Le Randouillet, Briancon, mai 2020.

Today was emotionaly tough but it the middle of my internal mess i found joy on this last route - perfect technical rock with a view.

And then i drove a few miles to stop at a viewpoint and cry.

Food I can store in my cupboard?

Hi guys, like most of us, lockdown is really difficult and can pull us back into old habits.

Coming back from university and living with my parents means I’m back with my mum who likes to make a comment about everything I eat, making it really difficult for me.

She works in the kitchen so I find it difficult to avoid eating a meal in front of her and she also has insomnia so I can’t even eat without fear after she’s gone to bed.

I have money to buy my own food - can anyone recommend good things to buy that I can store in my cupboard to eat in my room?

Any suggestions or shares are really really appreciated ❤️

expressing my joy is crossing boundaries in this house…

Giorni fa, nel cloud di Gmail, mi sono imbattuta in vecchie foto salvate da tumblr o mie di tagli enormi, ma davvero enormi

E certo… ho sentito una strana sensazione addosso, e le ho guardate… ma di sicuro non mi hanno triggerato e non ho avuto nessuna voglia di fare nulla subito dopo

Sono fiera di me, era ora!

___

Days ago in the Gmail cloud I found some old photos of big cuts, mine and saved on tumblr

They caused me a strange feeling, I started to stare at them… but they certainly didn’t trigger me like in the past and I didn’t want to do anything afterwards

I’m proud of myself, finally!

getting over a pretty bad phobia i have of dead spiders bc there were a few skeletons on my time capsule and i had to take them off b4 i could open it. they’re actually really cool when u look at em i just havent uhhh looked at em proprly since i was small. anyway yeah they r. pretty i think

you’ll heal from this. maybe not today or tomorrow. but you’ll heal just as all wounds do in time with patience and care.

Psychology Daily - Quotes

31-5-2020

Never mind the slightly better feeling…

My parents gave me the thread of the therapist again… I just have to “act normal, don’t exaggerate and don’t dramatize”. It’s just like I want to act like this? It’s like I choose to be easily agitated? I know I’m more irritable lately, but JUST LEAVE ME THEN?! No, talking with someone (extra, since they don’t know about my online therapy) isn’t gonna help me. I guess I just have to put my mask up again and keep everything inside. Let’s see how long it takes this time before things explode again…

I’m just gonna try to talk it out of their head again and act like how they want, like how society wants… I’m so scared and sad at the same time.. This will go wrong again.

They also said to call some general number (like some hotline). So from talking about that they went to the subject of the suic*de hotline. They quickly came to the conclusion it wasn’t this bad tho (little do they know…). My dad said they couldn’t know tho: “people who say they’re gonna do it usually don’t. It’s the people who don’t say it that are more at risk of actually doing it”. I just sat there during the entire conversation, didn’t really said anything. I still don’t know if they were joking around or not… They don’t believe in mental health and therapy and stuff… But I guess they don’t know how to deal with my mood anymore..

god i can NOT fucking deal with eating disorders

like ‘hmm u feel sad? lets make u sadder by not eating for 73839 days!! but its ok bc u’ll be ~ s k i n n y ~’

like what the fuck is this mental illness

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“Doing your best today” - werde es versuchen.

I just don’t understand what you’re doing

“The common thread in recovery stories is that people never thought in a million years that things could get so much better, but they did. It’s difficult to imagine yourself at the top of that mountain when you’re lying at the shadows at the bottom of it. But it’s possible. People do it all the time, and you can too.”

31•5•20

really struggle with the process of cooking myself a ‘real dinner’, oh the irony since i’m a qualified chef lol 😅 but dinner tonight was crumbed fish, garlic & caramelised onion potatoes & salad with homemade croutons, french dressing and some homemade aioli 😋

these last two days have been so hard and my thoughts have been torturous and i haven’t been hitting anywhere near my meal plan/calorie goal and i feel like i’m loosing hope 😓 going to call up the specialist unit tomorrow and hopefully find out when they’ll have a bed for me. hopefully soon because i can feel myself sliding backwards. it doesn’t help that i got an fb memory this morning of me getting discharged from one of the most traumatic and dark admissions a year ago today. so many awful memories of that dark time just came flooding back

took myself on a lil self care date and got coffee from the best shop in the city and read my book overlooking the river which made me feel so much better, i need to make an effort to do more things good for the soul when i’m feeling lost like this

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MAKE SURE YOU EAT #JennieKim #BlackPink

‘welcome home’

what i ate today. gluten free, vegan

it was all really good! the dinner looks strange; it was vegetable soup my mom made and then i poured in brown rice noodles. for the ice cream, i melted chocolate chips and almond milk to made the chocolate sauce :)! gluten free is tiring but I’m glad my food has been yummy. I hope I’m not actually gluten intolerant, but i might be.