im sorry but self doubt has been hitting me really hard lately and i might just be offline for a while.
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(my thoughts)
|spolers!!!!| (TRIGGER WARNING eating disorder)
So I've read this fic a good while ago and i've been putting off writing this for so long now, not because i didn't want to write but because i wanted this to be perfect, to be able to express just how amazingly painful this fic is, but it never felt right, i tried a couple of times and deleted but i feel like i need to write this already. So here we go, bare with me.
So, in this, louis is in college for fashion design and he is the best at it honestly, he has so much talent and creates some incredible pieces of art. But at the end of the semester he needs someone to model some of his clothes for him, but he can't see to find the perfect person who would fit in his designs, not until he sees Harry, the boy seems to be built to fit in the clothing he's just the right person, so louis invites him and with a bit of nerves harry accepts.
There... is where your heart starts breaking... from the pov of louis we can see and know everything he does and thinks, so.. soon enough we find out that louis has anorexia and it has been like that for a while already, with descriptions and moments just raw and painful we see everything he goes through and what he thinks (what broke my whole freaking soul). With the new tasks in hand louis and harry start seen each other more often and becoming friends, harry eventually starts to fall for louis and notices a few things about the boy, but says nothing, until he's met with louis' naked body and has to hold back tears.
I won't write here every part of the story, but after figuring out what's happening, harry decides that he will do whatever is necessary to help the boy he loves, even if the boy can't yet feel the same way for him. With lots of ups and downs they start to figure out each other and harry learns more each day.
From all the stories i've read, not one made a "I love you" mean so much as it did when louis said it and not one said as many "I love you's" as harry did. It was a fight for life and love, a fight for everything they both ever wanted.
I really really really recommend this fan fic, because is amazing and well written and from what i could see, it has accuracy, BUT please don't read it if it could trigger you in any way, just know that it is sweet but vary graphic, check the warnings twice if necessary and stop reading if you feel uncomfortable at any point, cause it could get worse.
(some of the triggers i can think of from the top of my head rn: eating disorder, vomit, homophobia, panic attacks ?? not sure..)
can't remember any quotes rn sorry :)
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you can find the fanfic here
here you can also find all the fics i’ve read so far
thank you so much for reading :)
I know we are all about the italicized 'oh' in fanfic here, but I just read one with a scene that gave off the exact feeling of an italicized 'oh' without actually having it anywhere -it was just normal sentences and yet you practically felt it in your soul, and I really wonder how it feels being this powerful
i just got leaves of grass + a mary oliver anthology from the library and i am Pumped
u ever think abt how if ur trans ur stuffies n just the things in ur room in general probably dont know ur name and pronouns
If you're happy in a dream, does that count?
- Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things
“Oh boy there’s something new in the ship tag!”
*squints at phone*
“Ageplay”
(Edit: wtf I already had this person blocked and tumblr still made me see it)
thinkin abt books and fiction in general and how wild it is that u can spend a comparatively small amount of time and money to experience something and then have it stick with you for the rest of Forever
may 18 2021
it’s been a while! i’m officially done my first year of uni and feeling good. i’m currently finishing up a spring course, which i’ve been mostly enjoying. i also got my first dose of the vaccine and will hopefully be able to see my vaccinated friends socially distanced soon!
in the past few weeks i’ve also been focusing on thinking positively. it’s been so surprising to see how much of a difference it makes to be conscious of your thoughts and reframe them in a positive and gentle light. i feel so much happier now😊i hope everyone’s having a great week!
Look, about 20 times a day I think about how glad I am not to know my brother’s opinion on current events
Last time I checked in on him he was doubling down on transphobia so…. sad face emoji It’s totally heartbreaking. I admit I don’t know him as well as I did when we were kids. And what I do know of him he’s forgotten
His memories of our childhood and thus the context for his life are gone. I know a different person. But the two different people are still the same person and it’s hard to learn this about him.
His illnesses made him vulnerable. He is prone to self destructive spirals. I don’t think anyone just falls into the alt right. And I’m sure he’s still convinced he isn’t racist and that he’s the only true non racist because he’s above critical race theory. I’m sure he’s still telling himself he’s just a moderate. Not left or right. Voting for trump was a gamble to destroy the system and they lost. But maybe the election was rigged??? I’m sure he believes all of that
But I guess it was just my wishful thinking that he’d get the same radicalizing education that I got. This is what academia gets you folx. A Bernie bro turned trump voter. Idk if it was my responsibility. It’s not like we talked a whole lot
But that was one thing I did this last decade. No I couldn’t finish school or keep a job or become a famous poet. But I did read. I learned. I lived in online communities that gave me the education that mattered. It’s a strange blessing of being housebound. And I often forget that this is how it is.
Idk. I am disappointed. But also the ben shapiros know what they are doing. And they know how to make their arguments sound reasonable to a vulnerable white guy and also they’re the same arguments our extended family also think sound reasonable because small town republicans baby
Then there’s the fact that he’s been cruel and gaslighty and just literally feels like an entirely different person than the man he was a year ago. Everyone asks if he is okay because his meltdown is pretty fucking public. His marriage has dissolved. He is apparently high and drunk all the time too.
It’s easier to defend the person he used to be. But this person is drastically different. Could be the brain stuff he’s got going on, could be the YouTube videos are really good at bringing out the asshole. Idk. The change is pretty obvious once he went online with it.
Anyway I’m still in regular contact with his ex wife. We meet up occasionally and text a bit too. She just graduated! I’m proud of her. And I’m glad she’s safe from him. She’s still in love with the man he was. I get it. I feel obligated but I think mom would give me permission to bow out once he started treating me crappy. He’s his own responsibility. I’m sad, I miss my brother. But I don’t know this man
Goodnight to Helmut and to Helmut only 😤 I hope he is having a good day <3
i dont regret anything i make bc it shows my progress as a content creator and etc but i do regret that it’s in association w nets that def dont deserve that promotion
So while waiting for more English translated chapters of After Transmigrating into a Short-lived White Moonlight, had a HE with the Villain (omg what a long name), I started reading Rebirth of a malicious empress of military lineage and wooooow Shen Miao is brutal and I love it. It’s kind of refreshing that there’s no sympathy because all of those people deserve it. Plus, if her family didn’t plot against her/tried to harm her, they would not have fallen into her traps. I’m at chapter 103 and it finally seems like there will be things out of Shen Miao’s control/predictions which is a nice change because it would get boring otherwise.
