nothing i do feels satisfying anymore. i try doing things i used to be skilled at and they don’t feel good anymore. each result is more underwhelming than the last. regardless of what i do, it feels like my best isn’t good enough.
I feel in love with you during my addiction
You would throw cocaine on my glass table then fuck me senseless
We would call it “making love”
I’ve been changed,
By my addiciton to cocaine, and by my addiciton to you.
I wrote you poems, and sang you songs
I held you close in my arms when you would sleep
And caressed every scar and hair
You had this way of making me love hate. I’ve never experienced that before.
I supposed that’s what you call unconditional love.
By showing me how to unconditionally love you, you showed me how to unconditionally love myself.
It always ends the same with us, you’ll get out of my car, kiss me goodbye, we’ll say “I love you” and then not see or talk to one another for days, sometimes weeks.
When you’re around, I give all my love to you. But when you’re not around, I only have myself to give this love too.
Its been so nice the last 24 hrs not having you here, and realizing it’s okay to love you from a far and it’s okay to realize our time is over.
I told you last time I saw you, “people like you don’t change, there’s no sense in trying”
I will always have a place for you in my heart Dylan. Always.
But if I’m going to recover, and get off cocaine, I can’t have you in my life anymore.
I’ve changed my number and blocked you on Facebook.
I’ve blocked people I’ve called “family” and I plan on only seeing my friends once or twice a week, instead of everyday so I can focus on myself.
My energy doesn’t feel humble around anyone anymore and I think that’s a huge sign I can’t ignore. I need to focus my energy solely where it’s bringing me.
And right now it’s telling me to go within.
That’s where the best energy lies.
Does anyone else have “friends” on Tumblr that you consider cooler than you so much so that, when waiting for a reply, and you see them pop up in your dash, you schedule their posts for later instead of reblogging them because you just feel shy about reblogging everything even though you’re just reblogging it cuz you agree with the content you still feel like you’re not cool enough and that if you just reblog like a normal person you feel like you’re being annoying or you’ll seem like a stalker that’s nagging them for an answer or…
…or just me?
me: manages to perfectly plan out how i spend the next 10 minutes and follows said plan to the letter, without feeling stressed or pressured
also me: *SCREECH* I HAVE AN ESSAY DUE IN TWO MONTHS WHAT DO I DO
i need new friends that just understand when and when not to respond quickly..
UGH THE STRUGGLE
I was talking with my nutritionist earlier and she said i can have a cheat day, like a day where i can eat all i want,go wild. I was a bit surprised because I DON’T WANT TO BINGE ANYMORE.
I don’t know exactly why but now that I’m allowed to have that day I’m like easily avoiding all temptations. I was staring at the chocolate bar like a freak earlier but when she said that i felt like i don’t want it anymore(note still didn’t cheat though).
I know about the “i can’t” vs “i don’t want to” mindset and all but I’ve noticed that once you give yourself permission to eat you stop feeling too urged.
Like when you just finished your fast and are allowed to eat now but you feel like meh i can put that off for another hour…
I already believe that it’s all in the head but i still can’t grasp it enough to use it, I’m always stuck in the “ I’m not allowed ” mindset and that’s why i feel deprived and urged to ruin a fast/a diet —
Come on i can’t be the only one….
I love putting earbuds in and blasting music to block out everything, but at the same time it’s slightly terrifying to have that lack of hearing.
