#rehab Tumblr posts

  • every single day you get up and face the world, every time you’re close to quitting but don’t, I’m proud of you. Im proud of every single one of you who keeps on fighting even when you think the battle is lost. 

    I love you and I belive in you <33

    View Full
  • Now after the grand prix final it’s time for me to go to rehab. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is Kevin. I don’t know when I’ll be back.

    #grand prix final turin #grand prix final 2019 #grand prix of figure skating #nathan chen#yuzuru hanyu#kevin aymoz#rehab#dead#goodbye #men's figure skating #men of figure skating #figure skating
    View Full
  • Dengeni bulduğun bir hafta sonu olsun🙏🏻
    #wellness #fitness #yoga #yogi #yogini #asana #balance #stretching #flexible #upsidedown #pose #rehab #relax #weekend #mood #yogapractice #yogaeveryday (Base Life Club)

    View Full
  • Okay so like… hear me out. I need a cute little list of things to do when you are craving or having urges. Or what to say to those who are.

    Because I. And a few others would appreciate it right now.

    And I wanna help the people I love so :’)

    Pls give ideas.

    View Full
  • I need to take a break from social media . I made a bet with myself how long I could be without checking Tumblr,Instagram od Twitter.I need a break from fandom.I don’t wanna but I know I have to. So, tomorow is day one.Wish me luck.

    View Full
  • Okayokay back again. Finally gonna be beginning my suboxone treatment this tuesday!!!! Heck yes it feels Good. Moving to next town this spring as well. Gonna start over. Finding inspiration for my home and life.

    View Full
  • When he hears Princesss Carolyn’s baby crying in the background?

    Don’t know who David O. Russell is anyone know this reference?

    View Full
  • Rehab is so fucking tough. It’s funny that people think it’s like some kind of holiday camp. Maybe some of the well expensive ones, but this one’s like fucking military training. They break you down in order to build you up as a different person. I’m exhausted, and my room mate snores louder than a bulldozer and it’s triggering af. 

    View Full
  • Gooby has been enjoying some warm soaks to help his stuck shed and ease the swelling around his cloaca to help give him some relief until he goes to the vet next week. The swelling has went down and a lot of his stuck shed is off, and he’s been seeming a lot more alert. He’s such a sweet, goofy little thing. My resilient little prince. ❤

    View Full
  • 12/6/19

    Starting on my 32nd day clean. It’s only 9 minutes after midnight but hey it’s a new day. I’m really trying this time again.

    The month of October I was using opiates heavily daily and into the first few days of November. I ended up going to rehab for 3 days and I was so sick and they didn’t do detox there so they sent me to a hospital for 3 days where they gave me subutex. Only those 3 days that gave that to me though and after detox I didn’t go back to rehab I went back to the duplex where I lived with my husband until august when we seperated. He’s been trying to work things out with me but honestly I’m still heartbroken and not able to forgive. He put me through hell getting with that girl I befriended from Narcotics Anonymous. An 18 year old. She acted like she was my best friend. We stopped being friends in September.. Then they started sleeping together or they were already. Anyway when I was using heavily. He had her in my bed. Moved in. Watching my kids and lying to my face. I used to “china white” 2 nights before rehab hoping it was fentayl cause there is only tar really here and hoping it would just kill me. It was some bullshit not strong enough to be fentayl and I didn’t fucking die. I’d already done several pills and tar that day. I spent like 1500 on opiates in like 4 weeks which is crazy when I went so long and even since I used opiates again after 2 years in may it never got that constant. That expensive until that month. I was taking care of bryans mom staying with her and she dropped her roxys all over the floor. Me and bryan were fighting I knew she had several so I kept some I found and then began searching it out everyday or it found me. People asking for help getting and would throw me some. It became too easy some days. A few times I was so sick I thought I was gonna die and was in shock because I forgot how bad that sickness was. Or that it could happen that fast. Anyway I don’t want some other bitch that I hate to be in this fucking house or watching my kids. I also don’t want to be sick or get arrested ever again. The truth is I do way better when I’m clean so I should stay that way. I just don’t give a fuck about myself most of the time though. I still want out of here but I’m scared to stay and scared to go. Also I was offered some roxys today and turned it down. Since I left detox I can’t tell you how many times people message or call offering free drugs. How fucked right.. But I’m not gonna give up like everyone fucking expects. Thanks for letting me share.

    View Full
  • this post is more for my own benefit bc my memory sucks so you can stop reading now if ya want.

    so a while back when i watched parks and recreation all the way through for the first time, i got very intrigued by the conversation that donna and april had about the concept of saturn’s return. which if you don’t know, saturn will return to the exact spot it was when you were born around 27-29 years later. apparently this is a time for rebirth and renewal as well as a shedding of your child self so you can begin the process of growing up and becoming an adult.

    not too long after that, i happened to be really paying attention to the lyrics of “the grudge” by tool in which maynard talks about saturn ascending and forcing you to make a choice in your life. didn’t really do much research on it at the time because i was actually in the bath tub while listening to it and like i said, my memory is terrible so by the time i got out and got dressed, it slipped my mind.

    last night, my best friend came over to my fiance & i’s house and somehow this concept of saturn’s return came up in conversation which sparked the tool song in my head again. i began to look into it and apparently this theory is extremely prevalent in the land o’ tool. i’m just gonna list the things that may be all in my head but considering maynard and the insanity of all that tool is, i highly doubt it:

    1. at least 2 songs have this concept as a theme: the grudge and jambi

    2. 10,000 days is the title of an album as well as a song. saturn’s return takes roughly 10,000 days.

    3. opiate came out in 1992, 10,000 days came out in 2006, and fear inoculum came out this year, 2019. so in my opinion, opiate is like the birth of tool, 10,000 days come out 14 years later which suggests they are midway through their journey as a band, then in 2019 which is 27 years later, saturn returns and tool as we know them have reached their peak. so i believe that if tool does in fact make another album after this, they may not be the tool we are all used to. 

    4. lateralus is 78 minutes and 51 seconds long. 78 minus 51 is 27.

    5. the grudge is 8 minutes and 36 seconds long, 36-8 is 28.

    please note that i do realize that lateralus came out before 10,000 days but i am just pointing out the constant use of these numbers throughout the band’s history. if i didn’t know maynard the way that i do, i would think these were all just coincidences but i have learned so many times throughout the last 9 years that there literally are NO coincidences in this band. everything has meaning. LITERALLY everything.

    as far as my personal experiences with saturn’s return, i truly believe this is a real thing. my fiance was 28 years old when we met in 2010 and he turned 29 3 months later. this was a time of internal struggle, self discovery, and straight up insanity for him. he had been using crack for about 4 years at this point and was at this precipice with it where he literally hated how the drug made him feel but his addiction would get the best of him every time and he would end up using. however, something came over him one day and he decided that he wasn’t going to let this happen anymore so he voluntarily went to rehab and he came home a new man. sure, there have been a couple of slip ups here and there, but no binges and definitely a different type of regret afterwards. literally from that moment that he made his mind up to better himself, he has been a completely different person. he is the most incredible human being i know and i am so grateful for whatever clicked in his brain to make him change.

    flash forward to now and i am currently 29 years old and the last 4 months have been the most life shaping ones of my life. on august 13th of this year i got fired from my job. 2 weeks later, the cops showed up at our house looking for me. luckily, i had literally just left 5 minutes before this so i didn’t end up in jail. turns out there was a warrant out for my arrest due to a driving under suspension charge i had gotten in may when i got pulled over for speeding. i had absolutely no idea my license was suspended by the way. but anyway, i completely forgot to go to my court date and for some reason, they never sent me anything about the rescheduled one so hence the warrant. due to the fact that not only was i unemployed, but also the cops showed up twice in one day, my fiance’s grandparents told him i could no longer live in our house which we rent from them and is behind theirs. they are super old school so the minute anything like this happens, they think the worst. i had nowhere else to go, so i in the blink of an eye was homeless. prior to losing my job, i had been going to the methadone clinic for over a year in order to get off heroin. because i could no longer afford my methadone, i immediately fell back in with my heroin dealer who was like my big brother, so instead of giving me dope for money, he gave me dope for rides to work. so here i was, homeless, back on heroin, and completely uncaring and oblivious to the shit hole i had dug for myself. all of this led to me driving 2.5 hours to my father’s house on october 11th. i came completely clean with my dad, told him about all the horrible things i had been doing over the last few years, and begged him to let me stay with him for a while in order to get my shit together which i thought was very doable since i was no longer in my city around drugs and enablers. instead though, my dad’s solution was to ship me off to a 12 MONTH LONG FAITH BASED “recovery program.” i should add that i do not believe in the christian god at all and think that organized religion is a joke and he knows this about me. to make matters worse, they also did not allow me to have ANY correspondence with my fiance who i have been with for 9 years and has been my ONLY support system during this time. i am talking no phone calls, no visits, and not even letters back and forth. as if all that wasn’t enough to make me want to kill myself, they also didn’t offer any type of medically assisted detox. i was told all that would be available to me was ibuprofen, rest, and water. if you’ve never gone through opiate withdrawal, then you have no freaking clue about the hell that i was about to be in for. i can’t even put what dope sickness feels like into words. it is literally the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. there’s a lyric from the highly suspect song “bath salts” that kind of describes it perfectly….”6 AM, there goes the moon, i feel like death is coming soon & oh, all i wanna do is fucking sleep.” which is about damn right because you feel like you are dying and no matter what you do, you can’t sleep. no amount of downers or sleeping pills can calm those restless legs bruh. but anyway…i am getting off track. i knew going into this bullshit that i wasn’t going to make it. not because of me wanting to use again, but because i was going to have jesus literally crammed down my throat and the absence of matthew from my life for a year was just NOT going to happen. adding insult to injury, the day i went into this god forsaken place was october 14th, ONE FUCKING DAY before our 9 year anniversary. the only thing i even wanna say about my time at this place right now was that they are satists because they would only give me ibuprofen, etc. once a day, i was only allowed to “rest” the first 3 days i was there and this rest was either laying across the world’s most uncomfortable chairs or on the freezing ass cold floor of a fucking church sanctuary. anyways, on the weekends we were FORCED to go all over the east coast in small groups to fundraise in order to “earn our keep”…we had to do this for 13 hours a day every friday and saturday. fast forward to my 2nd weekend there and my 2nd day of my 2nd fundraiser. i’m not sure what came over me, but something inside me snapped. i reached my “i cannot take this shit anymore” point. we went inside the walmart we were fundraising at and i stole one of those small personal boxes of wine, went into the bathroom, and shotgunned the fuck out of this thing. once we were back outside at our table, i waited until it was my turn to “man” the table and my leader’s turn to “work the door” and i went into her bookbag & stole the $550 we had raised the day before. i then asked her if i could go get my tennis shoes out of the van and when i did that, i also grabbed my id and social security card out of my wallet. a couple of minutes later, i asked for a bathroom break which we were not allowed to take alone, so as soon as she went inside a stall, i turned around and ran like a crazy person out of that store & across the street to metro pcs to get a cell phone. after that, i went to walgreens where i got a prepaid debit card and ordered a lyft to a hotel where i got a room for the night. once i got settled, i first made plans with my dealer to come home and get up with him. we looked into me taking a lyft home but that would have cost $200 so we decided i would wait til the morning and take a bus. not sure what it was but something kept telling me that it was a horrible idea to do all of that. it kept getting stronger and when my gut talks to me like that, i listen, so i knew i needed a plan b. i don’t know what put this thought in my head, but i decided to call this guy i had worked with a few years ago. i worked at a pest control company as a schedule coordinator and he was one of the technicians i scheduled for. we lived in different states, about 4 hours away from one another, but we talked on the phone constantly obviously. during the time i worked there, we grew incredibly close and even after i stopped working there, we maintained a relationship and anytime he had to come to my city, which is where the corporate office is located, we would get together. in 2016, i even cheated on my fiance with him. this kid was head over heels in love with me, but i never felt the same way, but me being my typical bitchy self, i preyed on that to my advantage. he and i hadn’t spoken since shortly after we hooked up in 2016, but he literally jumped in his car the moment i asked and was on the way to come get me. unfortunately, his car broke down on the interstate like 45 minutes after he left, so i ended up getting a bus ticket to where he lives the next morning. he came and got me at the bus station and all of a sudden, i was in a different state, 4 hours from home, and living with a man who was not my fiance whom at this point i hadn’t even called yet. i was terrified to tell him about what i had done because i was so ashamed. i didn’t want to disappoint him yet again because at this point, that’s all i was doing. fast forward to 2 weeks later and my fiance found out that i had decided i was going to stay where i was and be with this other dude because i had convinced myself i didn’t need him and that i was living my best life, so of course, he stopped talking to me and said he was done. for 5 days, i didn’t try to contact him or even look at my phone, but one night while the new guy was at work, i was laying in bed watching how i met your mother and seeing marshall and lily made me miss my fiance on a physically painful level. so, i finally caved and turned my phone on even though i knew that any communication from him was going to be negative and horribly mean. instead though, i only had one message from him and it was the sweetest msg ever saying he was going to always love me and be waiting for me if i wanted him, but he wasn’t going to interfere with my happiness if this new dude made me happy. i immediately called him and we stayed on the phone for 2 hours during which we made the plan for him to come rescue me. that was on a tuesday and we planned for him to come pick me up the following monday. those were the longest 5 days of my life. when we finally were together again, he picked me up, i wrapped my legs around him, and we kissed. it was at that moment i knew that he is my fucking home. there will never be anyone for me but him. those 37 days without him were the most agonizing days of my life and i swear i will never be away from him again. 

    so to bring this to a close, my saturn’s return literally returned me to my home in the literal and figurative sense. i have learned more about myself and about what life is about in the last 4 months than i ever have in my 29 years of life. things are far from perfect right now, but i am somehow at peace because for once, i listened to my heart instead of trying to please everyone else. i can’t explain to you the realizations i have come to in these last few weeks, but i am beyond clear headed and i know without a doubt i did the right thing for my sanity. this saturn’s return shit is real and is no fucking joke.


    View Full
  • My primary care confirmed I have a neurological issue. One that so far has impacted coordination and speech as well as causing random muscle movements and spasms. I need to see a neurologist (obviously). So far that’s easier said than done. The one he referred me to only does inpatient neurological patients. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon trying to get connected to the outpatient office of the same hospital.

    And one major concern is how much drug court is going to insert itself into an already rather traumatic reality. Or if, despite this, they decide to sanction, remand or discharge me - aka send me to jail - because of an argument that me and my now-ex-roommate. They threatened to do so when I’ve had arguments (not physical altercations) in the past over the the course of this year. This is not what I should be spending mental energy on.

    The most significant recovery point is that I don’t have to drink or use over this. It largely hasn’t even entered my mind - in part because it’s not going to help anything and may be harmful and the fact that if this ends up being serious or life threatening, I don’t want to be fighting cravings and hangovers and anything else from active addiction. That’s the last thing I want if this is terminal or some sort of progressive thing.

    View Full
  • image

    Felt my ass get kicked from Ring Fit Adventure, might delete later 😜

    View Full
  • Airports are an Alcoholic’s Heaven

    Currently I’m sitting in the Nashville airport on my way home from Florida. Currently, there are three men behind me talking about the beers they’ve had on Germany, what wines they find too sweet, and every alcohol related topic in between.

    Now I’m not saying they’re alcoholics in any way, but I sure am one, and considering I’ve heard 5 other conversations like this today in different airports I’m beginning to notice a pattern.

    Alcohol, for some reason, is EVERYWHERE in airports. I’ve been on 8 different flights in the past 3 months, with connections in between, and it’s the same everywhere. Bars with travelers downing drinks at 9am. Wine being sold in little bottles at sushi restaurants. Expensive cocktails served on the plane with those little red plastic toothpicks with the hearts at the end.

    You can drink whenever, wherever, and everyone else is too. It’s acceptable to get drunk morning, noon and night. No one is going to give you “the look” or say anything. It’s an alcoholic’s dream.

    If I wasn’t spiritually fit and well adjusted in my sobriety this place would be a huge trigger. I mean, I’m flying alone, how hard would it be to tell the stewardess “yes I’d like a Jack and coke” when she takes my drink order? Who would know? I would, and I’m very thankful I’m strong enough in my recovery to simply get on my plane and listen to a podcast or two. God is watching over me, and I’ll be landing in Baltimore still sober in 2 and a half hours. What more can I ask for? This is my heaven.

    View Full
  • If you build it..it will come….

    #Strength #Balance #PostACL #ACL #ACLWarrior #physiotherapy #rehab #journey #ACLCadaverGraft #Cadaver #ACLReconstruction #ACLRecovery #InstaDaily
    (at Planet Fitness)

    View Full