Right? Sometimes it feels like it.

I want to recover but im not sure how any tips?

Der neue Weg ist möglich!

I often describe depression as this stranger that keeps entering your life, each time, wearing a new mask. This strange knot in your stomach says you've met them before. Suddenly, you find yourself spending your days and nights convincing them of your right to life, love and all good things. Some days you let them have the last word. Other days your voice is a little louder.

Today is a day my voice was a little louder.

therapywithmaddie ~ Instagram

the toll of trying to be.

You know, there are other feelings besides excitement and joy...

If you’re a schizoid who doesn’t experience strong emotions, like rage, I fucking envy you (no I don’t).

It’s one less thing to bother with, less drama, and your split probably lacks abuse as a cause. Which is nice.

I guess being nullified to the point of embracing nothingness is one way to develop this mf.

There’s also the fact that I never really reacted to anything going on around me.

I was the kind of child who wouldn’t get out of harm’s way.

I’m still like that.

People cracking up around me and I’d be 😒

Or people crying and I wouldn’t even feel discomfort... just nothing.

I wish I could say “There’s nothing I can point at that might’ve made me like this.” Or: “Nothing happened to me to make me become this person.”

How nice. But no. There are many reasons: “early adversity” they call it.

I wish I could grab that whole period of my life and crumple it and toss it into the fucking black hole you got for a soul. Nothing stays.

It doesn’t matter.

Why keep going on like this?

Every time I start over from scratch I’m more and more tired.

The older I get the more I feel it, physically, the toll of trying to be.

I got to see my insides on that ultrasound and CT scan. They’re quite healthy for the kind of life I live. Still, there are little warning signs here and there.

It takes me longer to heal when I’m relapsed.

Inflamed organs, inflamed tissue, busted bones. Infections that hang on for dear life with a passion I can only dream of... a fucking month and every time I cough it still fucking hurts the rib I fucked up from coughing too much.

And I’m tired. And I’m starting to look tired.

I saw her. We were sprawled out on a bed and I had my head next to her waist. She ran her fingers through my hair and suddenly stopped, and I could only feel her thumb rubbing my forehead.

Why’d you stop?

“You have a scar here.”

Huh?

“An old scar. You can hardly see it.”

Hm...

I checked. It’s there. Right at the hairline, across the middle to the right side of my forehead. It’s so old it’s the same color as my scalp. I can see it under some lighting: there’s a small dent.

Could be anything. So many times I ended up getting stitches.

I looked some more: there’s that one I do remember, from falling on those rocks that day at the beach. I was wearing a white t shirt and by the time we got to the hospital it was all red at the collar.

Head injuries don’t hurt tho. Not after impact.

Sometimes I get lightheaded. But my pressure’s fine. It’s in my head. Then it stops and I’m no longer blank.

I’m getting my results in a few days. We’ll see what this is about.

I’m down to 1 drink a day. It sucks. I cannot eat. I get so angry all the time. At least it’s not the DTs. No shakes. Nothing too bad.

I just feel sick all the time.

DAY #8

For anyone that is trying to improve their lives but you don’t see any progress right now...

KEEP GOING!

Don’t give up!!! It’ll come. I PROMISE YOU!

You only have one life so try to become the best version of yourself and be patient!

YOU’LL SOON SEE THE BENEFITS!

This is a sign for you not to give up and keep going!

Some affirmations for today:

The right ones will come my way.

The right things will come my way.

What I need will come to me and I will be happy.

good friends, good partners and good family exist. toxic and one-sided relationships are not the norm in life and you’ll find someday that healthy love is real. healthy relationships are real. healthy friendships exist and they’re not limited to your twenties, thirties or forties. you’ll find the right people for you.

the all or nothing mindset

Recovering from my unhealthy habits and altering my relationship with food also means targeting a toxic mindset, my all or nothing mentality. Generally, I think that the all or nothing mindset stems from a desire to be perfect, for my diet to be perfect and a day of eating to be ‘perfect’. But I need to realize that a perfect day of eating doesn’t exist. One’s diet is never perfect in the sense that you can’t always be ‘on track’. 

I sometimes think that I am not a perfectionist because I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no foods are off limits. But the truth is I often dissimulate my perfectionism under the illusion of what I call ‘a healthy lifestyle’. This might all sound confusing and vague, but finding out how my own mind lies to me and how I subconsciously convince myself of things is very hard to understand and to call out. 

For me, I think that there are two things that are helpful when it comes to the all or nothing mindset. 

1. Realize that every bit counts and that moderation is the key. When that voice tells me to just eat everything so I don’t have to deal with it later, that’s not kindness, it’s not supposed to be a relief to hear those words. Dissociate those toxic thoughts from the one that is the voice of reason and moderation. 

2. Realize that my binge-eating habits aren’t normal, shouldn’t be normalized and aren’t bringing me happiness. When that voice tells me to eat all the cookies or all the ice cream, I need to call myself out on it and say ‘that’s not a normal thing to do’. If I realize that it’s not a normal thing to eat yourself till nausea, then I can’t make excuses for my binging, and I can’t justify it with ‘having a bad day’. (Would my ideal self do this?) 

You Can't See the silver lining through victim goggles.

London Letters

From 2004 I’ve had many intuitive experiences in my life but the one that I’m going through now tops any experience I’ve ever had. I’ve had many challenges for about a year and a half. I used to be in a better place. When I was 39, everything shifted. I was disrupted on every level: health, relationship, money, job, and home. What preceded this was interesting. I had stopped writing a word.…

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If you're feeling bad about a boundary you recently set in your relationships, then you're thinking about boundaries the wrong way.

I am, I promise.

The Vibe here is intense I am telling you, I feel a bit confused but, that is what a spiritual journey is.

I showed my mom my self harm scars yesterday for the first time and she said she supported me and was proud, I feel so free but also nervous🍀🍀🪵🪵🌿

I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to worry about a lot of things rn. I texted my manager an hour ago when I woke up to explain what we got done last night in case no one had said, because I thought that he was at work today and I didn't want him to be sitting wondering what did and didn't get done. I thought I was being helpful but he's just fucking left me on read after we worked our asses off all night??? Like okay he might not be at work today but would it kill him to just say that? I'm having a bit of a battle with myself in my head bc on one hand my anxious brain is freaking out like omg he probably hates me after this weekend bc Friday I was just mega anxious and feeling really down and I just kept apologising and I was working really slowly bc I felt so shit and that was the best I could do, Saturday I went in specifically to apologise for being so annoying and awful to be around and we all laughed about it bc he had told everyone I would probably do exactly that but he seemed.. not very willing to actually say everything was okay no matter how many times I asked (which I know is my problem and not his but he knows me and knows I just need explicit reassurance that he does not hate me and is not pissed at me and idk he didn't seem sincere but that's more than likely just my anxiety talking. And then I just texted him today and maybe I was overstepping bc it's not really my responsibility to tell him what got done, I was just there to work the shift and maybe he thinks I'm trying to be a kiss-ass bc he mentioned the promotion which I'm not, I just thought it might be helpful to update him. But then the other half of my brain is like wtf why is he being such a dick, why am I busting my ass for this man like yeah he's really really lovely most of the time and this changeover has been so stressful and I get that but he's kind of taking it out on his staff which isn't like him so then I worry like is he okay is he more stressed than he lets on and then I get back to my anxious brain of 'oh no I'm adding more unnecessary stress by being anxious myself and annoying him with my need for reaasurance which he does not owe me'. BUT then like. He's at work with me in the morning so I can literally say to him tomorrow 'sorry if you weren't at work yesterday and I hope I didn't overstep, I just didn't know if it might be helpful for me to let you know what we got done. Are you alright and what can I do today that would be helpful' and everything will be okay and I do know that, so I just need to relax and enjoy my day off today, but damn I'm finding it difficult lmao.

apologies for the long rant, I'm mostly posting this bc I ran out of space in my written journal but I want to document my thought process and that i am actually considering the more logical side of the situation that he's probably just not at work and also trying to enjoy a day off, hence not replying to texts about work. Go me for acknowledging that 👍🏻

The IMF raises the Middle East growth forecast, saying the recovery will be "uneven".

The IMF raises the Middle East growth forecast, saying the recovery will be “uneven”.

The International Monetary Fund has revised its growth forecast for the Middle East and North Africa upwards as countries rebound from the region Coronavirus Crisis that began in 2020. Real GDP in the MENA region is expected to grow 4% versus the fund in 2021 October forecast of 3.2%. However, the outlook will vary significantly from country to country depending on factors such as vaccine…

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