TW: ED Talk
I just weighed myself for the first time in 3 years. 230 lbs. I gained 40 lbs in three years, it really broke my heart. How could I let myself get so disgusting? ((if you weigh this amount please take no offense, this is a personal issue with ME, not what I think of others))
I try to go to the gym but I have crippling anxiety and can’t go unless there’s no one there, but I work every day at 7 am for just 10 dollars an hour and none of it feels worth it. I want to be at the gym 24/7 around no people just working my ass off.
I dont know how to stop eating. I feel sick at the thought of food but its like something takes over me and I eat and eat and eat.
Why did my mother let me end up like this? She gained baby weight and got herself a personal trainer, only fed herself salads, talked about how gross she looked (she was a size 8, now a 4) and doesn’t realize how badly that affected my health. I want to be pretty and small more than anything in the world, I’m so fed up with being ugly.
The only person who makes me second guess myself is my best friend, he tells me I’m pretty unprovoked and doesn’t give me work out advice, he makes me believe momentarily that I might not be some hideous monster. I appreciate him so so so much. I just hope maybe one day I can truly see myself that way. My other friends also have disorders and they fully support me going through this, which is nice.
Its just not a fun time.