Even though 2020 has been a mess all round for me, in this post-breakdown world things are looking... more like me?
I have good people around me and people who seem to love me no matter how low I feel I've sunk. It's comforting, even though I can't seem to shake the feeling of being a failure as a partner. That's my secret cap: I'm always blaming myself.
TL;DR: I've found out that I'm not that compatible as a person to share a living space with someone else for long periods of time due to my mental condition. I live on my own now, and we de-escalated our primary-type relationship with Kitty. We call each other anchor partners now, and I really like the sound of it. Like before, the love is there, we just suit each other better this way.
We had a short chat with Rai and things are still up in the air a bit, but it doesn't bother us. Time and space for both of us, there are more important things to focus on right now.
And finally, after pondering on it for quite some time, I think I'm not that suited for tightly structured, hierarchy-style polyamory. I find relationship anarchy much more fitting as a descriptor.
''I could have told you that long ago'' Lil Sunshine joked last time we called. There is a clear feeling of caring after one another, and we did talk about that too. I too think it's best we get to know each other better as friends first, once the pandemic calms down. We keep getting excited and losing ourselves to planning all kinds of adventures once the pandemic eases up. I love our talks together.
Oh, and, well... there's a new person of interest in the horizon. I think we'll call her Max for reasons. Max & I reconnected a while back over Animal Crossing stuff and started chatting more and more and now there's flirting and hearts and the likes involved. It's nice and lovely and relaxed, and I love not having a need to put a descriptor or name on what we are right now. I hope I get to meet her again soon.
so yeah... things aren't that bad, even though there's a lot of rising from the ashes to be done and getting used to a lot of new things. But I'm in a better place, I feel. I sit better in my own skin and my love feels more free than ever before.