can be herself, she doesn’t have to worry about what other people think.
I’m just gushing over them because they made such a strong impact on each other’s lives, and still do. They deserve each other.
I never identified as American. In fact until June 2019, I wasn’t an American, just a permanent resident and became a citizen last summer. But I’ve never felt American because I’m an immigrant and I’m in a family of immigrants who do not feel like they belong here so those feelings transferred to me and while I am grateful for the sacrifices my family made to raise me here I feel upset and frustrated that I don’t feel “American” enough because 1) other americans will shame you for not feeling as patriotic or blended as they do or 2) immigrants are like “well you were raised here so what do you have to complain about” so idk I feel upset when people call me American because I don’t feel or think like I am American sometimes because of the isolation I feel but it would be silly to call myself Haitian because I wasn’t raised in Haiti and I was taught that I’m not Haitian because I didn’t speak the language and grow up on the island. Obviously my mannerisms and dialects are “American”, but my politics and identity have never been drawn just from the United States. Even though I went to school in America, even learning about US history and being around other American students……I just hate the feeling of guilt I have for not being American because people shame me for it which is stupid. It’s also weird to be American and live in a country that’s taken a part in dismantling yours so there is that. IDK if anyone can relate to this but these feelings I have just come out when someone makes fun of me for being American and I am like, am I? Also a lot of people who call me American don’t know that I became a citizen less than a year ago, and feared deportation for 4 years before that so it’s not fun when I literally felt like I was gonna be forced back to move to Haiti any moment for reasons sooo idk this rant was really rushed and its long as fuck so I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing nor do I want this post to be used as like “hahah immigrants hate America” or “Minah hates being called American”. when I interact with people from outside of the US and their disdain towards Americans were my disdain because that’s how I feel from other Americans but then I get grouped within that overall american disdain (not that it’s always justified) I just grew up around American citizens in Massachusetts my whole life and the differences are right there. This rant is soooo messy welp def know that other immigrants feel this way
goddamnit my old fortnite art is biting me in the ass. S O MEONE USED IT IN A TIKTOK ITS SO UGLYSHS ABSJSKS. AAND MY FRIEND SAID IT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST RESULTS WHEN U GOOGLE THE FORTNITE SKIN AHAJAJKAKADJHSHSHS
I feel terrible. I feel powerless on stopping my classmate from bullying my friend. We’re fucking adults, but people protect this asshole like he’s an edgy 13-year-old and not a 20-year-old man picking on a neurodivergent 19-year-old. He does this thing where he makes insulting comments pass off as jokes so he could reel back in case he gets called out. He does this multiple times. In a single conversation.
I’m not in the main position to report him either because he could reel back into this defense and he usually targets my classmates that can’t fight back. He tiptoes around me because my father’s the legal consultant of the discipline board, but I know he knows I don’t like him. I don’t like him because he targets my publicly-known neurodivergent friends.
I can’t even speak out about it with him because I’d be “causing drama.” Can’t even rant about it on Twitter because of the same reason. Tumblr is the only place they haven’t found me in yet.
I feel so done. I thought my classmates understood me better since we had the same interests, but they seem more preoccupied with protecting an asshole than the wellbeing of someone defenseless. We’re only freshmen college students, and this sophomore asshole has been targeting my friends. I feel terrible.
My problem is if you don’t give me mega specific instructions, I will not understand what you just told me and I will manage to do it wrong every time. Do not use vague words when telling me how to do something. I overthink!
But also, if you give me too many instructions, I will forget what you told me. I’ll do like the first two steps then every so often, I will have to ask you what I have to do next. I have a horrible memory.
But no one ever avoids both. Either they give me a bunch of specific instructions, little but very vague instructions, or a lot of vague instructions (which can be a whole other rant) I know critical thing and common sense and all that but why?!?! I was not meant for this!
Anywho, this is me being bgleh but I know I’m not the only one.
Ayyyeeee guess who found a bunch of pics whilst going through my phone!
So sorry in advance for possible face spam. Maybe even bum pic if I get extra brave 😁
I recently (over the past 6 months) realized that I’m nonbinary (agender to be specific.) A small part of me wants to change my name (not even legally necessarily, but at least how I introduce myself) to Cal. The thing is, I’m only “out” to a handful of people (plus my voice is a dead giveaway to my assigned gender so what difference would it make to have a more neutral name…) I don’t even know if I really like the name Cal yet because I’m afraid to ask even the people I’m out to to call me by it, I just don’t really identify with my birth name. (Side bar: I’ve always hated my legal name, but I never took issue with “Cat”. I do like the name I was almost given - Catti-Brie. Instead, I was named Catherine Brianna, which put together makes Catti-Brie, but even that is too feminine for my comfort lately.) A part of me really wants to feel valid in my identity, but it feels like there are more hurdles than I can jump. Almost all of my friends and family are very accepting, lgbt+ allies (or part of the community themselves) but I’m still too scared to come out. I guess I’m just scared that nobody will take me seriously because I’ve always been very in-line with my assigned gender so I feel like people will think I’m faking or looking for attention.. I could go on forever about this bc I’m an anxious mess but I’ll go ahead and end this rant here
I made a meme thing only I understand I guess.
I don’t wanna work tomorrow 😭 I have so much to do I just wanna drink until I black out just for one day.
my brother is such a fucking joke. i have 15 hour days, 7 days a week. i wake up at 5am, am in class 8am-3pm, and work at night. my mom has long days too. my brother??? he works at a smoke shop. he watches movies all day while selling to 10-15 customers a day. he does that 3-5 times a week and that’s fucking it. no rent. no paying for anything at ffucki g all. and this man has the nerve, after i’ve been moving since 5am this fucking morning, to call and ask me to clean up a mess his dog made??? and then he gets mad when i say no ??? sir get off your ass. this is the same brother that i buy food for all of the time but he still has the audacity to ask me to buy a cup-of-noodles off of him instead of just letting me have one i am TIRED
in times like this—when my family is yelling and screaming and placing every ounce of blame on me—i feel so just. angry. because i have the answers. i know what i have to fix and what they have to fix, i undeestand the things they aren’t understanding, but they just talk over me. their voices alone are already enough to speak over me, let alone combined. they simply don’t listen to me. i said something to my mom and she rolled her eyes, i said something to my brother and he told me to shut up. and if i tried explaining to them that the reason i don’t help at all is because i literally gave up, and that living with them and existing in this house is so unrewarding, my brother would say i’m annoying, and my mom would say i’m being selfish. and i know both are pretty much true. i just don’t care anymore. i got tired of feeling guilty about every little thing i did wrong, and getting zero credit for the things i did right, so i just stopped trying altogether. i don’t owe my mom shit. i don’t owe her a clean house or anything. i need to be selfish right now, because if i’m not, i’ll end up as hurt as she is.
Ate too much dinner and I feel so disgusting and full. I hate my body, I hate my brain, I hate my goddamn stomach so much. Can someone just suck all the fat out of my body?
I hate going to the gym after work with a face full of makeup because I feel like people label me as “the type that wears makeup to the gym to impress men”. When in fact it’s because my job is less than ten minutes from my gym and my house is twenty minutes away so I just workout right after work without going home first. I don’t want attention from anyone at the gym including men. In fact when someone tries to talk to me while I’m exercising I become extremely annoyed at them for interrupting me.
i’m so sad and sleepy and hungry but i need to take a shower, get properly ready and be somewhere p far in like 2 hours.
which already looks impossible taking dhaka traffic into consideration.
we’re starting the day off by setting ourselves up for failure! and that’s how we roll 🤪✌🏼
it’s my birthday and i just want to cry and disappear it’s so sad and i can’t say shit to anybody because i’ll spoil the day :( fuck this honestly
Small rant, but getting overstimulated when you have fun plans really sucks because you know you won’t have time during the week to reschedule but you can’t even handle wearing a coat for more than two minutes much less out in a public place.
i was feeling super down today, and last night, but my best friends made me laugh a lot! last time i saw them was in november and i just really needed to let myself go for once.
